A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am seriously attracted to a male friend of mine but cannot work out whether my feelings are reciprocated, or whether he sees me simply as a friend. I am 25, he is 27. I met him about a year ago at university (he is a tutor, I am a student, I hasten to add that he does not teach me, although we are in the same faculty) and we hit it off straight away. I must admit, I was instantly attracted to him and he has always shown a keen interest in me. Last year, we met socially a few times and emailed each other on and off but (aside from one or two occasions that he seemed unusually keen) I did not really consider that he may be attracted to me. This year however, the thought has crossed my mind several times. For example, we bumped into each other on campus on the first day after the summer break and he seemed genuinely pleased to see me. We sat together and talked for about forty-five minutes until we were eventually interrupted by a mutual acquaintance. While she was talking to us, he looked over at me more than once and when I made my excuses to leave, he followed me immediately. There is nothing particularly strange in this as we were both walking to the station however, when we arrived, we both missed our trains as we continued to talk. He even suggested (after I had missed my second train) that I get on the same train as him even though it was going in the opposite direction and would have taken me substantially out of my way (he soon realised that this was totally ridiculous and looked a little embarrassed). Since then, things have been really rather lovely! We email frequently and at length (sometimes more than once a day) and have met socially on several occasions. We discuss anything and everything and have so much in common that we rarely disagree. We have both commented on the number of opinions and passions we share (it has even become a bit of a joke between us) and are constantly finding new things that we have in common. There are so many little things that make me question his interest in me. For example, he has often said he has a terrible memory yet remembers silly little things about me (such as my free periods) and, although also claiming to be unobservant in day-to-day scenarios, notices things that have surprised me. I attended some lectures that he was involved in and, even though there had been 150 students present, he was able to tell me that I 'always sit at the back, to the right'. We have both commented on how quickly time passes when we are together and every time I see him, he stops to talk, even if I am engaged in other conversation. People have commented on the amount of time we spend together and have started to ask me if they are looking for him (I have not told them how I feel about him). He even makes subtle excuses to see me and is persistent if I do not take him up on the offer straight away. The problem is, although are so many signs that he is interested in me, there are also things that, to me at least, indicate that he may not see me as anything more than a friend. For example, we rarely make physical contact (aside from obvious platonic gestures such as hand shaking and the odd 'high five') and we have not exchanged phone numbers, or even seen much of each other outside campus (although we have spent weekends and recently the Christmas break communicating via email). Although he will often sit with me around campus, if someone else approaches us, he usually finds a reason to leave. Also, there are times when he will become very suddenly and abruptly professional in tone. It is funny, if I attempt to ignore the change in tone, he will be more persistent yet if I respond with a similar level of professionalism, he immediately returns to our usual level of informality. I have tried to look for signs of flirting (body language etc) but get too caught up in conversation to really pay much attention. We make lots of eye contact, but I do not know whether this is a sign of anything other than his friendly nature (I don't even know how much eye contact passes for 'normal'). The emails often include some sort of sexual connotation but as we are both interested in psychoanalytic criticism, this is not necessarily a sign that he fancies me (although admittedly the references sometimes seem a tad unnecessary). Part of me feels like I should just ask, but I don't want to run the risk of spoiling what we have already. Neither, may I add, do I want to spend too much time falling head over heels for someone that does not see me as more than a friend. Can anyone shed any light on this for me?
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male
reader, LovelessAct1  +, writes (10 January 2011):
Simply based on your description, and coming from a male perspective, I would say there is a good chance he feels something for you. For one thing, he really seems to enjoy your company and remembers the little things about you (a sign that he was paying deep attention to you when they happened) He obviously savors the time he spends with you since he usually finds reason to keep in conversation and makes good eye contact.
Don't mind the lack of physical contact; perhaps he doesn't want to over step any boundaries. I personally tend to have more physical contact (touching the shoulder, a hug, etc) with females that I see as merely friends, where girls I'm interested in I try to keep my distance as to not be too forward. Do you know any of his other female friends? How does he act around them? Sometimes guys don't distinguish their actions from girl to girl, but theres a chance that he does.
I'd definitely say you should just talk to him about it. It sounds like you two get along well enough without having to make things awkward; plus you're both adults and can handle a slightly off-beat conversation. I would tell him in a serious manner that you really enjoy spending time with him and that you'd really like to get to know him better. That's a safe way to give him a clear sign from you so you're able to see how he reacts without a risk of making things shaky.
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