A
male
age
36-40,
*newingedAngel
writes:Well Cupidians,I am 2 months out of a 3 year relationship. I encountered forms of infidelity throughout it from her, 5 guys entered the relationship through her. The last was a full fledged infidelity after 2 weeks of being broken up yet she was spending time with him during the end getting to know him.Thats the short story of her wrongs.My wrongs. After the first guy, I lost my mind. I had never experienced such pain. Anytime there was a white lie or inconsistency I'd get very mad. It lead to physical abuse. I have pushed her, thrown her on a couch, accidentally dropped her carrying her out of my house, screamed in her face, held her down yelling at her asking why she did this to me, slapped her thigh and in general scared her into panic attacks. In general, We were both hurt and scared for a long time. We invested so much, and expected too much. We loved harder than we thought possible. There's MANY other factors. When explained in depth, most call it a wash. Some wish we could still work it out. She hasn't talked to me in 3 weeks. I heard that she had a panic attack recently and it was from a memory of me. I've apologized a million times. I'm in counseling. I'm taking steps to get myself right. She is very angry even though she left me in a very painful way yet again. Its clear she's not completely over it. I'm not either. At this point, I've begun my own research regarding overcoming infidelity and physical abuse. There's plenty to say on that. I believe, as I continue to grow in my own understanding of me, and re-center, I can forgive her and have a successful relationship with her again. There is NO article however, for overcoming physical abuse. I'd love thoughts on this. I've spoken with her girls and some believe its still fixable and they know my heart is huge and loves making people smile even though my actions with her won no favor with anyone. Are there any step I can take? Anything I can suggest? Is there even a chance of ever being able to have a healthy relationship again? She seems so angry still. I do my best to not be where she'll be and I don't contact her. Will she come around? Sorry for the slew of questions. Hope to hear all kinds of feedback. Happy to answer other questions as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): It's great that you're having counselling. Is it anger management? And are you on medication to control it?
Were you ever abusive to her before the infidelity? Because if you were, I can sort of see why she did what she did. She wanted love from someone who wouldn't hurt her but was too scared to leave you in case you did something even worse.
If she is still angry at you then this is likely to make you go mad at her again and hurt her again which is the last thing anyone wants! I suggest you make a clean break. Get yourself COMPLETELY fixed up, and then find someone new. Try and avoid the booze because that can make you act irrationally too.
If you work at it then you can get yourself back on your feet, but I think if the two of you were back together, there would be so many emotions running high that you would just be on a downward slope - turn over a new leaf and start totally afresh =]
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (18 November 2008):
 This is a very toxic relationship, and you both seem good at pushing each others trigger buttons. Have you asked your counselor if this is a good situation for you to be in? Sorry, but I think you two are poison together and you need to stay apart, and frankly if I were her mother, I'd be worried about her hanging out with YOU, and worried about my daughters behavior too. Being in an abusive relationship and cheating on your boyfriend constantly doesn't make her a terribly healthy person Either, but together, you are dysfunctional.
Once you address your anger and control issues, you should look for a person who is better for you. Often, if you have a feeling of "extreme"love, "love-at-first-sight" or "I can't live without them love", it can be just your "Issues" being drawn to their "Issues", which is why some people wind up falling for the wrong person all the time. Usually, people doing this repeatedly are trying to fill up the hole in their heart from childhood, which can be there from a number of different issues, and that's why I was SO happy to read that you are in counseling. Your letter is well written, you are obviously an intelligent guy, and you seem to be able to express your emotions too, but you are drawn to the wrong type of person for you.
I think you just need to find someone who is good for you! A real partner, girlfriend or mate will bring out the best in you! AND a good counselor or therapist will help you figure it all out... I think that you already know a lot of this yourself if you are avoiding seeing her, so good for you for already following the right path. I would cut all ties and let the healing start. I think ending this was a healthy decision, and I'm glad you are getting on with your life. You need to address that it should be a FINAL ending, though, in order to move forward. I hope this feedback isn't too harsh, but I really feel that this isn't where you truly belong.
If you want to read the most beautiful description of love, try this Bible passage (and No, I am not a church person or bible thumper).
1 Corinthians 13
Best of Luck, Dear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): hey there...my boyfriend is the same way with me...and i've done nothing but try to help him and be loving and supporting but he has a very bad anger problem and i have been with him for 2 years and i have his child and he makes me so sick to my stomach because of all the things he has put me through..physical and emotional abuse on every level i can never get over it.. honestly that girl will probably never come around to the same level it was before...it would never be the same...as for you though...as a person...there is hope! all the answers you need are inside of you no amount of money or psycho thearpy is going to help. you know what the right thing to do is and that is figure yourself out...understand yourself..until you can do that no one else will be able to understand you! figure out what triggers your anger...what makes you mad..things from the past present stress whatever it is...then when you find the trigger you need to release pressure somehow and slow the adreneline other wise you will fall into a BRICK WALL MODE...and thats when all doors of communication shut and things get bad...stop it WAAAAY before you get to that point...but like i said you HAVE all the answers you need because when it comes down to it mind over matter you are in control of your actions!! hope i could be of some help!
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