A
male
age
41-50,
*oveHurtsSoBadly
writes:This is a bit of a long story. We first met in our teens. I had the hots for her in a major way... and she felt the same way for me. The problem, neither of us was brave enough to tell the other how we truly felt inside. We spent many of our teenage years spending time together... a LOT of time together. We have the same sense of humor. The same corny perspective on life. And we couldn't get enough of each other. We had such a close bond I can't even begin to tell you... but unfortunately for the both of us it never got past that.Eventually, my parents moved the family away and we stopped talking. We pretty much fell out of contact completely. This hurt us both deeply, but as I said before, we never took the opportunity to profess our love for each other so how would we have known how the other felt?Years later she called me and I was in the middle of a relationship. It ended up being a very brief phone call. I thought to myself... "I am in a relationship and would love to leave it for her." But again, neither of us spoke up and we missed the opportunity to have each other again.Throughout the years I have thought of her constantly. She was, and always has been, the girl of my dreams. I married... but about a year ago things really started to fall apart. I thought "My marriage is ending, I have had my dream girl in my heart for so many years and I couldn't take it any more." I decided I would reach out to her and finally tell her how I feel. I searched high and low for the girl I have always longed for... the girl of my dreams. I finally found her on myspace. But to my utter disappointment I discovered that she was now married with 2 children (now aged 3 and 1). We started talking anyway... It was like we picked up right where we left off like we hadn’t missed a beat. We spent so many hours, days, weeks, and months talking about our lives… filling in the missing time. We also finally admitted how we felt for each other. And to the surprise of both of us... the way we still felt for each other. The both of us spent all of these years longing for each other. But only now in this precarious situation did we finally learn of our true feelings. We had a very deep and long cry together. I wanted to hold her so badly…Since she is married with children it seemed obvious that we could not be together. She is happily married and I didn’t want to compromise that. We decided we could at least remain friends. Right around the same time, my wife and I also decided to give it another shot right. My dream girl and I stayed in contact for several months. We talked regularly, and met on a few occasions. Not long after though, my wife found out how deeply this friendship went. She discovered some correspondence my dream girl and I shared... professing out feelings to each other. She demanded that I cut ties with her. To the pain of both me and my dream girl, we agreed that it would be the best thing to do for both of our marriages. We shared another painful moment together. And up until about a week ago, we kept to that agreement.It has now been almost a year since my wife and I decided to give it another try. I have been trying my hardest to reconnect with my wife... to do the right thing. But no matter how hard I try, my heart reaches out to my dream girl... longing for her. I don't know how I can continue with my wife while hiding these feelings, but I push on the best I can.My dream girl sent me an email to see if we could remain friends… but I knew this would be very difficult to talk with my wife about. My dream girl and I agreed to meet for lunch one final time about a week ago. It was at this lunch that we professed our love to each other once again... with neither of us able to even touch our food. We conveyed our sincere disappointment at our life's circumstances. She then told me that it is killing her that she cannot have me... even as a friend. And after that she told me that if she can't have me as a friend that she wants to have ALL of me. She told me how badly she wants to be with me... but is so conflicted over her situation at home. She asked if she could kiss me... and I said yes.We found a place with some privacy and kissed. This was easily the BEST, most passionate kiss I have ever felt in my entire life. It is the kiss that we always wanted to share. Almost an hour later we calmed down... and just sat and held each other and talked for another hour.Later, we sadly parted ways.That night I got into a bad fight with my wife. She had stumbled across the “let’s be friends” email and was very upset. Knowing the agony I had been through over the past year in not being able to give myself fully to my wife, knowing the feelings I had inside for my dream girl, and knowing what I had just done, I didn’t feel I could stay with my wife. We separated again the next day.