A
male
age
51-59,
*arronitall
writes:Well, where do I start?I have been dating my fiancé for 2 ½ years. Our relationships have grown and are getting married next year.Here’s the issue (s)..when we are out and are drinking, she becomes “flirty” and “wanders”. What I mean by wander is one minute I see her and the next she is gone. I have never been a jealous type person, but when we are together it seems like she attracts men like crazy. Why does it bother me so much that these guys always check her out?We can simply go into a restaurant and I feel the eyes on her rear. I have been reading these posts and it’s clear that alcohol intensifies the effect. With her, she likes to roam and chat with whomever. With me, I get angry then a big fight erupts. I then get accused of not trusting her. I trust her with my heart, but I just don’t like the way the men act around her. They act like she is single and it drives me nuts.There have been several incidents in the past where I have seen inappropriate behavior from her when she was drinking and the next day she will not remember. So I am afraid that she will not remember if it goes beyond “that line”.I am thinking that I am insecure. I am thinking that not having a father figure growing up hurt my emotional development.
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (12 July 2012):
 I think you need to have a serious conversation with her if you haven't already. It's not just the alcohol...it's her behavior too. Alcohol just makes it easier to do what you want to do. I have never agreed with the philosophy that "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing". Most people know exactly what they are doing. So you have two factors...the drinking and the issue with her being around other men. After these new pieces of information, I would be concerned too. I would make sure you give her an ultimatum of sorts and tell her the wedding is off indefinitely until there are reasonable steps being taken to solve these problems. I would not trust her either.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 July 2012):
 I think the alcohol is a major issue for her. If she does this only when drunk, and then is so drunk she can't remember it, um, well, what has to go? It's fairly obvious.
If she can't give it up, or doesn't want to, I'd seriously consider ending the relationship if I were you. This type of behavior and related alcohol issues don't go away without some effort on the drinker's part. Unless you like the idea of watching her make a flirty fool of herself every time you go out.
Nope, for me, something would have to change. If you want to try some positive changes, find other ways to entertain yourselves that involves healthier activities and no alcohol. Maybe she needs some exercise to get the endorphins, that 'high' she's getting from alcohol isn't needed when you produce your own happy brain cell stimulation.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 July 2012):
 OY... fine line...
color this by my age and physical limitations....
but while the going into the men's room is a bit of a stretch... if I had to REALLY go to the point that I was going to pee myself (and women my age do that)... I would use the men's bathroom but i would have had the guy stand guard outside the door for me not go in with me so that's a bit funky.
as for helping me up and down the steps... I have men help me walk at work all the time...but I have a very bad back that makes walking sometimes difficult and often on steps without holding on IMPOSSIBLE especially UP....
so if she's crippled like me... it might be legit.
if she's younger and healthy...she's full of shit and lying to you.
I'm sorry to be so blunt.. I just seem to be on a roll today watching folks who are getting hurt by people they love who supposedly love them..
I think in the instances you just provided that your insecurity is warranted...
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A
male
reader, barronitall +, writes (12 July 2012):
barronitall is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo Very Confused…thanks for your question.
I was going to go into more detail in my original message, but will now.
Last year when I was out of town a friend of mine saw her at a bar with her girlfriend. He actually videotaped her on his cell because he count not believe what he was seeing.
She was at bar, drinking, and some stranger had his arm around her. They were whispering back and forth as well.
Another time we were together and I turned around and she was walking up some stairs to go to the bathroom at a concert. Then 2 seconds later she was holding another guys hand. I went up to see what the heck was going on and they were gone. Then I see them both come out of the men’s bathroom. She said the next day that she knew she was wrong holding the guys hand. She said she though he was trying to “help” her up the steps. Then she told me the reason she was in the guy’s bathroom was because the woman’s line was too long. She apologized.
I agree with you all that the booze is a huge factor.
I have more if you like…….
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 July 2012):
I live with an active alcoholic. He’s very functional. He holds down a job and shows up for work as needed. He can go a day or two without a drink… he doesn’t get drunk every night.. he doesn’t even get drunk every week… but he’s an alcoholic for sure. We don’t go out drinking… we just drink at home… (and my 1-3 glasses of wine a week is acceptable and approved by my doctor… who told my fiancé to his face “YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC”….
My best friends’ husband… is an alcoholic and all he ever drinks is beer….. but the statement “don’t try to talk to him about anything important after 4 pm” is standard in their home.
the female poster who said your fiancé is not an alcoholic clearly does not live with one…
IF she blacks out then she has a drinking problem. As an alcoholic she has an addictive personality and is probably addicted to the excitement of flirting…
You say you can’t cope with how the men watch her… why is this HER fault… it’s one thing if she is going up to them and blatantly flirting and disrespecting you, but if a man watches me because I’m dressed nicely and my tush is cute… why is that a problem?
IF however you are going to a bar and she wanders from you to entice other men to flirt with her… that’s disrespectful of you and your relationship…. How THEY act is not your issue… they can act like she’s single all they want… it’s HOW SHE acts that you have to address, does she lead them on?
What exactly is inappropriate about her behavior?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 July 2012):
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/alcohol-abuse/understanding-alcohol-abuse-symptoms
The following symptoms are associated with alcohol abuse:
Temporary blackouts or memory loss.
Recurrent arguments or fights with family members or friends as well as irritability, depression, or mood swings.
Continuing use of alcohol to relax, to cheer up, to sleep, to deal with problems, or to feel "normal."
