A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey! I am having a really hard time trying to figure out my feelings, so I thought I would ask for the help of those whose judgement is not clouded by emotions! :^)So it's a simple story, old as the sun. I met a fantastic guy on a dating site (the only time I tried it, and he was my first and last date from the web). We got on straight away, and after a couple of dates became inseparable. We would meet every day, he would call me all the time, we would go places, have sleepovers together. This all happened within the space of two weeks. After about a week of knowing each other we decided that we are in a relationship. He told me he is in love with me. On week 2 we decided that we must move in together. He told me he loved me, that he is afraid to lose me, he is afraid of getting hurt again etc etc. You can imagine, I fell head over heels for this guy (who was in my eyes mr perfect). This is the kind of love I have not experienced since being a teenager, and never thought I would again. So now we are about 3 weeks into this love-crazed mess, and I am starting to get cold feet. I am having doubts of whether I am actually the right girl for him, and that he may eventually think that he rushed into this. Sometimes, I get little little doubts in my head like this. As I am starting to slowly take off my rose-tinted glasses, I am beginning to feel afraid that he too isn't as perfect as I first judged him to be (well of course, duh, no one is, but it's still disappointing). And one last thing that seriously got me. He is still active on the dating sites, although he is not meeting anyone, whilst I deleted myself from them immediately after establishing our relationship. This makes me think- is he really truthful about me being 'the one' for him? Is he also unsure but hiding it really well? So, my dear people! Please clear my head for me, because I am in such a torn state that I dont think I can give myself reasonable advice!! What shall I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, shandy88 +, writes (13 March 2013):
I have to disagree with most other posters who have said it will never work, chances are slim to none, because sometimes, granted perhaps not as often, things do work out! I started seeing a guy on a dating site, fell in love after 1 month, living together after 6, engaged after 14 and we'll be married a few days after our 2 year anniversary in August. You have to do what is right for you. By the shear fact that you are even posting on here you're not ready to live with each other, but that doesn't mean that your relationship won't work out in the long term. The main red flag for me would be the fact he hasn't deactivated his account, if he is so head over heels for you as you say he would have done it already without you having to even ask. People are only on there for one thing, a relationship. He says he has found that with you, so why the account? I would be inclined to see whether he closes it of his own accord, if he still hasn't in say 10 days or so, I would say major alarm bells should be ringing! Good luck! X
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): I was in your position last year. I dated a guy for 8 days before deciding to become official, in love after a month, talking about being together forever after a few weeks....It was great! Because he said all the right things and swept me off my feet. It was all just happy and lovely. Then he started lying. And hiding his bad traits. Suddenly I found myself stuck with a guy who was addicted to drugs, failing school, selling his ADHD meds for money, etc. I was crushed!But I realized where I went wrong was not getting to actually KNOW this guy. I figured out pretty quick that we had NONE of the same morals, different goals in life, and heck, we didn't even have the same sense of humor. I realized I was head over heels because he was attractive and charming. Underneath that there was no substance of compatability. Don't let yourself get in that same situation! SLOW DOWN, ask questions, listen to your gut. I really hope it works out for you! I know it's hard but it's so worth slowing down
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): "That on my part, this is one of those romances that burn fast and bright, but not for long"I think you've already gone past the point of no return emotionally and should just go with it. There is nothing wrong with having a very intense short term thing. I've had some and they were great.I disagree that you slow down in any way except the moving in thing. Keep that as a dream OP, that's too much of a practical, physical, financial change and commitment. So hold off on that for a long time OP, really about a year.But don't slow down anything else, keep going with this fiery passion, let yourself get enveloped in this and just enjoy yourself. Just two things OP, one this is going to burn out quickly no matter how slow you make it. It's too late to prevent that, it really is. You dived in head first and now you're in the deep end, you can't just suddenly say "hold on, let me dip my toes in first". So just enjoy it while it lasts.Secondly he could just be using you for sex and saying all these things. You've only known him 2 weeks OP you literally have no way of knowing because you don't know the type of guy he is. When I used to play the game I promised women the world, played on their feelings, swept them up in a whirlwind just for sex. I honestly couldn't believe they were so ready to believe me in everything I said, because it made no sense. What they didn't get OP is if it feels too good to be true, that's you gut saying it is and your gut is never wrong.Enjoy this short term fiery fling OP, just go with it. Don't expect anything long term and you won't be disappointed, this guy could be a wife beater or any other tonnes of bad things, you really don't know anything about him except for the small few things he's said in the haze of all this passion. So again, don't slow this down, you'll just get frustrated and feel restricted, but do exercise caution emotionally and practically.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 March 2013):
 Yeah, unluckily that may be the case. Maybe I am still under the influence of having seen " Anna Karenina " at the cinema ,lol, but .. " crash and burn " is typical of passion. You've got to see what's there underneath passion, if it's just infatuation and wishful thinking, or true love and actual compatibility. Finding it out takes some time, reason for which just even talking of moving in together after all of 3 weeks is premature and teenagerish. Particularly considering that he is active on a dating site ( sorry, but I just cannnot stomach that : " I love you " " you are the one " ... and he is still checking out chicks on a site ? WTF ? ..) As kc100 says, you are old enough to know better. And to realize that that exciting, giddy, butterflies -in-the-stomach sensation that you called love when you were 15 , did not actually amount to much of serious and constructive IRL.