A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I've got this girlfriend that's been married for 16 years, and just last year cheated on her husband with her boss for a little over a year. They've ended the relationship about 6 months ago. She fell in love with him and I am my wits end trying to figure out what to tell her without being mean and heartless. In my mind, she shouldn't have cheated in the 1st place. Unfortunatley it's not as easy as that. Any advice on what I could tell her?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 May 2008):
 WHY GOD GAVE US FRIENDS
God Knew That Everyone Needs
Companionship And Cheer,
He Knew That People Need Someone
Whose Thoughts Are Always Near.
He Knew They Need Someone Kind
To Lend A Helping Hand.
Someone To Gladly Take The Time
To Care And Understand.
God Knew That We All Need Someone
To Share Each Happy Day,
To Be A Source Of Courage
When Troubles Come Our Way.
Someone To Be True To Us,
Whether Near Or Far Apart.
Someone Whose Love We’ll Always
Hold And Treasure In Our Hearts
~ Author Unknown ~
As a friend, we should not judge another friend.
You know and she knows and it does not have to be spoken.
We should not heap coal on her head.
She is pathetic enough without your judgment .
What good would your words do?
They will only hurt her more and may caused her to go deeper into depressions and possible suicide.
She is lost and confused like a child.
Who would not if one has got to go through like her?
Friends who love you will build you up when you are falling
down and pick you up and carry you when you are too stubborn to walk.
FRIENDS
We need our friends for many reasons,
No matter what the day or season…
We need friends to comfort us when we are sad,
And to laugh with when we are glad.
We need friends to give us good advice,
Someone we can count on to treat us nice.
We need friends to remember us when we have passed
Sharing memories that will always last.
We need friends to help us solve our troubles
And to share good times so the joy is doubled
That’s why we need friends…
That’s why I need YOU!
By Unknown
No words is ever sufficient enough to replace those heartaches .
We want to comfort our friend and try to say something which
may alleviate those hurts and pains.
Sometimes , we are at a loss of words to say and for fear
saying the wrong words and instead of comforting them , we
may inadvertently cause them more sorrow or hurt.
And it will reflect badly upon us when in retrospect we give much thought about it.
We can only looked at them , hold their hands or give them a
hug or lend them a shoulder to cry on and to allow them to
vent those deep sorrows which they have been bottled up inside.
What we can do is to be there for her and help her on the road to recovery.
To share her griefs and tears and not be judgmental.
For further readings.
Don’t let age, marital status, or other differences rob you of a great friendship.
Camerin Courtney
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/1996/novdec/6w6066.html
A
male
reader, WastedLife +, writes (7 May 2008):
Good friends don't abandon friends easily, yet they do detach from viscous sucking disasters. Remain a friend, tell her that you have no real answers for her - that she has to choose a life path - either repairing the marriage to the best of her ability or leaving it if that would help either her or her husband. Tell her she needs a clear minded counselor that can help her find an honest path out of the mess, and she should do her best to minimize the hurt to everyone.
Beyond that, she may have an emotional trigger that nobody is looking for. There may be something else that needs to be addressed that is sabotaging her ability to think straight. Good luck finding it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): For your own sanity, and maybe hers to, maybe you should consider leaving her be and move on. It sounds like she will not change, that she is currently a wreck, and it will only bring you down further.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I must admit I got pretty confused as to who you are in this equation. But
She cheated on her husband, the guy dumped her, and over a year of this affair, she somehow feel in love and her life is over?
She is reaping what she has sowed. Simple as that. She now has to justify the mess she has created and has somehow now become a victim? NOT.
Her state of mind at the moment is something she needs to deal with. She has been married for 16 years and has a person in her life, whom I presume, she is still with. This is either his job or his and her problem, not yours.
Yes support is a human need, but she also needs to be accountable for this mess. You allowing her not to get real with it, only continues to suggest that she is somehow a victim of a terrible tragedy.
This is what I can't figure out. How come someone is tough enough and emotionally able to, continue to be disloyal and betray someone, keep secrets, control their emotions enough when it is going their way, in other words, keep it together. Then somehow the same characters are destraught, can't handle it, feel lost, alone and all confused - WHEN THE ARE EITHER DUMPED OR CAUGHT?
So I suppose how come, she has now come to the end of her ability to get over this? How stuffed up is she now, than she was before she was dumped? And why is it your problem.
If you want to be a good friend, tell her to get herself sorted and work out how she got herself into this drama in the first place. Tell her she is a grown women, who has made poor choices and now has to deal with the outcome. Tell her to get help from a cousellor or someone skilled to help her re-evaluate her priorities in life so she learns from this part of her life to avoid this outcome.
Everything this lady is experiancing, is of her own making, the resolution to her moving on from this, is her's to find. Maybe her facing this alone, will be her best and most valuable lesson. If she has been subscribed medication, then it is for those who subscribed it to monitor.
She is a big girl, who made a big mess! Her problem. Her solution.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): Attraction justifies nothing. Neither does strong emotional bonds. Cheating is cheating. We can't control our thoughts & feelings but we can control our actions.
You can still support her struggle to cope with her problems without actually approving of what she is doing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUnfortunately, I've tried being hardcore and mean to her. Straight up telling her everything that's on my mind. That's only hurt her worse. She's gotten on antidepressants as a result and can't get past this guy...She's 36 and it's like I'm talking to a teenager.
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