A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for 9 months now and have a great relationship, a month or two into our relationship, we were walking down the street and this guy grabbed her from behind in a friendly sort of way. When he left, she casually told me, "Oh we fooled around in the summer a month or two before you and I met, but there's nothing between us." I later learned that this 'fooling around' meant going all the way. I was really upset for the next couple of hours, and even months later I can't shake the negative feeling. I know that this was 'before my time', but somehow I can't get over this incident. The whole 'casual' way it was discussed left me with an uncomfortable feeling. I know my girlfriend is very committed to me, but I just can't help thinking, "...jeez, if things can just happen like that, what makes me so special?" I know it might be a silly, insecure thought, but what can I do to clear this up?
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female
reader, purplecloud03  +, writes (27 April 2009):
 i was in the same boat, i was out with my bf and he introduced me to a girl he knows n i was chatting away. when we got home he later told me that she was sumone he used to sleep with casually. i was at first a bit disgusted and took a bit to get my mind around it n it still does kind of annoy me but really its nothing to worry about. the difference between you and this other guy is she wasnt in a relationship with him it was casual, ur in a relationship. just think about who u slept with before her. did u have any casual sex out of a relationship? its the exact same thing. and im sure u wouldnt expect her to get upset if she met sum1 you slept with before her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): Retroactive Jealousy.
There is no solution and it does not go away. Either you live with it or you don't.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (27 April 2009):
 Two things. First, she's very likely to downplay it to you, thinking that's what you'd want to hear (so you're not threatened by him). Strangely that can make it worse, as you've experienced, despite her attempts to explain it away and make it better. So you can assume it probably did mean something to her, just not as much as you do.
The other thing you can do is distract yourself when you start thinking about it. You can't change the past, and she can't do anything to make it better. Rather you have to. Every time you find yourself thinking about it, change the subject in your head to something else. Anything really, just something that you find engaging that can distract you. The less you think about it, the less you will care and after a while it will hardly bother you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 April 2009):
 There is nothing you can do to change the past. She can't, either. All you can do is keep going. If this thing she did is something you can't get over, you will have to leave her. It will be best for her and you.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (27 April 2009):
 This is normal thinking.
Talk to her about this, ask her what makes you so special.
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