A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyoneThey say life is a repeat, and I know that what I need advice on is a very common topic.Im in an interacial relationship with a woman that i am in love with. The good news is, she's in love with me too. The hard part is, her parents don't want her dating a man of african american descent. Since she's still living with them as she attends college, she feels she can't say anything to them about me, because they will kick her out of the house for defying their wishes. In other words, they pay for everything lol. We talked earlier as she was in tears because she says she really cares about me and doesnt want to lose me over that nonsense. I dont know what to do. I love her, but I wouldn't dream of breaking the relationship she has with her family or put her education and dreams on the line because of me. Eventually, they will find out about me, and i've never been the type to be the "dirty little secret." Any advice? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (25 August 2010):
 You know how people say 'the more things change, the more they stay the same'. Well this subject echoes that feeling. You want to be with the daughter of somewhat racist parents. It's not right, but it is extremely common for people on this side of the fence.
There is only so much that you can actually do to alter the situation. Her parents are in pole position, and will have a major influence over your girlfriend. Dating in secret makes things worse, because the truth always finds a way to come out. It is down to her, to tell her parents the truth. She has to say that she loves a black man. They will either accept her feelings, or threaten to disown her because of them. Her parents are this way because of their own experiences, or beacuse their parents brought them up to be racist. In many cases, people are either unable or unwilling to look beyond skin colour to see the person inside.
They will also have nightmares about their daughter indulging in inter-racial sex, mixed race children, and what the rest of the family will think, if their daughter brings home a black man. I can see the wringing of hands and hear the anguished cries. 'What did we do wrong? How did we raise a daughter who loves a black man? What sort of girl is she?'
I have had many many experiences like yours, and even though mine were in the late 70's and 80's in England. I have been chased by a shotgun wielding catholic Italian father, beaten with sticks and bars by family members, and arrested for allowing a father and brother to use my head like a soccer ball. It may be 2010, with Obama in the hot seat, but it appears that not much is different anywhere. Be very careful.
Work with your girlfriend. Is there a connection that you can make with her father? Does he like football? Cars? Baseball? Horses? He will have a passion for something. You need to get them talking to YOU, not to their imagined stereotype. Then in time, they may accept you for the person you are. They may not.
Remember that blood is thicker than water, almost always. Best of luck.
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