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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: This is the very WORST day of my life! I have no idea how I will ever get through this. I was already diagnosed with severe depression. And now THIS!I have been married for 8 years to my love. It has been a good relationship except form the past year when he has been acting strange. I let it slide because I figured he was just going through some challenges at work during that time, which he was. But you know that thing they call women's intuition? Well, I had it and it just wouldn't let me be. His work life has stabilized but I still felt something was off. His friend whom I will call Gary moved into our city about a year ago. He is an old college roommate of my husband. Gary works for the same company as my husband. They found each other on Facebook and my husband invited him to apply for a management position, which he has since left and took a job at another company.He started playing sports with Gary, resuming their old friendship, and doing guy things, but then Covid happened and they did not see each other at all for months, until recently. Just today my husband went to Gary's and was gone for 5 hours visiting him. I know everybody here will hang me for snooping but I don't think I could continue with these feelings without confirmation. But I put a small pen in his bag. He takes his bag everywhere. It was a listening device.My husband got home and seemed unusually tired. I wondered why. I asked him and he said he wasn't. Although as his wife, I KNOW HIM. And that look he had was an after sex tired. Know what I mean?My husband went off to watch Neflix as usual. I removed the pen from the bag and went for a walk.I wish I did not hear what I heard. It caused me to almost walk into traffic for how distraught I was.I heard my husband in a sex act with another man. I assume it was Gary. I didn't listen for long. I could not stand it.I went inside and confronted him immediately. My husband had no recourse but to tell the truth. I had it on tape! He admitted it. I found out that he had sex with Gary on occasion. Maybe once every two months. It was not a regular thing. He tried to minimize it by saying it did not happen often. And that is supposed to make me feel better? How about the fact it happened at all? Even once is bad enough. I had always tried to stimulate his prostate because I know he loved the sensation. I gave him a prostate orgasm once and he felt it all over his body. I was happy to do that for him. To see him rise to such levels of pleasure made me feel good. But for some reason, he did not want me doing it so much anymore. I always was ready to oblige and to please him. But he kept saying how he wasn't interested in anal or anal play. But he loved it the one time. I even offered to buy toys to massage his prostate to bring him to orgasm. Even to use a strap on. But he seemed uninterested.So, NOW I find out Gary has been putting his penis up my husband's butt and giving him a prostate orgasm???? My husband said it was PURE SEX. Only about the pleasure of the orgasm. That there are no feelings for Gary and no attraction, emotional or even physical. He said he only wanted the orgasm. I guess a man knows better than I do how to make him happy!? He said he loves me. He is attracted to my body. He is emotionally connected to me. He wants to be in relationship with me. He said he has no interest in cuddling with Gary or kissing Gary or being affectionate with Gary. It was just physical. But I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS!!! What does that mean? Can anyone help me make sense of this?Aunts and Uncles, I am totally GUTTED right now. I feel like nothing. I feel so worthless. And unloved. And useless. And betrayed. I love this man. But I am so hurt and disgusted by him right now. I have nothing against gay sex but he did this as a married man. He was committed to his wife. And he stepped out on me. That is cruel. Even if it was with a woman, it would be cruel. But it so happens to be Gary in this case.I don't think he loves me to do this to me. It is such a put down. I asked him to spend some time with me this afternoon as we both had time off. He said he would leave Gary's early. But he ended up staying there all afternoon, and I felt ignored. We have not been seeing each other a lot the past few weeks due to conflicting work schedules. We had a few hours this afternoon and he chose to spend it with GARY!!! With Gary's cock up his ass!!! 5 HOURS?????I do not know how I am ever going to get over this. I want nothing to do with my husband right now. I do not want him touching me. The sight of him disgusts me.I am now over the edge. I have been suffered a health blow lately. I had cancer and thank God it did not spread. It is all gone. And then I was diagnosed with severe depression. NOW THIS. I fear this is going to send me into a downward spiral. I feel like I am going to have a breakdown. I told my husband to leave and not come back. Feeling so alone right now.I am desperately in need of somebody to listen, and to help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2020): I am so very sorry! This is too fresh for words to console you; but I'm glad we're here for you. You needed a place to vent, and just expressing your anger and pain in writing is therapeutic. I vented here when I got blind-sighted and dumped. I didn't ask for advice; I just needed to let it all out; until I could sort things out.
The discovery of all this and the betrayal of your trust would send shock-waves through anybody. There aren't any words that can be said that will ease the pain; you have to first absorb the shock. If you feel yourself spiraling into depression, contact your doctor for an appointment immediately!!! Do not wait! Do not miss the appointment...GO!!!
I can only imagine how profoundly devastating this is for you. You're still a young couple and this is too much to handle considering this wasn't another woman...but another man! You have to give yourself a chance to catch your breath, you just got the wind knocked out of you.
If you can book yourself a nice hotel room or a suite for a day or two; I would recommend that you get out of that house. You don't need to be left alone there; you need to change the scenery around you. You need to remove yourself from your house-confinement. You will only find yourself visualizing and becoming all the more enraged. You need peace and comfort around you; in a different setting. Being home alone will add to your depression. I would image you can't speak to anyone about this just yet; but I think you need to avoid contact with your husband, until you regain some modicum of composure. A nice room away from your familiar surroundings might help.