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): Like everyone else has told you....SLOW DOWN!Yes, this is a bit over the top...the two of you could not possibly know each other that well (only the surface, good, all happy and roses stuff right now). Absolutely do not move in together and do not rush into getting married...yikes!This man still has dating sites open? That needs to be addressed immediately. When you are in love and in a committed relationship, you do not go and check things out, you delete/close and that's it.Your instincts are telling you something doesn't feel right...it doesn't mean you have to break it off, just have a mature and open discussion about the importance of taking the time to really get to know each other, the good and bad and if it's meant to be...in a year or so, you can revisit all the things your infatuated minds were thinking in those first couple weeks. If this guy is the one, in time you will know. If he is in any way pressuring you or becomes distant when you express the need to slow down a bit...there is something shady going on with him...if he really likes you, he will respect, agree and move forward accordingly without concern.What does this guy do for a living? Does he live on his own? Has he been in any long term relationships before? Is there any lingering bad blood with any exes? There is so much to learn about each other...is he in debt/does he have financial goals, does he have goals in life, like where does he want to be in 5/10 years, does he want a family, does he want to own a home/city life suburban, etc., how does he get along with other people, does he have close friends or family, is he a loner, what happens when you want to spend time with your friends or him with his friends....and so much more... ,make sure this guy is not just telling you what he thinks you want to hear...sloooooooowwwwwww down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, all those who answered! Thanks! Wow, I must say, I did not expect such responses, I think I really have been in a dream world with my eyes closed. By the way, we do not live together yet! Sorry if I made that unclear. He asked me if I would like to live with him as soon as we can manage it (which would be in at least a few months). Also, I don't think I LOVE him, but I definitely feel a passion that I never have before. I understand all your advice, and will try to slow things down/speak to him. I guess it's just hard to put a break on things when you meet mr perfect, as the other guys I have had a relationship with, or have attempted to date don't even compare closely. You know what I'm afraid of the most? That on my part, this is one of those romances that burn fast and bright, but not for long :-(
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reader, LaceratedReality  +, writes (13 March 2013):
Now, unfortunately you cannot be in love after a week, only infatuated. I know infatuation can feel all-consuming but it is not love and it fades.You were so wrapped up in the moment that you rushed in head over heals following your heart, and now your brain is catching up. You have every reason to doubt your judgements because, truthfully, he is still just a stranger and this is all very rushed.Do you have someone else you can stay with? Friends? Family? I suggest you move out, cool off and get to know each other for real. Learn from this experience, and take it slower in the future. :)
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 March 2013):
Oh that's an easy one.
1) Moving in after 3 weeks is way too early, even if the guy was Leonardo da Vinci rolled in with Brad Pitt and a pinch of Gandhi.
2) People in a committed , serious relationship are not active on dating sites. Not even out of so called " curiosisty ". If they are sure they have found the one, they are not curious to know what other women , who'd necessarily be second best, look or act like.
I am not saying he is bulshitting you on purpose, but probably is one of those " act first , think later " kind of guys. Instant gratification. Now, at the 3 weeks mark, it feels good to him to be living together, then if by the 5 or 6 weeks mark it 's less perfect and fun than intended, eh well " things change, shit jappens " and you are out of there.
I won't tell you that you have to ditch him, but you do have to take your time and let a relationship develop normally , it takes the time that it takes. Having strong emotions is not necessarily in contrast with keeping your wits about you and refuse to take important steps on the wave of easy , superficial enthusiasms.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 March 2013):
 Re. the dating sites - once you agree to being in a relationship, and especially when "I love you's" are exchanged then yes you should both remove yourself from the dating sites. The fact he is still on there shows he is still looking at other women, perhaps still talking to them - so he has backup in case things go wrong with you. I would suggest that he is not at all serious about your relationship and is not committed yet, he is waiting to see what else is out there and if there is a girl on the dating site he likes more than you he could easily go off with her.
As for the rest of it - you are old enough to know better to be honest. I think you have somehow regressed to the mentality of a 15 year old since you have met this guy, and have acted recklessly and irresponsibly. At 22-25 you should know that you cannot be in love after a week, that you cannot be seriously considering moving in after 2 weeks and that all of this is utter nonsense.
If you want to give this guy a chance and see what happens, then you need to do 2 things:
1. Talk to him about the dating sites. Explain that once you had agreed to be in a relationship, you deleted your profile from the dating site and you expected the same to happen from him, so you are very disappointed he is not taking your relationship seriously and he is still looking at other women. Tell him (and make this very clear) that if he wants to be with you he has to be with you 100%, and that means no more dating sites and no more looking at/talking to other women online.
2. SLOW THE HELL DOWN. You are not in love, love is not possible after 1 week because you hardly know this man. He is little more than a stranger to you after 3 weeks, even if you have spent every day together for the last 3 weeks you have still only seen him 21 times, you have probably seen your postman more times than that! Stop rushing and being childish, remember how old you are and that you are not in fact 15 anymore, and that you cannot be silly about serious things like love and relationships.
Stop telling him that you love him, and ask him not to say it to you either. Tell him that you both have rushed this and it has gotten out of control, and you need to slow down and really get to know each other. Tell him that you dont want to break up, and you are still really excited about the future with him, but you just need to slow down a bit and stop rushing the relationship.
Dont see each other every day, it is important to have a few days per week where you spend time apart so you miss each other and experience that excited feeling when you are going to see him for the first time in a few days.
Stop thinking about moving in together and definitely dont allow him to talk about that either. That should be a conversation you have when you have been together around a year and know that you want to spend the rest of your lives together. So put this idea on the backburner for now, and just enjoy dating each other. This is the early stages of the relationship, it should be lots of fun dates, staying up late into the night talking....all that kind of good stuff. There is no need to get so serious so quickly, there is no harm in simply enjoying each other's company and having fun together.
Please try and slow this down, keep reminding yourself that you are in fact an adult and you need to be a bit more sensible about relationships, you cant possibly love someone when you hardly know them.
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