A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts,I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now - I am 34, he is 39. Neither of us has children, although he has been married before when he was in his early twenties. Their breakup was amicable, they had grown apart.At the weekend, I asked him where he thought the relationship was going, how he saw us developing. I was looking to make sure we wanted the same things in life because I noticed that he has never mentioned settling down with me or our long term future.He told me that he hadn't been with me long enough to say where he saw us going. He said he saw children in his future, getting married perhaps although he wasn't that keen. He never said he saw those things with me, just in general. He couldn't say where we were going because he said he had broken up with his ex girlfriend after 5 years and he was aware that you needed to be with someone for years before you make a commitment.My problem is this: I love him very much, I want to settle down and have a family with him. I'm worried the relationship might be one sided and I am putting all my eggs into one basket with him. I don't want to wake up in 5 years time still seeing him at the weekends only and with no firm commitment. He can't give me any assurances about the future.He tells me he is a slow burner, and indeed he took around 9 months to say he loved me when I had told him after 3 months.To put it bluntly, am I making a mistake staying with him when I don't know where we're heading. Am I asking too much too soon? Or it is likely he will do what my ex did - tell me one thing but mean another (said he wanted children, after we got engaged said he didn't - I wasted 5 precious years with him).Any advice would be really welcome. Thanks so much xx
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (1 September 2009):
 PS: I agree with Klara about you seeming a fast burner, I thought so when I read you told him you loved him quite soon, etc. I must say, to balance the other points I was making, that after all the fact you are not of the ideal age isn't an excuse to hurry this relationship either: it is just the age when you know you can't sit around and play, you can't let it all in the hands of time but do something to add more consistence and ground to the table. If I understood well that you only see each other at weekends, definitely spend more time together, this should bring more to light.
A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (1 September 2009):
You say "I don't want to wake up in 5 years time still seeing him at the weekends only." Are you seeing him at weekends only? This is what caught my attention most of all because as one poster says, this situation is not unheard of, there are other couples that experience bad weather due to different wants, needs and plans. So your boyfriend doesn't plan to marry and have children very soon, have you talked thoroughly about this, have you been told why this is so? Why are you seeing each other so seldom, do you have such busy schedules that you can't meet at all during workdays? Maybe the answer resides greatly in this area, in the fact you don't spend enough time together?I think you should tell him about your experience with the former boyfriend, about the sudden change of plans that took you by surprise and the time invested? Not in a way as to suggest that he should make it up to you for your ex's fault, but with the only purpose to underline that time is precious - and precious for both of you thus you should know what you want or how to take action when you want something, as you're not teenagers anymore. Of course, by this you don't make him feel pressurised to take a stand, you explain your choices in life and what you look forward to. Try to see also from his point of view what is it that doesn't work or can suffer improvement. I can presume the little time you spend together is one factor. If you think this man is worth your time and it seems you do because you see him eligible as a husband, then suggest that you start planning more activities in common, set more dates, and spend quality time together; perhaps you can move in together and see each other on a daily basis, is this an option? But if you do this, set some rules and terms, or you can easily become complacent. After all, moving in does helps you know each other better but doesn't guarantee the other will follow through with commitments. Your sixth sense also plays a part here. This is a subject that you have to attack straighforwardly and you should both be interested that at the end of the talk you are content with the solutions you have found. He may be a "slow burner" but while he is in a serious relationship even if he is unsure of how it is developing he should help find a direction and follow it to see where it leads. If it leads nowhere then maybe take one step back and remain casual while you are both continuing your search but who knows, maybe it does lead somewhere, that is left to discover, carefully choose your steps here and let's hope it is for the best outcome. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, venuseed +, writes (1 September 2009):
 Hello there, yes most relationships have natural cycles to them and after a year I feel you have every right to ask where you are going with this man. There is an undercurrant in your message, one of you are giving more in the relationship than your man. When two people come together, it helps if they diclose at the same rate, but this man let you tell him you loved him a full six months before he disclosed this to you,the fact you are having to ask him where you are going is taking the energy out of the relationship. Very soon you might start to feel a bit insecure around this man because the passion you are feeling is not there in him. When someone wants you there is no problem and you "know" he is not showing you this. I feel that you need to bring things to a head, it will take courage and you will need to be bold. I would explain that your need to be in a relationship that has a future has made you think about bring this one to a close. Thsi will help you understand where he is really, he might be very insecure and not want commit for the fear of being hurt or he is really just coasting. You can then make your decision, to get your needs met.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (1 September 2009):
 Your situation is not unheard of. Its pretty much commonplace.
Your boyfriend is non-committal at this point. He is ambivalent. He loves you but is he in love with you?
I think you are correct about putting too much into this relationship.
I was involved in a very long term relationship. I did practically all the work. I loved her very deeply, my emotional commitment was deem and significant. When she relocated I traveled thousands of miles a month to be with her, took days off of work to be there for her, and drove through snowstorms, tornados, thunderstorms, incessant heat, and every form of weather and road condition known to man.
I eventually relocated and purchased a home for us. And then after everything, she's gone.
So you see, unless your boyfriend has a significant emotional stake in the outcome of the relationship, he will not commit even though you apparently have.
This is where you have to confront him. It can no longer be solely up to you anymore. He has to contribute too. He has to be significantly invested in you or else its all for naught and you might as well try and find someone good who will lovingly devote himself to you as much as you will for him.
I hate to see situations like this. One person is committed and the other one is still sitting on the fence, biding time trying to decide.
I can't and won't say you should leave this bloke. But perhaps maybe, taking the time to address the core issues, you can nudge him gently towards staying or leaving.
I think your heart is in the right place. I think you've done so much for him emotionally that he needs to recognize that he's got to contribute to this relationship now or walk away and set you free.
Being ambivalent in the game of love inflicts a great deal of pain on those who love you. If you cannot commit then its time to quit.
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