A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiI am in a bit of a pickle. To be brief, I fell in love with my best friend. He is a married man with two children, he is in love with me too and we had an emotional affair. Nothing physical has happened between us. We are just agreeing to be best friends, I don't want to break up a marriage or make things difficult. Guess question is: should I remove myself out of his life? Cut all contact and ties?. He doesn't want to hurt his wife and children or cheat physically, neither do I. Why it has not happened. Sometimes I think it would be better if I left, I'm not so delusional to think he won't forget about me or that he won't be ok without me in his life. I know eventually he will, he has someone to spend his life with and children too. Do I stay and continue to be his supportive best friend or leave?.
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affair, best friend, fell in love, married man Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ieomi  +, writes (6 December 2013):
 Now my question to you, do you really need to ask?
You are either waiting for someone to tell you stay stay, you aren't harming a family or you are playing dumb and pretending you don't know that you should leave.
But sweety, I am not judging you. I am doing the same thing with a married man and I am saying those harsh words to myself and to you.
Good luck :)
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (18 October 2013):
I'm not going to tell you what you did wrong. I think you already know what you are doing is wrong.
You need to end your friendship with you male best friend. Sorry, but this is not going to get better for you. You are hurting yourself. How do you plan on meeting someone special if you are still hanging on to what could be. Your mind will not be in "the game" of dating when you got him hanging over your head. You need to be healthy. This relationship is not healthy. You are not getting your needs meet in a way you require.
Move on.....you deserve this for YOU!
Good Luck!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (18 October 2013):
 My vote is to stop contacting him and let the relationship end. You've said you are an introvert and don't make friends too easily. My guess is that you are not progressing in finding a life partner because you are hung up on this guy, who did choose a life partner and started a family with her. Basically, by staying in contact with him and continuing the emotional affair, you have pressed the "pause" button in your life. You are on hold. You are not emotionally available to other men as potential dates.
You are stifling your own personal growth and future. Time to stop. Let things dwindle and die with him and face your future, scary as that may be to you.
If you've been friends since school and never acted on your attraction till now? Tells me you really don't know what you want, and that he wasn't that into you back then either. He's not a best friend now, he's a liability, a weight dragging you into the past, keeping you from living a full rich life with an available man.
Sorry, time to move on, he no longer has your best interests at heart.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 October 2013):
 OP I think that as sad as it will make you, you should remove yourself totally from his life, not to PROTECT HIM or SAVE HIS marriage but rather to protect yourself and save yourself heartbreak.
AND FWIW, if I was a woman who was given the choice of letting my husband have an emotional affair with a woman or a physical affair with her I'd pick the physical affair over the emotional one any day of the week.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2013): ++++ORIGINAL POSTER++++
@ wiseowl It's not my best friend husband, the husband is my best friend but thank you for advise.
@ auntyem known him from school, best friends for years now, long as I can remember. Sometimes we don't know what was under our nose until its too late.
We are both introverted types who don't make friends or fall in love too easily or find it easy to say I love you to another person, we have always had a deep bond since meeting.
I never said emotional affair was not cheating. I guess one is right, a matter of starving the friendship. I'm just more heart broken at losing my best friend than losing a a lover/soul mate. Thank you for responses.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 October 2013):
 I am interested to know how long you have known this man and how you met him, also how come you are 'his best friend'? How did that come about?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (18 October 2013):
 You two have developed a very close emotional bond, you may not have had sex together but if this guy was my husband I'd feel cheated on.
You say you have had an emotional affair! In other words you talk about what you would like to do with each other but don't actually do it!
You say you're in love with each other!
How is this NOT cheating on his wife? It IS!!!
Married men can have female friends but the only deep emotional affair he should have is with his wife!
He made vows, to FORSAKE all OTHERS and that doesn't mean just NOT getting in your knickers! He should be faithful in body and MIND!
Where on earth do you see this going? What are you both supposed to do with this friendship?
You're both playing with fire and it's only a matter of time before this blaze gets out of control and people get hurt.
If you stay in his life these feelings will continue to intensify and eventually you'll both consummate this union. Then it get's really bad, he'll feel guilty so will you, you'd both have destroyed his marriage and his family.
This guy needs to steer clear of you and put as much energy into his marriage as he's devoting to your emotional affair!
Back off and leave this family alone. If the marriage ever fails and he comes looking for you THEN you can pursue this.
Do not be the reason for a marriage failing.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2013): Whether you leave or stay is dependent on your behavior, and what your true motive is. How much time do you spend being a friend to your friend's husband over her? If you have a personal life and other friends; I can't see how you can be so busy competing with your best friend for her husband. Unless you're just always hovering and making it your business to steal moments alone with him. Your only reason for being close to her, is to be closer to him.It's only a matter of time before his wife catches on. You're a woman, you know how intuitive women are about their men and their children. She truly knows you, and she knows her husband. Your friend will notice if he's showing too much emotion in your direction. It's an instinct. Love shows, and it's difficult to hide. I find it difficult to comprehend how too adults can be so attracted to each other to such a degree, and have never once acted on it?If you've been so good thus far, what's your worry? Sexual attraction/tension is usually a dead giveaway. The chemistry smells to high heaven. There might be a subconscious slip. She may even be watching you both. The way you look at each other, too much physical contact; and kids aren't stupid either.If your feelings are so strong in the wrong way, why don't you just spend more time looking elsewhere for a man, and less time expressing your feelings for him? You need a distraction. Develop your own love-life. He's only a fish in a barrel. Only too convenient.It would look a bit suspicious if you suddenly just disappeared. It would be more reasonable if you just made yourself scarce. There should be absolutely no one on one contact between you, and your best friend's husband. You may be using the word "love" out of context, and only mean you're attracted to each other. That might be more of the case; if there has been no sex.You might be stretching it calling yourself her best friend; until you sort things out. Right now you're her rival; as long as you claim to be in-love with her husband.It's only a matter of time before people cross the line when they spend too much time nurturing their feelings and sharing a lot of time together. The sexual attraction and tension only builds. I'm only taking your word that you haven't crossed that line. I find it hard to believe; but understand you don't want to be ostracized for having sex with your best friend's husband.If the temptation is too strong and the sexual tension is wearing down your resistance, take some time away to pursue other interests; and only address your friends as a family unit. Don't single anyone out, accept your best friend.Don't ruin a marriage and a friendship. These things happen, and we are only human. Sometimes our hormones overrule our better judgement, and our hearts don't respect boundaries. That's why forbidden fruit is so tempting. Once you take a bite, all hell breaks loose.
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