A
male
age
41-50,
*obandy
writes:Hello. To cut to the chase, I was dating my girlfriend for almost a year. Since our first date, I could tell that we had something. I don't think we rushed in to it, yet we were talking about marriage and kids after a month. We clicked. She was nice and supportive and she helped me get past some hurdles in my life. She was true and unconditional. I had evolved past wanting perfect physical beauty to recognize something better. I had been through many relationships and I knew, above all, that she truly did love me.The only problem, of course, was me. Even though I am maturing with age, I am still capable of venting my anger to a loved one from time to time in the form of verbal abuse. I realize that I have to attack this problem at the source by eliminating the causes, and I am slowly doing that while improving my self esteem. Our relationship ended with my last phone yelling routine, with her telling me that she had "had enough".I have to add that I was acting "meaner than normal" in the latter part of our relationship. I started to think that I was settling for her or that I could do better. It wasn't just all the beautiful girls in the world; I started to think that we were on different levels. Sometimes I would want to discuss issues about the world or our relationship that were important to me, and she would listen most of the time, but I could tell that she would rather gossip about her coworkers or talk about something else after a while. I admit that I do not care about such differences we had. I was being too picky. We did get along great most of the time and shared everything. I also admit that some of my relationship issues were "picky" as well, like the fact that one could not dare to question or stand up to any of her family members. I understand the importance of family, but it was like she was still in their protective bubble. She stayed over at my place many nights of a week, but still lived with her parents rent-free at the age of 29. (I am 32). My question is about what to do now. The breakup happened only 3 weeks ago, and of course, we are still in love with each other. I have tried my best to leave her alone and not bug her. She, on the other hand, had contacted me 7 or 8 times. Sometimes she would start a chat to see how I was doing, but I could tell by her "have you gotten laid yet" questions, that she still had and has feelings for me. One Saturday night she sent me a text half drunk asking similar things. I realize that we both were dealing with the loss of a friend and lover. After a while, I started to ask her to stop contacting me and to let me grieve and move on. I was polite, yet after a few requests on separate occasions, she started to become annoyed and sent text replies like "ok bye non-friend". Once I sent her flowers and a nice letter that shared my feelings on the situation instead of begging for her to come back. She thanked me for it but told me not waste my money on her. I think that it was reasonable to ask her to leave me alone. I told her many times that if she wanted me back, then all she has to do is pick up the phone. I told her that I was sorry and that I had learned my lesson. Despite my constant requests to leave me be, she still contacts me and I get the false hope. That would be fine except I specifically asked her not to do it. She has done it 4 or 5 times. I even told her that when she does this, she gives me false hope that teases me. It was like she was ignoring my feelings, and contacted me when she was really missing me, despite support from friends and family. She admitted that it was hard for her and that she was "screwed up" because of it, and even that she was thinking about moving away. (I doubt it). She also admitted that she had kept changing her mind about us and that she thought that I would never change. Our last contact was Friday night, when she popped up out of the blue online again. She said that she was wondering how I was doing and asked a few questions. She told me that she had no one in her life and I told her the same, but its been only three weeks. When I started talking about our relationship in a kind and analytical manner, she kept repeating that she’s “moving on”. I would have normally been nice and polite as we chatted, but I had just finished reading an online article called “Woman do not like Wusses”, so of course I started to stand up for myself and an argument ensued. I told her that I can take care of myself and that I am over her and kept trying to cut the conversation short in a nice way. It didn’t end well. I sent her a text the next day saying “despite what was said, I do love you”. What I am most worried about is that our great thing will go away. I know she loves me as much as I love her, but I fear that because she has spilled the story to her close-net family/friend network, she has doomed us. I fear that trying to get her back will only push her further away and make me seem desperate. I fear that not trying will extinguish the love she has for me and the little hope she has for us. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, peaches83  +, writes (5 November 2007):
 Its a hard one.
By the way that she is constantly contacting you and "changing her mind" i think it comes across to me that she likes to be in control. She is keeping you hanging at her beck and call. She hasnt respected your wishes to be left alone to deal with things in your own way.
Now i may be completly wrong but this is what i am getting from your letter.
You say you have anger issues are these resulting from things in the past?
If so does she understand?
If this is the case, then maybe some help with that a counselor maybe? Or if this is not you maybe trying to write the things that have happened to you in a book like thing.
I had a very rough child hood with lots of abuse etc and even though seeing a shrink helped a little there is only so much they can do, I wrote it all in a book. It helped a lot maybe this could for you.
I think she needs to give you the space that you have requested but you are in a way encouraging her by replying to her txts and speacking to her on line.
Cut all forms of contact, if she txts, dont reply, if she speaks to you on line, just simply say you wish not to talk and either log off or ignore her. It may sound harsh but it will give her the message that you are not a walk over and that you are in control of yourself and when you say yu need time you mean it.
If when you have sorted your head out she is still txting etc and you know that it is her that you want then go for it.
I hope this helps, please if you need to talk contact me.
Peaches
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