Headache, anxiety, insomnia, nausea, or other unpleasant symptoms when you stop drinking.
Flushed skin and broken capillaries on the face; a husky voice; trembling hands; bloody or black/tarry stools or vomiting blood; chronic diarrhea; and drinking alone, in the mornings, or in secret. These symptoms are specifically associated with chronic alcoholism
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In this post, the poster reports his fiancé has frequent blackouts and behavior changes. He reports that he becomes angry and "a huge fight erupts."
They appear to playing the same scenario over and over again. They go out, have drinks, she gets drunk, he gets drunk, she wanders off, flirts, he watches and becomes angry. They go home, she wakes up and remembers nothing.
This isn't a light social, let's have a beer at the ball park or a glass of wine with dinner. This is a let's get so drunk we can't remember what we did or get so drunk we lose control of our emotions.
Alcohol is possibly the root of the problem. Cut out the alcohol and see what happens. If you can't cut out the alcohol, you have a drinking problem.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (12 July 2012):
 What is your idea of her innapropriate behaviour?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2012): I don't think people who answered realize what the real alcoholism is. It's not just getting drunk sometimes, it can happen to anyone. Even if you get drunk once a week, it doesn't mean you are an alcoholic. Alcoholic is a very serious chronic ilness, and to call someone who likes to party and goes to bars an alcoholic is a big exegaration .
Some people are heavy drinkers, but it doesn't mean they are alcoholics, as they can say no, and stop if they need to. They drink heavy when they are out, but then week goes by and they have no urges.
Your girlfriend won't change, as attention from guys gives her pleasure. She might not do anything with it, but she won't stop flirting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): In the game of flirting, we flirt with those we find attractiive. I think this woman is an attention addict and is going to make you very unhappy long term.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (11 July 2012):
 Hi barronittal,
I love the fact that you and your girlfriend still go out in dates, have drinks, and enjoy each other companies. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. No matter who you are, everybody female/male at obe point or another have been insecure or jealous. Nothing wrong, it's a human natural instinct. Reading your post, I don't feel that there's anything wrong with your behavior, and if your girlfriend flirts with othe guys you do have the right to be angry. Also, when other guys check her out, it's rude... But, look at this way, smile, and be happy. She's hot, what can you do, right? :) I think that slowly, this jealousy urge can be control, hopefully it will get easier. What I am most concerned is that your girlfriend said she doesn't remember certain things? That's a big problem. I do not think she has problem with alcohol, but maybe drink little less?... The point is, she loves you, she probably get too happy, and her friendly behavior has no harm, however when you are with her you can protect her, but what concerns me is that, what if she goes out alone with friends? Nowdays, there are a lot of crazy people out there, and God forbid.... So, my suggestion is, talk to her when you feel as if is the right time, make sure she's in a good mood, tell her how you feel. This is far more serious than you being jealous of her, you need to make her understand that you love her very much, and you are worry now.... Pls talk to her...
Best wishes/good luck
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 July 2012):
Your fiancé likely has a problem with alcohol. If she does things and cannot remember them the next day, she's drinking enough to have blackouts.
I had a sister-in-law like this. She never wanted to grow up, she thought she was in her 20s, I guess, and behaved like it, even though she was in her 40s. She was an alcoholic, it just took us some time to realize that.
Mysterious house fires from smoking, car accidents, bizarre encounters with other people... all pretty obvious once you figure it out.
You haven't figured it out yet. Someone has to tell you.
Your fiancee is an alcoholic. You may be one too, if you are going out drinking with her all the time.
If you can cut out alcohol for a few months and see how that goes, maybe you'll have a clearer answer. If you can't cut out alcohol, well, then there's the root of the problem. Try it for a few weeks and report back to us how that goes.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): Imagine that, people in their 40 s still drink, wow, what a rare occasion:).
I m in my 40 s and still go out with my girlfriends for girls night out, and we drink. Actually alcohol is good for you if used in moderation, especially if you are in your 40s.
But that's besides then point.
When I read your post I couldn't stop laughing. I have a girlfriend like that.
She is pretty but no prettier than any of us. she is actually a little chunky, not much but she is chunkier than all of us.
If there is an alcohol in her body she acts exactly like you fiancé. She leaves me standing there by myself and bounces from wall to wall like a tennis ball. She talks to every random guy who gives her a look. She starts a conversation not the guys. She makes them buy her drinks, flirts all nite.
She has a husband and 3 kids, she never does anything with these guys but this how she behaves. She is a just turning into this part girl after a couple of drinks.
I agree with you it's even annoying for me when she acts like that and I m not her boyfriend. So, I understand how annoying it must be for you.
Unfortunately I don't think there is anything you can do. My friend was like this her whole life. Age, husband, kids, nothing stops her.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 July 2012):
Not to be disrespectful, but you are in your 40's and still go out drinking? I must be a stick-in-the-mud because I haven't been drinking in about 5 years at least. I do have drinks on occasion, but that is it. I don't like how I am when I drink and I don't like how others are either, so I avoid it. I am thinking that maybe you need to do something besides the bar scene and get her out of that environment. When I drink, I tend to be extra friendly and like to touch people. She could be the same way. The simple solution to me is get her out of that environment and do something else. As far as men watching her rear, you should feel like a stud that you got the woman they're all hot after. Now all you need to do is act like it. I don't think there is anything wrong with being a little upset about it. After all, if you weren't upset, she'd wonder why you weren't jealous, but act confident in yourself that you got the woman every other guy wants.
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