A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,My problem is about my mother, who has very poor communication skills, even in languages that she's really good at. It might be silly but creates big problems mainly because after not having communicated to us properly, she will turn the blame on us saying the standard "I told you to do it, why didn't you?" or "You are irresponsible" and then she would make faces or crib on and on. When ask "When did you tell me?" She'll say " I told you while you were asleep" or "I told you when I was leaving the house" (while I was on a different floor altogether. It might be funny to watch these kind of miscommunications on a sitcom. But in real life, how do I get her to understand that she has a huge issue, first of all not telling properly and secondly blaming it on the other person?If I sit down and explain to her she creates emotional drama and blackmail saying stuff like "Oh yeah I am a horrible mom" "Oh yes I am very dumb and don't know how to communicate alright? that's why I am so successful." (she's very proud of her knowledge in the field she works in and equates that to being successful)She does this to people at home and also has had easily avoidable people related issues at work. She wants people to take her crap and never wants to talk things out because the moment we start to sit down and talk she will get all closed and sarcastic. I also get the vibe that she feels too egotistic to take any advice or even feedback from me because I am younger and she is supposed to be the "I-know-everything- I'm older- and experienced person!"Honestly, sometimes I feel like she's purposely blaming me or my father or other family members because she expects herself to be treated as perfect and angelic - someone who can never commit mistakes. Sometimes she boasts about how she has spiritual powers because 'god' tells her to do things 'through' her mind (lol) and she saw the god/felt his presence in some part of the house (oh of course because she's a pure soul and we are all dirty muck committing sins and mistakes). I am just seeing some connection between her skewed perception about herself being perfect and brushing away any communication or behavioral mistakes she makes. Sometimes she is literally mean to me or any other family member, chiding them on and on. At some level this is becoming more of a behavioral issue upon being just miscommunication. How can anyone say "I told you when you were asleep. why didn't you do it?" Should I just say "yeah I did it. In my dream."??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): So...it sounds like she responds basically like how a toddler would! I think it'd be impossible to talk to soemone like that. I'd say confront her, but just simply tell her every time she's immature you can't respond. Tell her you just want and need her to be open and honest. It's also possible she could be in menopause now, I've heard of women srsly causing drama when they went into menopause. Either way, she needs to handle things...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2016): I really should be attending to entertaining family for the Holidays; but I just couldn't resist this.
This is so typical of mother and teen/adult-daughter relationships. It is so universal. The conflict starts as soon as a mom realizes her daughter is now a young woman; and can now see her own mother's flaws, mistakes,and imperfections as a woman.
Her child no longer takes anyone on word alone, and has her own opinion. The child is no longer obedient; but willful and questions everything. Even able to tell her mother when she's wrong. So mom loads her guns and goes into bitch-mode.
Tough for a mother to take, she fears losing respect and being placed out to pasture. Her job is done, and no one needs her anymore. If dad is the unresponsive passive-type, it only ads to the madness. She pushed and labored you to birth, while dad just stood there. She stayed up with fevers, cleaned diapers, and mopped spit-up; and now her daughter will not listen to anything she says. Dad just sits around expecting things to happen; and barely lifting a finger. He's a man, and just another handful. If not another child. Being a husband and being a father are different calls of duty. They aren't entirely the same face.
Your mother is a little bit of a narcissist, with sprinkles of passive-aggression. She over-emphasizes her accomplishments and strengths; because now everybody talks back. She is a woman from a time when women aren't taken as seriously as they are today.
She also lives in a country and in a culture that women have to be over-achievers in order to gain respect professionally from men; and even have to maintain that some face, when she goes home to her husband and family. Aw, she's just mom. That crazy lady that just gets on my nerves. Well, she raised you as a teenager, and that's part of the reason why, right there! She has dealt with you, nosy prying relatives, her interfering-parents, and society. She has her flaws, and so do you. Wait until you have a daughter your age, she will lay them out on the table for you.
Your mother has some quirks and eccentricities. She has a unique personality uncommon in the world of motherhood. Some moms are just, well...for loss of a better word, bitchy.
