A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I am in a fairly new relationship however me and this guy have been great friends for the past 2 years so it feels like we have been together for a lot longer than 4 months. Recently he has become really clingy and shown some things I think are unhealthy in a relationship for example he doesn’t like a couple of my shirts which is fine but then I wanted to cut my hair and he didn’t like that idea so to make him happy I left it longer. It is because of a fight this evening that has me questioning what I should do. He said that I was the reason he wanted to commit suicide but also the only reason he didn’t and at first I tried to support him but he kept making excuses and putting me in this place where I feel trapped. I can’t be the only reason someone lives or dies; I am a university student and have other things to do like work so I can’t be at his beck and call all the time but I also don’t want to leave him partly because of the things he has said and partly because I love him. I am just so lost and confused and really need some advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2020): Hi
You are responsible for your life and he for his, Bad news and the discomfort you would start to feel later down the line is tremendous. Break free (nobody owns anybody). It's no point getting into arguments or reasoning with him, he has serious mental health problems and the deeper you get into the relationship, the more severe the problems will be and you will be trapped!!! Get away now. He needs professional help, be firm ( not argumentative) this gives him false hope that you will make up, be strong and gentle and tell him you will have no Sympathy at all for him if he tried anything and you don't want this in your life.
Do not be bribed and guilted or manipulated, very unhealthy relationship. Can you speak to his family so they can take care of getting him help and keep an eye on him.
The more you accept this kind of talk from him the more damage you can cause, show him that it does not work with you.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 December 2020):
 Whenever I read a post which waves red flags equating to clear reasons why someone should get out of a relationship immediately, but the post ends with "I love him", I know I am on a hiding to nothing. Regardless of what anyone tells you, you are not going to leave him. You are not READY to leave him. You want someone to magically "fix" your boyfriend so you can have the relationship you have created in your head. Sadly (for you) there is no magic fix for this.
You are not responsible for whether he CHOOSES to live or die. He possibly has mental health issues which go way way back, certainly before you met him. He needs professional help with these. I say "possibly" because the more sinister explanation for his behaviour is that he does not feel that way at all but is saying all these things to control you. Either way, for your own well being and safety, you need to reach a stage where you are ready to leave this relationship. I doubt you will do it though, regardless of what people say.
If the situation is the first one (the less sinister), your boyfriend is not in a fit mental state to have a relationship. He needs to concentrate on himself, get professional help and get well. Only then will he be in a suitable place mentally to get involved with someone else. You are not his therapist. It is not your responsibility to "fix" him. Offer support by all means, but don't allow him to drag you down.
If the situation is a cynical effort at control (which I suspect is the more likely scenario), you REALLY need to get out for your own safety. This will only escalate. You have already appeased him by not getting the hair cut you wanted. Trust me, it will not end there. Before you know it you will have cut contact with your friends and family to keep him happy, you will not dress in any clothes of which he does not "approve" and you will live your life walking on eggshells around him to keep from "upsetting" him.
My advice: run. Run as fast as you can. Don't look back.
I hope you soon reach a stage where you realise this is what you need to do for YOURSELF.
Stay safe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2020): Oh no!Girl get out now!!!! To put it simply he is a abuser.Do not get pregnant by this thing.Run run run as fast as you can.Get therapy so you understand about abuse and do not pick a man like this again.This is not love.This is a co dependent stay with an abuser kind of thing.No love here.nope.Only control here which will get worse in time...trust me on this.Get out so you can stay alive.Please get out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 December 2020):
 First of all,
You ARE not responsible for HIS life, HIS entertainment, HIS choices (including self-harm). You DO NOT - I will repeat this... YOU DO NOT have that kind of power. Seriously.
I think IF (when) he brings up feeling down or suicidal, TELL him (ask him) to TALK to someone professional who actually KNOWS how to deal with this. (I'd look up some 1-800 numbers/hotlines for your region and GIVE him these, also suggest he seeks help. Because HE needs help.)
You can BE there for someone but you CAN NOT fix this for him. This IS his issue - that ALSO affects you. And not in a good way.
