A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: hello i am a 19 year old Hindu girl and I have fallen for my sisters 23 year old white male friend and he feels the same but my sister has band me from seeing him.(they have been mates for over 20 years)a few months ago i finally got up the nerve to ask him how he felt about me as i was always in love with him for as long as i can remember I was so happy when he told me he felt the same. we started a relationship taking it nice and slow. we was planing on telling my sister soon but she found out via someone ells in the family they said they saw us holding hands around town. anyway my sister hit the roof (and her friend) she also called me a whore and slapped me she has now threatened to tell are mum and dad and has band us from seeing each other we still try and meet up but we both hate lying and sneaking around what can we do to make my sister come around. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2014): Hey flynn 24
That is just my opinion n im not asking for advice. The question asker do.
You should focus to her question not to my answer.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 August 2014):
 See ? There you have it. The details you omitted in the first post are not irrelevant, amd I think you know it, and kind of explain why your sister went berserk , even if of course explaining is not the same as justifying.
If the whole problem was just that, your bf, very rightly, wants to be the first to tell your parents , and, in fact , ask them permission to date you, then... there would be no problem. All he's got to do to defuse your sister's threat, is to beat her on time. Have him go tomorrow- today- IN AN HOUR to your parents and say : Dear Sir and Madam, , may I...
But I think you KNOW it still would not go down that well anyway. Even if he is a good friend of your family, even if they love him.
Because in their eyes he may make a wonderful friend- but not a suitable husband for their daughter.
In fact, in their eyes, he is NOT. You are supposed to marry another Hindu. From the same, or acceptable caste. There's no real conversion ,... Hindu is something that you are born in. And, still nowadays, and ALSO in UK ( as I am sure you realize ), less than in India, but still most of Hindu marriages are arranged by parents. Not your case, they'll let you choose ? yeah , but ... they'll let you choose among suitable Hindu guys.
That's what all the strictness, and the furious reaction of your sister come from.
Of course, as parents, and as traditional parents too, they can't be enamoured of the idea of you just hanging out for a while with a white Christian, who will you end up to have sex with, ruining your value in the eyes of a nice Hindu guy... only to end up parting ways eventually.
Btw,I am not saying that a Christian cannot marry a Hindu in UK. They can- they can go to a registrar office and have a civil, legally binding ceremony. For the law you'd be married like anybody else.
But not for your parents and extended family, probably. You can't have a religious, sacred Hindu marriage. If your parents are conservative and religious, for them you getting married in a registrar office through a civil ceremony is equivalent to you just shacking up with some guy and bringing shame and disgrace on them .
In short : if your family is strict and conservative ( it sounds like they may be ) , you've got yourself quite a situation. A Romeo and Juliet kind of thing. They can't see a future for you guys, and they think you'll be wasting your time ( and virginity, and reputation ) with this man, even if he is a really nice person as an individual.
Not saying that you don't have a chance, or that you can't make them come around, change their mind, accept that for you love is more important than religion and tradition. Not saying that if he is really a good guy, and will fight for you, he won't win them over.
Only, that : are you REALLY surprised ? your sister does not need to have a secret crush on this guy to be furious- she just needs to be an observant Hindu older sister.
( is she married or single, btw ?... because she may also think, that if you run around with the " wrong " guys, and make too many people wag their tongues, that also will reflect badly on HER....)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2014): hello this is the poster of the q
sorry that i did not go in to detail i shall do now NO he is not a bad or ever done drugs or womanise he just a kind sweet loving man whom will go out of his way to make anyone happy. and yes hes single (when i asked him out that is lol)
yes he is from a different faith hes white Christian and im Hindu.
no im not really aloud to date especially someone not from my own race as it were.
now on to the point about my family he has been to many family events in the past and my mum and dad do like him
the reason why the threat of my sister telling mum and dad is so bad is as we (me and my partner) where planing on telling them are selfs as he is going to ask permission from them to date me (purely out or respect to them)and if my sister told them 1st it would be v bad as they are really strict and set in the old ways and would expect any lad to prove them self to them 1st i know that he can do this as he has also been friends with my mum and dad for many years.
sugarplumb786 you may have a point i never thought about that but if she dose also like him why did she not say anything before hand ? .
i shall keep you all up dated on how it all goes.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 August 2014):
What I don't understand is " she has threatened to tell my mum and dad ". Well, where's the threat ? If you are planning to date this guy long term, and not to just have a quick fling,... they ARE supposed to know. They would be introduced to him, he'd be coming to pick you up from home, or to hang out there occasionally ( even if you do not want to involve him into anything formal like special family occasions ). You would mention, " my bf bought me this " or " my bf is taking me to X place ". Anyway, if you go around town kissing and holding hands... sooner or later , they would see you themselves , or would be told by other people, even without your sister intervening.
So why the secret and what's it about ? Are you NOT supposed to date ? Is he NOT single ? Are you from a culture which frown upon selecting your own partner ?... Or, has this guy a bad reputation for something in his past ( drugs ? womanizing ? chronically unemployed ?... ) I mean, what's so WRONG with this guy that your parents should not know about him ?..
Then again, if he is a BAD guy, with a shady past, or questionable habits / personality... one wonders why your sister would have kept him as a friend for over 20 years.
To reach the point of slapping you ! ( weird ) to deter you from seeing him ( btw, ok, she is the older sister, but what authority has she got over you , to choose your dates ?... ) she must have some strong objections,- other than a very normal, very human bit of jealousy ( like, " oh shucks, he used to be my best friend ever, now we won't be as close anymore, because he is going to like my younger sister better " ).
Do you know for sure, have you ASKED her exactly what are her objections against this guy ? what precisely makes him a good , loyal friend for one sister- but totally wrong as the other sister's partner ?...
Is he from a different religion, culture, social class ...so she feels it can only end badly and he would only be wasting your time ?... ( Not that she would be right in thinking this, or justified in her actions, since ultimately that's not her business anyway- but it would explain her strong reaction ).
I feel there must be more to the story. Otherwise , it does not make a lot of sense, and one would have to think your sister just has some mental inbalance.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (25 August 2014):
 Are you sure your sister does not have a crush on this friend. What I don't understand is the rather strong objection to you dating him.
Maybe you should try talking to your sister and understand why the strong objection. You will have to decide what you value and how far you willing to go? Also at your age I doubt you can support yourself and that alone will pose a challenge should your family decide to throw you out because they disapprove.
If you have a really good and understanding parents, then beat your sister to it and ask them to hear you out and give you a chance. Telling your parents yourself is a lot less damaging than what your sister would do.
Tell them you don't want to lie and sneak around and therefore would like to be honest with them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2014): To those who would say 'blood is thicker than water', you can't marry your family. Nor should you be expected to do only what benefits them, or things they agree with.
This is the 21st century and once you are 18 you make your own decisions in this life.
If these two are happy, then I say the family, and the sister, should support them or shut the hell up and deal with it.
Your family are not the ones you experience romance with, and romance is what we are all in this crazy world for.
Flynn 24
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2014): Sounds familiar.
My brothers friend kind a like me. Asked me out 3 times.
I rejected. Because my brother told me. No not him. His no good.
You know what i did? I trusted my brother.
I wouldnt trade my relationship with my brother just because of someone i have met for 5mins or so.
Now its up to you. To me blood is thicker than water.
Unless his really really worth it.
He have proven himself to you that his a rare diamond.
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