A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: have an ethical dilema......is it cheating if I am in a relationship that is more like a friendship( he sleeps in one room, I sleep in the other, he has no intention to marry me because I won't give him kids, I cook for him and take care of him emotionally and we split the rent and pay for our own stuff individually) and I talk to other men and sometimes( seldom) flirt ???
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 December 2020):
 So if you can't leave him for financial reason, I think you need to have enough of a conscience to not flirt with strangers online.
Or have a straight up TALK about what you are both looking for and if you CAN turn this into a room-mate situation and basically, BOTH be single.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2020): It might be time to breakup. If you have decided he is now a roommate; then it should be discussed and established that the relationship-dynamic has changed. That leaves him the option to leave or stay. Once that is accomplished, then you can freely start flirting and dating. It makes no sense to hold-on to him, and do it in his face. Why would you do that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE ADVICE!!
When we first moved in together we were exclusive yes( hence the guilt) however things turned into something like more of a friendship/roomateship......
we haven't been intimate in quite a while because we are not very compatible in bed
he is older than me, not younger but swings between acting like an adolescent and a grumpy 85 year old!
I think I initially started taking to men online mostly out of the boredom of social isolation brought on by the pandemic but there was one man I connected with and found attractive( the initial excitement is starting to dye down)
I do wonder if I can find someone else again to make me feel excited and alive again but I'm having a hard time dealing with the guilt and having to hide my actions( I can definitely not venture out to find my own place at least till the pandemic is over so......
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 December 2020):
 What you have described is a room-mate arrangement, not a relationship. If you have sex occasionally, it is akin to a "friends with benefits" arrangement. If you don't, then it is definitely the former.
Guessing here but I suspect he is (1) younger than you and/or (2) possibly from another culture/country. He is using you to ensure a roof over his head. Why are you cooking for him and "taking care of him emotionally"?
On the plus side, he is at least paying his way and not financially dependent on you, but this is likely to be so that he does not feel obligated to you in any way.
See this for what it is and get your life back on track. To answer your question: no, it's not cheating, because it doesn't sound like there is a relationship on which to cheat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2020): You're roommates. You're more or less holding each-other emotional-hostages waiting for one to yield to the wishes of the other. How's it working-out?
Sooner or later, one of you will come to your senses; and you'll realize you're caught in a battle of wills, as far as romance goes. Otherwise, it's convenient when it comes to paying the bills and keeping the rent paid.
You don't force children on someone who doesn't want them; and you don't commit and cling onto someone indefinitely who doesn't show any signs that the relationship is going anywhere.
Continue flirting with men; and maybe someone will come along to rescue you, and break you free of whatever that is you two are stuck in.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 December 2020):
 This does not sound like much of a relationship to me, more a friendship bordering on being together for convenience.
I think you both need to sit down and have a talk about what your relationship status actually is.
Sounds like to me it would be a good idea to declare a friendship, then you can can chat and flirt with guy's to your hearts content without the guilt.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 December 2020):
I'd say yes.
Because YOU call it a relationship.
Maybe you should ASK him? Wouldn't that be better?
If you two are more like room mates why not have a chat and DEFINE what you have to being ROOM MATES not "in a relationship"? That way HE can talk to whomever HE likes and YOU can do the same without feeling guilt or asking strangers on the Internet if it's OK......
Common sense, OP
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