A
female
age
,
*aio
writes:10 years of marriage and I always though my husband was the most amazing,wonderful, caring, and fair person on the face of this planet. I see know how blind I was,but in a way I was happy. For 4 years now I am dealing with depression because I lost my job and was trying to get something to work.My husband was always telling me that he could take care of me,but he was all the time whinning and screaming about energy bills,water bill,food too much expensive....and I was trying to save maney in everything.I even started eating less and less. Last year he started being further and further from me,and started having many friends that he was having contact.Many of them were women.Because I was alone most of the time I got to go to an adult school and there I found a friend. At that time I had no friends at all. Was a man and I did introduced him to my husband ! They got to be very close,but my husband didnt care about me and told me that was ok if I had a friendship with that man. One day my friend told my husband that he didnt want to be with me all the time and that wouldnt be apropriated to me,as a marriaded woman. My husband asked him,my male friend, to continuing to be my friend because I was alone all the time and I needed him as a friend,because I didnt have any friend of my own.Well,after a while,my friend and I got in love and now I am leaving my husband for him.I asked for the divorce many,many times and all the time my husband dont want to give me the divorce.We are separated now because I am on my mum´s house.My husband still thinks that I am going to go back to him after 4 months on my Mother´s house. I am going to live with my friend in about 2 months from now,and I have to end this marriage,My husband calls sometimes and he seems so alone,so hurted,so sweet ! I asked him IF we got together again he would be more care,stop having too many friends,and would have more commitment with me.He told me that he didnt commit with our marriage and now he would do that.Now I see that my husband wanted me in the house to take care of him,to take care of the house,but not as a woman. I feel bad because he feels alone in the house,as he told me today,and he misses me.I am pretty sure he is trying to manipulate me in feeling guilt and go back to the same life.I am pretty sure he will never change. Waht do you think? I really appreciate your oppinion.Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (18 October 2013):
 Yeah we all understood that you had the depression. I think your husband was trying to stand by you the best he could without losing himself in your depression.
Have you taken meds or made strides towards getting healthier? If not, you may run into the same problems with this new guy.
A
female
reader, Maio +, writes (18 October 2013):
Maio is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Aunts. I was the one with depression.
SorryI might have written wrongly because of the English language.
I was the one with depression and was getting worse with so many complaints. My husband was complaining all the time about the money,bills,water and energy bill,even the food. I felt awful and was trying to have a job,and at the same time he didnt want me to get a job.
was very weird.
When I met my friend he really was glad a had someone to talk with because he didnt want to deal with my depression,and my sadness. So,my freind was the one that practically was there for me.
Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (18 October 2013):
 It seems to me that your husband wants a mother or a nursemaid NOT a wife!
He hasn't said he misses YOU and that he loves YOU he's saying he misses you being IN the house, caring for him, washing his clothes, cooking his meals and doing his shopping!
When you WERE there he moaned, complained, didn't offer you support emotionally or make love to you or make you feel loved.
IF you want to go back to your husband, do it because you LOVE each other not because he wants a maid and you feel guilty!
If you do want to give your marriage another go I would recommend couples counselling BEFORE you go back to the marital home.
If you do not love your husband anymore and know that he doesn't love you and/or you want to move on (which I assume you do as you're happy with your new man and want a divorce) then be true to yourself and stand your ground.
Do what makes you happy. Focus on YOUR life and making it great.
Try and get a job or join some groups or community projects to meet people and make new friends. Believe in yourself a little bit because it seems to me that you spend too much time relying on others for your happiness and well being when you should be relying on yourself.
I don't know what the Portuguese divorce laws are but in the UK if a spouse refuses to sign a divorce paper then the partner can wait a given amount of time and then divorce their spouse on their own signature alone.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 October 2013):
I think you made a huge mistake... You weren't "blind" when you thought he was the most amazing man in the world, he really was. You were blinded by your depression and by this other guy. Your husband dealt with 4 years of depression. Trust me, that's insanely difficult. If your relationship didn't suffer it'd be a miracle.
He was maybe a little too trusting to let you become close friends with this other guy when you were vulnerable, but his heart seemed to be in the right place.
What you really need is treatment, not a boyfriend. Your husband will most likely make an effort, but much of this is out of his control. You need to take matters into your hands and get help with your depression.
By the way, your boyfriend may seem great now, but most people do in the beginning of the relationship. For ten years your husband was "the most amazing,wonderful, caring, and fair person on the face of this planet." Praise like that is very rare, and it seems like it's worth fighting for.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 October 2013):
As someone who has dated someone with significant depression, I have been in your husband's shoes before. Of course, suffering from depression is no walk in the park. However, being the spouse or partner of someone suffering from depression is extremely difficult, as well. Often times people seem to forget that.
I know for me, personally, if I didn't go out and have many friends, I would have sank down into depression, as well. Going out and having my own life was not just for fun - it was a necessity for my mental health's sake. This may very well be why your husband went out all the time. Maybe he needed his friends so he didn't become depressed, himself. I know I did.
As for him telling that man to continue being your friend; it sounds as though he was being a loving and loyal husband. He wanted what was best for you. he knew you didn't have friends and knew you needed to have them. In other words, he was being supportive of you and he trusted you. He was happy for you to find someone to hang out with and spend your time with to help aid in your depression. In my opinion, you betrayed his trust and loyalty to you.
Perhaps there is more to the story that I am completely unaware of. But I am just speaking from my own experience. Perhaps he really was totally neglecting you and pushed you into this mans arms. only you know that. But from where I stand, I see a loving husband who was trying to take care of you while also taking care of himself. Depression is a hard thing to deal with - for both involved.
I hope you figure out what you need to do and wind up happy. Best of luck.
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