*** Last night ***I called my dream girl to tell her what had happened. She invited me out to dinner and I agreed. We had a wonderful conversation. Again going over the frustration of the situation. We also had a chance to talk about the kiss. We talked so long that the restaurant closed and she invited me to her house. Her husband works the night shift and no one was home.We sat on the couch and held each other. We joked around like we always do. We played with each other and teased each other. But then the conversation got serious again. She told me again she wants to be with me… but is understandably unsure for so many reasons- what to do with her children- wondering if I am really serious about her after so many years had passed- am I just trying to play her- she does love her husband… but knows she would be MUCH happier with me- is it too selfish of her to end her happy marriage to enter into the marriage of her dreams… but at the sacrifice of the happiness of her children and husbandI did everything I could to reassure her that I would be a good man for her and her children. She looked at me and told me that “I had better be for real”. With that she turned the lights down low and started to kiss me again. The situation got hotter and hotter. We were just about to have sex when she stopped. We talked more and cried. This situation is so frustrating for the both of us. Part of me thinks I should leave her alone… but she doesn’t want me to. She says she needs time to think things over and I told her that would be fine.I didn’t sleep at all last night. I wept as I went to sleep. I woke up shaking and in a sweat 4 or 5 times in the night. I was miserable. It was the same scenario this morning. I ended up calling off from work because of the pain I feel.Here comes the question:I don’t know what to do about this. I want her in my life so badly. I want her to be mine, and me to be hers. I hurt so badly inside that I can’t have her. I have thoughts wondering if she is just stringing me along now… just keeping me around long enough to let her heart settle and finally be able to let me go. But she says she is still undecided if she will leave her husband to be with me.I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. My body aches all over. I long to hear her voice all day. I just don’t know what to do about this.Is there anything I can say or do to make her mine? What is the likelihood of her leaving her family? I just don’t want to be kept waiting for weeks/months/years while she decides what to do.God help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): what have you decided about your wife and your marriage?
i think you are fooling yourself if you think that your "friendship" does not amount to her cheating on her hb. both of you are emotionally attached and both of you will be stealing from your respective partners lives. friendship instead of love/lust/intimate relationship - your intention may now be good but the only way to be completely free from this married woman is to cut ties with her completely. if you think that mere friendship is now possible both you and her are fooling yourselves. in investing in this friendship the lines are still blurred, the emotional intimacy still lingers and you both still run around with each other in a guise of mere friendship. unhealthy all around. (and please stop going to her marital home. it just add more to the sordidness)
A
male
reader, LoveHurtsSoBadly +, writes (27 September 2009):
LoveHurtsSoBadly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSaturday night (last night) she and I had a long talk. She will stay with her husband and we will remain friends. We have discussed the boundaries of this friendship and we will no longer allow ourselves to act out our emotions (and will no longer put ourselves in a situation where they could be acted upon). This completely crushes me but it is what she wants for now and I respect that. I can at least find some comfort in knowing that we will still have our friendship.I will see how this goes. If it seems like a compromising situation may occur again I may have to break ties with her completely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): you both are playing with fire. you both are cheating on both your spouses. where will it all end. you divorced (and rightly so, you cannot just string your wife along anymore and obviously she deserves better than you), as for the dream girl, she will be content to have you as a side item while her faithful hb is doing his night shift work!your dream girl has no qualms about defiling her marital home with you, what with her minor children soundly asleep in the other room while she helps herself to someone else's husband. cut this big drama act bet you and this married woman. you both are messing up peoples lives. these very people whom you two have promised to love and honour and perhaps respect. you make this into a love affair, but remember this, you are conducting an illicit affair, what makes it worse is that this married woman openly flaunts her marriage indescretion with you. her hb trusted her when he left to go to work. how does she repay him - by inviting her lover into her home she shares with her hb and kids. so much for morals. and you also have no qualms about defiling another mans property. speaks volumes of the two of you. so maybe you two actually deserve to be with each other and for you both to actually mess each others lives. in that way you both can experience first hand how much pain and suffering you have caused to others. believe me, if you had any moral backbone at all you would actually cringe at the mere thought of what you have been doing. what a selfish sod you have become in your quest of the unattainable married lover. i feel sorry for your wife. at least now she knows where she stands with you. you have wasted her life for so long. at least now she can start living a proper life without a distrustful cheating husband. who does your dream girl explain herself as the other woman? does she even see herself as one. if she has any sense at all he will remove her blinkers and see herself as another