You write: "I tried to support him but he kept making excuses and putting me in this place where I feel trapped." Can you elaborate?
What is he making excuses about? Seeking help?
I would also suggest that you REALIZE that you can not be your partners "therapist". That isn't healthy. While I think couples/friends/family can help each other by talking about this, we ALL have to realize and accept that we CAN'T always FIX thing for others. It's hard enough to fix things for OURSELVES. It's hard enough to make changes for ourselves so trying to CHANGE or FIX someone else is almost impossible.
Do you know his family? If so, I would talk to his mom/dad/ older siblings so THEY also can try and help him get and seek out help.
You also NEED to set some boundaries here. You CAN NOT be at his beck and call. That isn't realistic.
You say : "I also don’t want to leave him partly because of the things he has said and partly because I love him."
So he emotionally blackmailed you to feel like IF you leave he will harm himself? Am I reading that right?
And partly because you love him. OK, know this. LOVE can't fix this either. you can't MAKE him healthy by loving him. By (in essence) ENABLING him to manipulate YOU to do what HE wants or he will "do harm to himself". THAT isn't love, OP!
Also... It's NOT his hair. If YOU want to cut it, you CUT it. It's FRIGGGING hair, it will grow back out! Now I get that he likes it better long. So what? It's on YOUR head!
You have some shirts he doesn't like... TOUGH cookies. He isn't your STYLIST or paying for your clothing, so he has no say. Though he can voice an opinion - like, not a fan of that shirt or this shirt... but that doesn't mean YOU have to NEVER wear it again! If you LIKE that shirt... you wear it. If you want to be "understanding" of his dislike, just don't wear it around him.
Look, OP. I know it's hard to feel like it would be your fault IF he harmed himself. The thing is, IT WOULD be his choice. You treat him kindly. You care. You don't bully him, hit him or degrade him, RIGHT? I feel it's really UNFAIR of him to threaten self-harm and tell you it's BECAUSE of you. It's not. It's DUE to HIS mental instability. He isn't in a healthy head-space. People who talk and think about self-harm RARELY are.
If your university offers mental counseling, I would URGE you to go talk to someone in person (or over video call) so you can LEARN how to set boundaries with this guy. Or you will end up in a very anxious and dark place yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2020): It's very difficult to talk any sense into a female who has added this disclaimer:
"... because I love him." How much do you love your life and your safety, sweetheart?
Not to scare you, but to make you realize how serious this might be!
It's time to end this relationship!!! It's showing signs of manipulation, and his behavior requires intervention by a mental-healthcare professional. If he was really intent on killing himself, you wouldn't have prevented it. He seems narcissistic and controlling. That is how someone puts their hooks in you; and he's getting exactly the kind of helpless emotional-reaction he wants. He's using psychological-blackmail. He's deciding you're in it for-good, and you can never leave! Oh, hell no!!!
This is above your head. You are too young and inexperienced to remain involved with someone who tells you they're suicidal! He's suffering from mental-illness, and you are not equipped to handle someone like him. You are not a trained and licensed therapist; and you're not his savior. He's placing too much responsibility on you; and at the same time, he is cornering you to make you feel there is no escape.
If you're not living at home, or on-campus; I recommend you inform your family about this guy. You should talk to campus security to let them know you're not exactly sure how to handle this situation; and you're uncertain, if your boyfriend may do harm to himself. Trying to handle this all on your own is precisely how this could possibly go wrong. Meanwhile, you feel pressured and trapped! That's exactly how he wants you to feel; so it is best you ease your way out of it. First, let campus security and everyone close to you know you feel uncomfortable, and unsure of what he might do. While on-campus, your learning institution is responsible for your safety.
You have to learn when guys talk crazy, you don't wait around to find out just how sick they might be!!! The longer you stay, the more you place your safety and well-being in jeopardy! If your family needs to come and get you, now is the time to let them know that you're scared!
Love does not require you to be reckless and foolish! You are not his possession! If a guy tells you his life depends on your being there; you are dealing with someone suffering serious mental-health issues, and he could be potentially dangerous to both you and himself!
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