A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My ex-husband's old friend moved in with us last year. We have become very close. My divorce was final at the end of last year and he stayed at my house after my ex-husband moved out. He was NOT the reason for my divorce as there were soooo many reasons. Anyway, we have become close friends, but only friends. His kids come over every other weekend and it is like we are a family, without the commitment or sexual intimacy. He is in process of getting custody of his youngest daughter and has decided to move out, not too far away. He has given me a key to his apartment, so that I can come and go. I told him five days ago that I fell in love with him (in a letter) and everything has remained the same. What do I do next? I know he cares, but not how much. His ex-wife is a b**** and treated him horribly. I am going to miss him, but wonder if he will miss me. What do I need to do in order to make sure that he realizes how much he cares for me? I don't want to play games though...I love him too much for that.
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divorce, ex-wife, fell in love, his ex, moved in, moved out, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 February 2008):
 A man's point of view: yes, poster, wait. We could speculate what he is feeling, but what you need to see is what he will do.
I have to make a comment about a post. It's not my intention to make you feel bad, dear poster, but I beg to differ with the person who said that the idea of not getting romantically involved with a friend's ex is "stupid". I'm afraid it's not. It's hard to get involved with the wife of the man who shared his roof with you and gave you a helping hand when you needed him. It doesn't matter if he was mean to the poster; the husband was good to the friend. And I'm sure he takes this in consideration.
That said, I insist: wait.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): I appreciate your answer too..I'm glad I'm not the only one out there in this, or a similar, predicament. We went out shopping the night after he got the letter and he referred to everything as "we", "we" need to get this, "we" need to do this, and he asked my opinion for everything. I think that this loyalty thing makes sense, cause they have a lot of history. I do know that he thinks my ex treated me like crap and he wonders how I put up with it for sooo long (10 yrs of marriage). He also had to show me the bedroom suite he wants to buy...and asked my opinion. He told me he would miss me when he moved out and that my opinion matters alot to him. I think that your answer, along with the other, has shown me that I need to just "(wo)man up" and wait. He is now my best friend and I know that he knows how I feel...obviously he must feel something (even if just friendship), cause he read the letter, kept it (it's in his truck) and I didn't freak him out to avoiding me. I hear that good things come to those who wait, so I think I am going to wait it out. If it is meant to be, it will be...everything happens for a reason.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): I have been in a similar situation in the past. Dearkelja's response was excellent. I have on thing to add to that. If he is so dependent on you for a lot of things, you may have put him in a difficult situation if he doesn't share the same romantic feelings you have for him. I think that you need to sit him down and discuss (face to face) this issue, and let him know there's no strings attached. I imagine he is pretty torn up inside if he *does* have feelings for you but has loyalties to you as a friend and to your husband as a friend as well. There's that stupid code about getting romantically involved with friend's ex's. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): I really appreciate your answer. What you say makes sense. I think it is going to be difficult, as we talk and text multiple times during the day (while at work) and he relies on my for many things, from going with him school shopping for his daughter to listening to using my car.
Again, thanks for taking the time to respond to my question. I usually don't do this, but feel like I can't talk to him (he's become my best friend) about him...
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (3 February 2008):
 If you have already told him in a letter that you fell in love with him then I would say that the ball is clearly in his court.
As for how you act from here on forward, you need to be sure he knows you will remain his friend. It could be that he needs some distance since he is your ex-husband's friend. If he suddenly is with you he may feel like he has betrayed his friend. You have just come out of a divorce and he may want to give you some time to sort out your feelings. Nobody wants to be the rebound person.
I think you need to not try to take things further than you already have, just lay low or you will risk losing him as a friend and then never have a chance to "be in love." He may already feel like you have betrayed your friendship by telling him you are in love with him. I do not consider this playing games, just playing your cards in the right order.
In closing, you state that you need to make sure he realizes how much he cares for you, that really is up to him. How he feels is his responsibility to know and show.
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