A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Dearcupid,I came from asian background and i was on the dating website. Recently i meet a guy on line and went for a coffee date and one dinner date. Now i have a little question to ask " for the western culture, what should happen with the payment? is guy should pay for the coffee? or we should share the cost? or alternate with the payment? I am not sure what should i do? thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 The man should pay. If he doesn't want to pay during the first few dates, you might as well run for the hills.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): It depends, normally if someone asks you out for a coffee or a drink, guy or girl, it's nice of them to pay for you (and its not too expensive so no one has to feel uncomfortable.)
Anything else like dinner, or a movie, you should really split the bill, I've been on plenty of dates where we have paid for our own stuff and that's been fine. I'm a uni student and most of the guys I have dated are also students, so neither of us have much money and it wouldn't be fair to expect someone to pay all the time just because they were a guy.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 [Passages used]
Paying Etiquette: who pays the cheque? ON FIRST DATES – In short it’s the male; as it’s not just the gentlemanly thing to do, it also indicates that he is responsible, steady and well-established. Women like that; as it helps them decide whether or not he is relationship-ready.
IF HE asked YOU OUT – In short; if he instigated the date, then he will be expected to pay regardless…
IF YOU asked HIM OUT – Again the male should be ready to pay. However in this situation, it’s more likely that you will cover the cost of you both.
GO DUTCH… As a STEADY COUPLE – At this stage, there is no longer any reason why HE should be expected to pay for everything, especially if you have similar incomes…
As you can see ‘Going Dutch’ applies only after casual dating (the first dating period).
Cheers – CAA :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): Well, that depends.
Traditionally, the guy pays.
Currently, my girlfriend and I split the bills. But sometimes we alternate payments, keeping a rough record of who paid what amount, so that we're more or less even.
My advice to you is: be prepared to pay for yourself, HOWEVER, if the guy insists to pay, let him do that. It makes us (the guys) feel manly and protective of our girlfriends :)
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 The latest"trend" seems to be adoption of a Dutch custom, "Dutch treat" everyone finacially responsible for his/her own consumption.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 You pay for you and he pays for him. But, if he likes you he will offer to pay. However it is polite of you to pay for yourself unless he offers. It is impolite to expect him to pay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): Traditionally the guy pays, but more of us want equal relationships these days so we pay equal.
Generally if the guy is the one who asks you out then most women expect he'll pay too.
The woman should always offer to pay her part though OP. That's just politeness, even for guys who still do pay for everything you should still offer to pay for your half and allow them to refuse, and "treat" you.
One thing though OP, in Western culture it's the women who dictate these terms. So in effect you're allowed to dictate whatever you're comfortable with.
A lot of western women won't see a guy again if he doesn't pay for everything, other western women will feel it wrong for the guy to pay for everything and will insist on paying their share.
Just offer to pay for your own coffee and don't worry about the rest. If he pays that's cool, if he lets you pay your half that's cool too. It really is up to you what you prefer, it's up to each woman to dictate how a guy should treat her. One big no-no is a guy who asks you out for a coffee then makes you pay for everything, that type is not worth seeing again at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): There really is no set rule. Some guys are traditional and some are more casual about paying for a date. A lot of it has to do with your preference as well as the guy's interest. If a guy likes you most likely he'll buy you a coffee. Or even buy dinner the first couple of times you go out. Some guys will be happy to split the bill if you offer. Some guys don't even let you see the bill and they'll cover it before you even notice. But all in all, traditionally, yes, men do expect to pay for the first few dates when taking out a woman. After that you can split the bill or take him out. Or if you go to a bar, he may buy the first few rounds and then you can step up and offer to buy the next round. They appreciate that. Here's my personal rule of thumb. If I like the guy and can see myself dating him I ALWAYS let him pay on the first few dates. If I don't really like the guy and don't see myself dating him, I always split the bill.
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A
female
reader, queenadelaide  +, writes (18 June 2013):
It's a matter of personal principles.Myself and most of my friends split the bill with the man. Or another version of splitting the bill is alternating, he pays for one activity / meal and you pay for the next etc. In the end you've both spent a similar amount on each other.Depends on what sort of man you're after. If you want a traditional kind of guy then he might be happy to pay for you all the time. A more modern and liberal man will respect your status as his equal and will be happy to let you pay half.For a first date, I believe the person who initiates the date should pay. If he invites you, then he pays, if you invite him then you pay. Having said that, it's always important that you always have the money to pay for yourself, and to always offer to split unless otherwise agreed. It's not fair to expect someone else to pay for you when they don't know you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): Don't take for granted the guy will pay, expect to go halfs on the bill and it'll be a pleasant surprise if he offers to pick up the bill as its only fair to to halves
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (18 June 2013):
 I think it's polite to offer to split the bill, or if the man insists on paying, offer to cover the tip if there is one.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 June 2013):
I think it depends. IMO, you have to really decide if we are going by 1950 rules or 2013 rules. If its 1950 rules, then the man pays without question, however, all of the other 1950 conventions go along with that. If its 2013 rules, then I say whoever did the asking pays the first date, and then alternate after that.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 June 2013):
 Typically the guy will pay for it. However, if you are dating long-term, its okay to rotate turns and take him out. Some guys may not let you, though.
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