Popping pills or drinking alcohol may not be helpful at the moment; but you definitely need to talk to your therapist, if you've got one. You need to tell someone professional face to face what you've experienced; and you need to say it aloud. Coming here is a very good start. I would also recommend that you vent as much as you like. You will feel relief getting most of it off your chest, and out of your head. I did!
This isn't the usual kind of betrayal, it's the unexpected and the totally unbelievable for a wife who loves her husband. There is little he can say that will not hurt you more and more. For now, save talking until you've gotten your head around all this. I suggest you don't hesitate to set-up a doctor's appointment to check your blood-pressure; and perhaps you could use a mild sedative or sleeping-aid. Nothing strong or habit-forming...say that specifically! If you go-in full-on drama, you'll end-up with an elephant-tranquilizer; and I feel uncomfortable about people being prescribed strong drugs when they're in your frame of mind. I know a doctor will know better; but sometimes people convince their doctors to prescribe very strong medication when it really isn't necessary. They just need to take a chill-pill, and get a grip!
Take my suggestion of a comfy room with a view. You need some time to meditate and sort-out your feelings until you're able to make some decisions. Talk to a friend, but I don't suggest revealing this to others too soon. Get your head right first. Write some more, and express your anger, get it all out. We'll be right here, my dear!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2020): I'm so sorry you are going through this ordeal. What is happening right now is grieving. You are grieving the death of your relationship and the image you had of your husband.You need to go straight through it. There's no going around it. I know it doesn't help much, but your husband lied to you about his sexuality. That's a big one. He was not whom he projected himself to be. So, you were in love with a person he invented not who he really was. In that sense it IS important with whom he was having sex with.You cannot blame him for being bisexual or gay. But he did lie about it to make (himself and) you believe in this projection he made. You need support. If you can afford, please find a good therapist. Cancer alone would be a reason enough to seek this kind of help and then came depression AND this betrayal by your husband. You need a lawyer too. Have you told your family and your friends? You need people you can trust. DOn't go through this alone unless you absolutely have to.I don't know if he loves you or not, but he sure does love himself. What he did was exclusively self-serving. Remind yourself of who he really is. It helps.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 October 2020):
 Yikes, OP!
I'm sorry. I have to agree with Code Warrior that it doesn't matter if he cheated on you with a guy or a woman, but... to an extend we (women) know that there is just no way we can compete (in a sense) with a man (sexually and socially).
You husband wanted his cake and eat it too. He wanted the "normal life" of having a wife and the guy on the side. I don't think it is just sex. He's know this guy for WAY to long for it to be JUST about the sex. Maybe that is how he tries to explain it but, if it was just sex, it could have been with any Tom, Dick or Harry. Even if he is capable if separating sex from feelings.
He cheated on you, THAT is not a reflection of you. But a reflection of your husband. Don't take responsibility for HIS choices and actions!
I would suggest you do two thing, 1. find a therapist so you won't spiral - be proactive and 2. Find a good divorce lawyer.
You have beat cancer, you can beat this too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2020): I would like to know what purpose writing to the agony aunts here is serving? You ramble on and go off on tangents about how awful being cheated on was. Do you think that you are the only person in the World that has ever been cheated on?You said that your husband started to change about a year ago. You said his friend Gary moved into the area a year ago. BINGO. Can you not see, it only took me three seconds, to join the dots, one caused the other. If it had not been Gary it would have been some other man and taken longer but same result. Better to know now.You are very very dramatic and shouting and raving about what happened instead of being sensible and taking control.It does not matter whether hubby cheats with an ugly old man, a film star, a tart or the next door neighbour. Cheating is cheating. Now you do the grown up thing and decide what you want to do. You kicked him out . Now what. You some very dramatic as if you enjoy the drama. No point to listening to him apologising and promising not to do it again - he will.With or without Gary. No good moaning and nagging. It will not change that. If a man can have what he thinks is great sex without any obstacles he does. And more often than not he does not care if it upsets you or worries you. Because his "needs" come first. If he can he will lie to you about it,if he can he will make promises to shut you up.I am very sorry that you had cancer and depression is awful. But you must treat this as a separate thing which you take control of, otherwise this will be bigger and worse than it needs to be.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (2 October 2020):
 Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry. Cheating is cheating and it always hits us hard. For your husband to try to dismiss his sex sessions with his friend as "just sex" makes it even worse in my eyes, as I would be asking why he put a marriage in jeopardy for "just sex".
Most men seem to be able to separate sex from love/affection a lot easier than most women, which is what he is doing here.
Not that you know, you cannot unknow/turn back the clock. It is there. Your husband has been cheating.
Give yourself a few days. Don't rush into anything as a knee jerk reaction to what you discovered. Regardless of your feelings towards your husband at the moment, you two do need to talk, even if it is only about how you are going to end your marriage in a civilised way.
I am so sorry again for what you are going through. I wish I had words to help you dig deep for the inner strength we only find we have in times of great crisis. This too will pass in time. Please stay strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2020): He's cheated on you and continuing too it's time to bring out the ultimatum and say me or him or file for divorce. You have to do what's right for your mental health and physical health and he's making it worst. Do not let this go on anymore. Make a decision and stick with it or you will be walked all over. He's not showing respect to you.
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