adulterer (as you are).this affair will only end in disaster. you both would have destroyed your wife,(don't know if you have kids), her husband and her young kids lives. then you and your married dream girl will be free to destroy each others lives. your dream girl and yourself are both homewreckers , so in the final analysis what is stopping you two from destroying each others lives. only time will tell what will transpire. if you want to have sex with this married woman at least both you and her have the decency of not doing it in her home or her marital bed. stop defiling her home. and for goodness sake imagine if her kids wwitness their mother and a complete stranger having sex when their dad is not at home. doesn't make a pretty picture does it. you have had no respect for your wife and seems like you will stop at nothing to get this married woman. well, when something is borne from betrayal, deceit, lies, devastation, realistically how do you expect it to end. you have sowed such heartache in your wifes life. your other woman too contributed to your wifes devastation. remember the saying, you reap what you sow. karma has a way of rectifying wrongs in a vicious manner. you both are sowing betrayal, it is only fair that you both reap the rewards of said betrayal as punishment. at least your wife is free from someone like you. she has wasted too much of her life with a cheater. its time for her to move on and for her to find a real man, instead of cheater who thinks nothing of having sex with a married woman in her husbands home. however which way you look at it, an affair by any other name, is still an illicit affair. no fuss, no drama, just plain betrayal.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (26 September 2009):
 Its very simple. If you and the girl of your dreams are so serious about this that in fact, without any doubts remaining, you can't live without each other, then I would say you should try and find a way to be together.
But, the problem here is that you're both married. Your wife is livid (and hurt badly), and your girl's husband and children have no clue about you.
This means if she leaves her husband for you, she will have in effect told him that she loves you more than she loves him; or maybe she never loved him. That leaves two children to deal with.
You're both looking at 2 divorces as well.
My advice is that if YOUR marriage is so bad, then you should just get a divorce and leave your wife alone already. She's the one who got hurt the worst so far.
If you're not married anymore, then that makes you single. And that also makes you available to the woman of your dreams.
If she determines for her self that her marriage isn't that good, then she ought to leave it. But wrecking her home isn't going to make for a good marriage with you either.
There will always be lingering doubts from her kids, and possibly from her about whether she left her marriage for you, or if she wanted to go on her own.
I would say you should wait things out. Get your divorce if your marriage is that rocky. It seems you're the one who's really not happy.
As for the girl of your dreams, she may be perfectly content keeping her marriage and seeing you. In that case you're going to be involved in some sort of extramarital affair. And if you do get involved in that, its much much worse.
There's the possibility she could get caught cheating with you and there'll be high drama for it.
Tread carefully and try and do the right thing instead of the selfish thing.
If you truly love this woman of your dreams, try thinking of her and her family first before you go through with this any further.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009): You don't want to be left in limbo? After all these years, and you want her to rush such a major decision?
She had a perfectly functional marriage, as part of which she brought children into the world. Now you're making her question all that, and threatening to knock the children's world off its axis. Not because of any fault of her husband. Just because you're "in love."
You're already hurt your own wife terribly, again for something that's no fault of hers.
Personally I think you two have done enough damage. Do what's right for everyone concerned -- wish her and her family the best, and disappear from her life forever. She hasn't (quite) physically cheated on her husband yet, even if she has emotionally. Perhaps that leaves them enough to work with to salvage their marriage. You could do that one selfless thing and make a good start to redeeming yourself.
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A
male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (26 September 2009):
Go for it,although i feel sory for the guy that will get hurt,but the fact that you guys still feel like this after all these years,then you are meant to be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009): Am here in South Africa,left the woman of my Dreams when leaving Nigeria to come study,distance made us part ways,its been 5 years, i have a girlfriend here now for 4 years but am so miserable becuase the one i really loved is out there.Although we do speak on the phone and she too is in a relationship but we long to be together again. Basically,i feel your pain cos am in the same situation. Please go for it,we have one life to leave and believe me,you will never be happy with someone else.That is the woman God created specifically for you.Dont miss it.
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