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anonymous
writes: I am moving in my my boyfriend in 2 weeks, I have 2 children from a previous relationship and he also has 2 children that live with their mother. Until today I had never even considered that he might still have feelings for his ex but it dawned on me about an hour ago that he would never have split up with her if she hadn't had an affair. I know that when you have had long term relationships, especially when you've had kids, that there will always be some sort of feeling there but I'm worried that I'm just a substitute for her. I have been mistaken for her twice and I have also been mistaken for a girl that he was seeing after he split up with the mother of his kids. I have been told that they look a lot alike also. Moving in with this guy is a big thing and I don't want to make a mistake seeing as I am moving 300 miles to live with him. He always talks about his ex girlfriend and it makes me feel uncomfortable. He said he doesn't like her, but you can still love someone even when you don't like them. What should I do???
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affair, ex girlfriend, his ex, split up Reply to this Question
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reader, carla +, writes (3 June 2005):
Sounds like he's trying to hold onto his past. Talk to him and if things don't go your way then break up with him.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (2 June 2005):
 Find out exactly what he is feeling and thinking before you make the move.Explain to him that you feel somewhat uncomfortable when he talks about his ex girlfriend. Explain that you don't wish to be a substitute for her and that you are worried about this.Express that what you are doing is a very big thing for both you and your kids and that you want to be sure.Basically, tell him what you have said in your letter and listen to his response.He may just have a certain taste in women which would be reflected in you looking like his previous girl-friends. However, this could also trigger some uneasy feelings as everyone is an individual.Perhaps he wouldn't have left his ex if she hadn't had an affair but the fact is that she did. She showed herself to be untrustworthy and she didn't respect him. These are qualities that he wouldn't want in a long-term partner so she hasn't lived up to his expectations in that sense.You need to discover exactly what he does feel. I hope he will be honest with himself and you. Only then, when your doubts are really minimised (there will always be a risk involved) will you feel certain about making this move.Good luck.
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reader, kitty +, writes (2 June 2005):
I have to say I don't think you need to worry. In life it is human nature to be attracted to those with similar traits,therefore if you are similar to your boyfriend's last partner I'm sure it's not through a conscious decision he has made. I'm sure many people whose relationship has ended due to an affair would say if the affair had never happened they may well still be together. This is just a what if.., and there is no point basing your life around it. If you love this man and he loves you go for it and try to put your insecurities behind you. good luck.x
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