A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I have now been living with my fiance but she was previous married with 3 kids and still going through her divorce. The problem is she sometimes goes into shut out mode and I know something's up so I ask. She tells me shes just thinking and feeling sorry for her ex. You can imagine what happened bang my heart went thump. Surly she not meant to be thinking about him like this. The excuse is that she has had 18 years and 3 kids with him. He was a nasty bloke. And she had took him back twice before. So yes im worried. Am I stupid to be worried or not and how am I to get through this. Please help as I love her with my heart and soul and this is ripping me apart inside.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 August 2012):
 I'm sorry but you have almost invited this upon yourself - how on earth has this relationship moved so fast that you live with a woman (and are engaged to her) when she isnt divorced yet?
You have moved WAY too fast and have not allowed her time to get over her ex, you should never have moved in with someone when she is not yet divorced because she simply is not ready. A divorce is a HUGE deal, and it is a long and painful process that takes time to get over.
By agreeing to live with you and marry you she has no idea what she is doing, life is probably a bit of a blur for her at the moment and she was probably just thankful that she has someone around to support her in this troubled time. But that is the problem here - it looks like you have become the support structure rather than the person she is madly in love with.
She has never had chance to get over the father of her children and the man she has loved for 18 years, instead she threw herself into a new relationship and rushed everything just because she was hurting from the break up and probably afraid of being alone. So you can never be the one she truly loves when she has never really gotten over the last relationship. 18 years is a very long time, and it will take a very long time to get over something like that.
So are you stupid to be worried? No, not at all. You were stupid to get involved with a woman who was technically still married, but not stupid to be worried about her ex. How are you going to get through this? To be honest there is no good outcome that I can see from this.
Perhaps suggest to your fiancee that you see a couples counsellor so you can get some professional help for this. And keep talking to her as much as you can, if she thinks about her ex then clearly there are a lot of feelings still left there so you need to know where you stand.
Tell her how you feel about her thinking about her ex and feeling sorry for him, tell her you are worried that she may eventually take him back. You are both going to have to be very honest with each other to get through this, so you need to be 100% open with your concerns and she needs to be 100% honest about her feelings for her ex. Hence why a counsellor might be a good idea, because they will help push you both towards a solution for these problems.
But be warned, you have rushed this far too fast and she clearly isnt over her ex so you are standing on very unstable ground at the moment, be prepared for the worst.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2012): It doesn't mean your second best she feels sorry fir him cis he's been a lousy partner if not they would still be together surely you two living together and being engaged means something right? She's bound to have some feelings they were together a long time snd there's kids envolved she's prib worrying about them too in all of this just chat with her about it talking is good!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (19 August 2012):
 What you're "learning" is that you remain "number 2" in her heart...
Good luck...
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