A
male
age
51-59,
*allguy68
writes:Hi Folks,Commitment issues of my own have caused my girlfriend to give up :(!I'm after some advice, not sure if anyone can help, but basically the story goes like this:My girlfriend and I were together for 3 1/2 years. We had a long distance relationship, 120 miles apart, I drive to see her every weekend.In the beginning, I was on cloud nine, I thought all my dreams had come true when I met my girl friend. We loved each other with such a passion and both felt we had waited all our lives to feel like that.As we were both not 18 anymore, she had children and whilst this might not have been an ideal situation, I was happy to go with it.In the first two years of our dating, her ex husband put us through hell with his campaign of hate and destruction, yet I supported her and we got through.He was a controlling ex and couldn't handle that she was managing without him.After two years, he finally simmered down and a year back, the divorce came through.Now one would think that by now, I should have proposed, asked her to move in etc.Another factor is that I'm in my 40's and never lived with a girl full time.Basically, I'm finding it hard to now commit to changing my life completely AND sharing it together with her and the two children.Originally, we had planned for her to move down with the two children as I have a steady job and it made more sense financially. The main fear is that kids would have to move school, and they would all have to move away from friends etc to somewhere completely different. Somewhere were my girl friend may find it hard to get work.I was afraid in case things didn't work out, I felt that if they all move to be with me and things didn't work out, I'd have dragged them all away from their home and then messed them around.I was also afraid that I would struggle with handling the kids. They can be quite a handful at times and even test the patience of their mother on a daily basis. Because I haven't appeared to be keen on her and kids moving in with me, she now feels that I don't think enough of her to follow through with it. We broke up once before and I missed her so much that I made plans for us to move in and she seemed happy with that. Unfortunately, I probably went cold again, due to having too much time to think and the kids playing up. I wish that I had just said 'pack your bags, you're coming with me' and we'd just done it rather than having to wait 8-9 months for end of school term.I do sometimes struggle with the fact that the kids seem to have more control over things that her or I did. I felt like they dominated us in some ways.Now that we've broken up, I'm heart broken and struggle with the idea that we won't be together. She was/is the love of my life and I feel like I'll never meet anyone like her again.Any advice would be welcome as I'm going through turmoil at the minute, having really painful dreams etc.Thanks,
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broke up, divorce, her ex, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 What type of occupation do you have? Are you more rooted in your hometown than she is to hers? Do you have lots of family in your town? Basically, just weight out who would be better off moving. If it is you, then do it. Yes, it may take time to adjust, but it's not that far really. You can always visit whoever is still in your hometown. My boyfriend and I live 7600 miles away from each other and he is leaving his life in california to be here with me. He is so sure about it that he's actually getting a job for the first time in his life to fund the trip (he had funds from elsewhere prior).
A
female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt  +, writes (1 November 2011):
 Print out what you wrote here and give it to your (ex)girlfriend.
At this point, you have nothing to lose and you might as well lay all of your cards out on the table. I imagine that she will at least want to engage in discussing things once you put your fears out there.
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A
male
reader, tallguy68 +, writes (31 October 2011):
tallguy68 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for your replies.
I have told her how I feel about everything, but it seems that she's made her mind up already.
The problem is that my fears have given her fears. She doesn't want to move kids & leave all her friends. Who could blame her though, who would leave everything to move in with a man who showed so much fear, hardly any wonder that we are here.
She loved me so much, so much so that perhaps in the end, because I was commitment shy, she just wanted the relationship over so that she could get some kind of peace. She is a very sensitive girl & obviously this has been just too painful for her to bear.
The truth is, I think she still does love me but has still ended it.
I think that the only way this might work is if I was to move to be with her. That would show a lot of commitment from me.
The stupid thing is that if I'd have been sure at the start, she would have moved down to me with the kids. So in a way, I screwed up! I just couldn't help but worry about it :s.
There is no doubt that I will be taking on a lot, but at the same time, I feel confident that I would get used to the new life. It might take a period of adjustment, but it would be worth it in the end.
Thanks,
John
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 October 2011):
 The kids will grow and mature and move out...
have you told her all the stuff you've told us?
if you are both together every weekend and that's working out ok for you why not do that till the kids are older? just maintain two homes...
I just transistioned from a LDR (100 miles apart) to living together but my kids are long grown and out of the house... my man 38 never married no kids... he left his location and came to me as I have the better job... it's a challenge now for the two of us even without minor children...
IF you want to make it work with her then suck it up be afraid and jump in... there are no promises in life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): Your girl friend comes as a package, she's a mum with 2 children. That is the first thing to accept without question - life would be full, busy and demanding but with its rewards. The distance is an issue. Disrupting the children's life is not ideal, could you move to be near them? You are at an age when no one you meet will be without baggage of some type, so you have to face reality. Be on your own or grasp at a chance of happiness while expecting a few bumps along the way. Don't let the chance of happiness slip through your fingers. Make compromises, be flexible - if you want to make this relationship work before its too late.
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