A
male
age
41-50,
*hatwomanwant35
writes:Here are the basics in order to fully understand my feelings about this situation: I am a 35 yr old male and she is 34. We have been in a committed relationship for a year now. We have a what we call "remarkable" relationship that truthfully has been on both sides, truthful, compassionate, understanding all while remaining secure about ourselves (no jealousy). This has been such a different (in a great different way) relationship that has had it's obstacles just like so many others for example. It took her a while to realize and come to terms with the fact that she has someone (me) in her life that actually does care about here as a person and not as a well....piece of ass so to speak (my apologies for the grammar).Also for her to realize that there is someone out there that will take the time to ask her how she is doing, applaud her and remind her of how beautiful she is, someone who smiles out of pure joy and love when one of her little quirks becomes apparent (quirks that in relationships prior, would have been classified as something of annoyance etc) you get the idea.I love everything about this woman, I mean everything, including her young 6yr old boy whom of which calls me dad and also whom of which has been a blessing to get to know and mentor and have a part of my life. All along she says and feels the same about me, as I do about her. Ok here is just a brief something about her past leading up to meeting me for the first time. -At age 16 she was on one occasion subjected to inappropriate behaviour.-Age 18-26 drank heavily on and off.-Age 29-32 became addicted to sexting, exploiting herself and establishing quick, meaningless relationships (some that were sexual). All of which was a direct reflection of her establishing in her own mind that this is what her body and herself as a woman. This sexting thing stopped abruptly upon dating me because I helped her become self aware as to the problem/addiction she was facing. This led her to a complete and wonderful understanding of herself as a woman and a mother. Ok, now for what I am having a problem with. This has only happened about 3 times since I have been in love and committed to her but for some reason it has an immediate mental impact on me where I do display a bit of disgust and emotional torture or malfunction. So just yesterday we spent the entire day with each-other starting with cooking and eating breakfast together, shopping for xmas gifts, had lunch at a place I have wanted to take her at forever and this whole time we were being silly as we normally are and just really enjoying every ounce and second of one another (can't ever seem to keep our hands off each-other). We did all this prior to having to go back to work in the evening. Anyway, we had relentlessly talked about getting it on throughout the day and even looked at her "flower calendar" and decided today was the perfect day to try and well...make a baby :) We arrived home about 2hrs before she had to go to work. All her work cloths were clean and ready to go, she had leftovers from lunch to take to work, so we were going over the gifts we purchased while we were in our bedroom and one thing led to another and she said she wanted me and I said I wanted her.......After a brief moment it seemed as though her mind was preoccupied and she starred into one area of the room and when I stopped and asked if everything was ok, she said " YEAH, ITS FINE, JUST HURRY AND FINISH" Call me a bit of an oldschool romantic but that immediately made me put my clothes on and exit the room feeling quite disgusted like I was a one-night sexual fling in which she had to sexual expectations with, like she didn't like the idea or even want to have sex with me but because she could tell I did, she just said ok, get in and get out. This is how I took it but I know she did NOT mean for me to take it that way at all. Anyways, upon exiting the room, I stated that "wow, that was awkward" and then we kinda did the whole go to your own corner of the house and be by yourself thing, then upon passing her in the bathroom, I stated that she made me feel like some kind of one night meaningless ^^^^ buddy and that I felt like leaving. She of course replied with a defense of something like: "Well I am sorry you don't like having sex with me" and then she stormed out for work. When I said I wanted to leave, it was for a walk to really think about my emotions and actions based upon what I said (which I should have done way way before I actually blurted out such mean and belittling words, I know this). I would never truly or intentionally cause here harm verbally or in any other way for that matter, EVER! So what should I do? Am I right to have felt this way upon her stating those words that way? Or do I maybe posses a little bit of insecurities based on her past where I cannot differentiate the fact that maybe I was still in the mood and she was in fact now in going to work mode, so she thought she was simply providing her hubby with a kind favor of "finishing" before she was off to work all night long? My apologies for the length of post, but I feel that when stating all the facts, scenarios, situations, etc... you can expect a good and honest opinion or answer.
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her past, in the mood, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2017):
 It would upset me if my partner said that to me. Off course you are not going to carry on after a comment like that, it would dent any bodies confidence. She may have been in a rush as she had work, only she has the answers.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): I think you're being too sensitive. If this isn't a typical/ frequent event, she may have just been stressed or needed to do something else. What are you doing to get her aroused?? It's really hard for women to finish from penetration, so she may have just been frustrated that she wasn't getting pleasures while you were taking your time. Also- you really don't need to be making a baby right now. That baby deserves a stable home and it doesn't sound like either of you are at a place to provide it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): Well my question is, did she feel she was about to be late for work when she made that remark? You mention that she had to get ready right after. That could cause understandable stress that she was going to lose her job because you guys were f*ing too long. I think she owed you an explanation for why she said that though. Yes stress and real life are distracting. You need to ask her why she said that and if she enjoys sex wih you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 December 2016):
 Truthfully? You're a very understanding guy, but now's NOT the time to "eggshell" around her past baggage. What she said was really hurtful to you, and you are owed an explanation about what happened.
Before that though - After knowing her only a year and knowing her tumultuous past, you're moving to the "Make a baby" stage in the relationship?? Isn't that LIGHTNING fast?? She may not even be ready! You don't have a kid of your own, but she does. That's a huge cost.
You need to sit down with her and talk it out. No if's, and's, or buts. Don't go assuming or dragging her past into it. You need to say "We have a relationship, so we need a real and honest conversation. What you really did hurt me. Don't cop out with some stupid quip and a walkout. We're worth more to each other than that."
Let us know what she said.
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (25 December 2016):
First of all ,i can quiet understand how you must have had strong feelings over her remarks.[which i am sure they were not directed at you]As she stared into space, she must have had a flash back to her past,and her unhappy sexual encounters with other men.Also as you stated she had a bad experience when she was 16,this would leave a mental scar,which is very easily opened.Do you know did she receive any counselling after this situation ? If not ,she would need counselling now the sooner the better,to help her and you on this level.You and this lady have a wonderful relationship,but even the best of relationships need a helping when there are problems from the past.Keep talking,keep loving.Because she is blesssed to have such a loving man.Counselling,understanding and time will sort this out.Kinds regards NORA B.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 December 2016):
 Wow, I can't imagine many people, male or female, who, when in a committed relationship, wouldn't have felt that sort of comment was out of order. I can totally understand why you felt like a f**k buddy. Firstly, I think you need to put trying for a baby on hold. Seriously. Babies put a strain on the strongest of relationships and yours is a long way off strong yet. A year is really too short a time to be thinking about bringing another life into the relationship. If you can't trust her to use contraception, then you need to be responsible and do it. It sounds like she may have issues from her past which she hasn't resolved yet. This is not just her problem but yours as well, as it has repercussions on your relationship and the way she treats you. Just as an aside, I think it is not a good idea to have the son of someone you have known for a year to be calling you "dad". Where is his biological father? Think how he will feel if you and his mother split up. It always makes me cringe when children call their parent's new partners "mum" or "dad" before the relationship gets onto a firm footing.
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