Some mothers are bossy, rarely listen, and sometimes they bully. Sometimes it's their personality, sometimes they are driven to it.
All you have to do is rewind and see what she went through as a girl, a young wife, and becoming a mother. You will see what designed her into what she is today.
Always respond with respect; but don't just back-down, because she throws a hissy-fit or pulls the "I'm your mother" card. "All due respect mother, I didn't hear you the first time. Sorry about that; but please ask me if I heard you, and let me confirm before accusing me of not listening. Maybe I was distracted at the time; or you had your back turned, and I wasn't close enough to hear you. It gives her some respect and wiggle-room knowing full well she is wrong. But she's mom, what can we do? She has her ways!
We all get a little messy and off-track in our domestic life, after we put all we've got into our jobs. Your mind gets used to multi-tasking. You get scatter-brained, and your concentration goes a little haywire. To those around you, you look like a crackpot.
She isn't very social, is more comfortable being functional than outgoing. It's too late to change that now.
It is in the Book of Motherhood, to tell your daughter she is not the wonder-child mom used to be, and the fem-fatal she is now. She always listened to her mother, she married the right man, and she is God's gift to motherhood. They need these affirmations, my dear. They battled their way through times you never knew. She puts up with a side of your father that you don't, and she has secrets she will never share with you. She will burden you with guilt, insist you don't work hard enough, or can't do anything right. She's mother, she's got scars, mother's rights to bear arms, and you will inherit those same scars and traits when you become a mother. You will have an epiphany and that "Aha!" moment during motherhood; and suddenly understand why she is so "cre cre!"
No, all moms aren't sweet doting saints. They all read that Mother's Manual, and they have their own interpretations of what being a mother is. You got the tough version; which means you may turn-out a lot like her. Or, you already are.
Be strong, and also be patient. She is too old to change, and underneath all of her harshness; she loves you to your bone marrow. She is who she is, life molded her like she is. But when she is loving; can you think of any arms you'd rather hold you when your heart is broken, or you are in despair?
You're grown-up now. She has to get used to that fact. You are not talking back, unless you are disrespectful and nasty in your tone. That does make a difference when you disagree with your parents. Stand your ground, correct with politeness, and learn when she is being your coach and teacher; because she has the toughest job in the world. Loving and teaching, but never always appreciated.
Trust me, as much as she gets on your nerves and drives you mad. You will miss her like crazy when she's gone! All this nonsense now, will become fond memories of the craziest woman you've ever loved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2016): A lot of people will be just as irritated with their mothers funny ways as you are with yours.
The problem with mums is that they are essential at the start of life and they bestow all the love and affection they can on their offspring unless circumstances or personal experience prevents it.
I think it is delightful that dads take as much responsibility for nuturing these days as the mums but thats another issue.
As we grow older we become acutely aware that not all adults are right but they dont like to admit that to their juniors.
Royalty used to assume that they had a godly right to say or do whatever they wanted and they made so many mistakes on account of that attitude that people soon realised it was another grand hoax.
These days royals talk of doing their duty! They no longer claim a divine right to anything and maybe your mum could be coerced more into her duty to do something rather than her God given right.
So you could say to her "Its your duty to give me a clear message rather than flinging a couple of words over your shoulder as you leave the house."
If you persist in the importance of her duty she might understand the importance of what you are saying.
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A
female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986  +, writes (25 December 2016):
Hi I think your mother and you need to follow the commutation skills with eachother. Tell her how much she is hurting your feelings by saying you are irresponsible. And when your are asleep you can't hear what she said also. Just stick your head out the bedroom door and tell her you would get it when are up. I hope you have a great Christmas and don't worried about what she says to you at all.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 December 2016):
 I feel your pain, I really do. However, I think this is one of those situations where you cannot control how your mother acts but your real power lies in controlling how you react to her. You can choose to take it to heart and get upset by it, or you can choose to brush it aside, think to yourself "here she goes again" and ignore her when she is creating a drama. This will have the double effect of not only stopping you getting upset but also doesn't give your mother the attention she sounds to thrive on.
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