A
female
age
30-35,
*iamondshards
writes:I posted something a few days ago, asking how to help my boyfriend who's been going back and forth with the choice of majors at his Uni. I said I was worried about his attitude toward it rather than the choice itself and today I had a confirmation of my suspects. His mother called me and told me they're going to see a neuro-psychiatrist today because they say he's been feeling really down lately and doesn't sleep well. I knew all this, suspected it before, but I guess my bf tried to make it sound better than it is to protect me or something, because the situation, as his mother painted it today, seems to be worse than I thought {she also does tend to worry quite a lot, so there could be that too}. I thought he had slept well after last Friday, but alas, that seems not the case. He's also been sounding better to me on the phone over the past four days, asking me about courses at Uni for himself etc. Seeing as he's no good at faking {I can tell from his voice}, I suppose he's having ups and downs, which, I assume, is better than just downs. They're going to the appointment this afternoon and he told me he'll call me tonight to let me know what the doctor told him. I tried to sound calm and collected to him, like I have faith it will all work out for the best soon enough, but truth be told, I don't know how I feel. I fear if he's put on antidepressants there will be heavy side effects like being half asleep all day or low sex drive, that it won't be 'him' anymore, I fear if he's not put on them he won't be able to get better, I feel like i should just think about him and not me, like I have no right to have emotional and physical needs met because he's clearly unwell. I'm worried and confused and don't know what to do or how to feel. I keep browsing the Net in search of answers for depression, but he hasn't even been diagnosed yet so... Any help is appreciated, thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): OP you need to detach yourself from this emotionally a bit. You're taking everything about this so personally, you talk about being reunited because he's taken a couple of days alone, you talk about considering yourself still in a relationship and whole host of other stuff.
Look I understand if you've never dealt with someone with depression before but you really need to stop being a doom monger.
It hurts to see your partner in pain or go through hard times you feel you want to do all you can to help and you feel helpless if they shut you out, even for a day or two, I get that, I've been through it but you have to get on with life and you have to keep bringing joy into yours and his life.
With all due respect OP I'd need a break from you too. This is hurting you too much and that is only adding to his anxiety, you don't have to say it OP it will be written on your face and how you act, you're basically reflecting his pain back on him and he can see by how your living and in what you're doing how sad you are over this.
You need to detach yourself emotionally from his depression, be able to still maintain your own happiness and life or you're literally no use to him at all. I suffered through depression for a couple of years OP and the guilt of knowing I was dragging people like you down too only made me feel worse about myself, I found it hard to talk to or even look at my friends who were acting like you because I could see in them the pain I was causing others, and well shit, as shit a person I thought I was I certainly couldn't allow myself to drag others down so I distanced myself completely from those people for months because I had to protect them. You're forcing him into a similar position. I literally could only spend time with people who were still happy, who's lives were still good and people who could detach themselves emotionally from my condition and be light hearted and fun with me, tell me about the things they were doing, a new girl/guy they met, the good things they had in their life.
I didn't want people feeling sorry for me, I needed people to be happy and strong. I had enough pity for myself I didn't need it in others.
Basically OP if you want to help him you really need to cope better. If you can't then he needs to get rid of you, if he cares about you in any way he's going to get rid of you because you obviously won't protect yourself so as your partner he'll have to. Plus by forcing him to ignore your calls and know you'll be hurt by that you're only adding to his pain.
OP you're really making this whole situation worse by your inability to cope.
So he didn't call you, call another friend, go bowling, go to the cinema go do a tonne of shit for your mother today which is what you should be doing anyway. OP start spending your time doing fun things, living your life, going to gigs, meeting friends for coffee, watching a movie with friends, let him see that you're able to handle this and that you can be strong enough to be able to not be dragged down by this.
If you can't then know, you truly are going to make things worse for him and he will have to get rid of you just to heal. By far the worst feeling in depression is the idea that you're dragging down the ones you love and they can tell you all they want that's not happening but you can't fake that kind of strength, you just can't. You can't fake happiness to a person with depression OP, we're very clued in to that kind of thing seeing as emotion is our obsession at that time.
A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (9 March 2013):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I respond just now. The past few days have been really hard and today it's been even more so.He did go to the psychiatrist and was diagnosed depression- he was subsequently put on xanax for anxiety and prozac last Wednesday. He asked to see me that same day, saying he was feeling like shit and burst out in tears about five times while I was there because he thought there was nothing else for him and that he didn't see anything but shadows in front of him. He seemed to be a bit better yesterday- not proactive, slowed down in movements and forgetful, but at least less depressed/sad. {At least outwardly}. On the topic of libido, not that it matters now, he tried to cuddle with me etc, and I got that it wasn't turning him on. He tried to say he was interested at first but then confirmed it- saying it's not me, but him, since he hasn't been able to orgasm on his own either ever since he feel into this depression pit. Of course I reassured him and reminded him it's only a symptom of his depression, which is temporary and will go away once he feels better.}I really did try to be calm and reassure him, I never once told him how this whole thing is hurting me, but tried to sound, again, sure about his healing completely, that it's just a matter of time until the meds start kicking in and he will feel better, that I'm there for him, that I care for him no matter what and know he does too. {He said so again yesterday too, wrote it down and commented on how good I looked, remembered to get me flowers}Today though was a bad day and he didn't call at all; when I did around lunch time, he was under the shower {his mother told me they had just then managed to persuade him to wash himself}, then he was out with his aunt who had come to pick him up to try and cheer him up, eventually he was back but didn't wish to speak to me. She said it wasn't just me he didn't want to talk to- he was refusing to speak to his friends, to his aunt, to them, to his brother. It was nothing against me, but he just shut everyone off. She told me to be patient and wait for the meds {as well as the therapy he should start on Tuesday} to start working, because right now he couldn't seem to care about anything at all and his perceptions and way of thinking is skewed. I don't know if I should check on him tomorrow, if I should wait Wednesday after the therapy session. I have no intention to disappear on him- I care and I know he does too and I know right now it's not that he DOESN'T WANT me, it's that he doesn't want ANYTHING. I hope everything will fall back in place soon. I hope he will feel better and we will be reunited. I still consider us to be together.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 March 2013):
 You are way out ahead of yourself, and the situation. You are worrying about things that may never happen. What's the point of that?
I like how Eckhart Tolle describes it, I'll paraphrase it, basically, depression comes from too much living in the past and anxiety comes from too much living in the future. You are anxious about future events. Try to deal with the present, stay in the 'now.'
Just to throw in a plug for good doctoring and anti-depressants, I was diagnosed with clinical depression several years ago. I was given an anti-depressant which took a while to go to work, but when it did, whoa, it was like the sun shone on me again. I lost weight, I stopped smoking, I started exercising and eating right and voila, a year and a half later, I was off the anti-depressant, transformed into a new brighter happier me. It was a like a miracle for me. I am forever grateful to that sensible doctor and the drug and I would recommend you allow the process to unfold.
If you suffer from anxious thoughts and too much future worrying, then maybe it's time you took a look at your own mental health and well-being. I have a lot of links on my profile that may be of assistance to you, along with some book recommendations.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): OP you know how to feel, you said it yourself if he's ill then you're going to have to tone down your expectations and wait to see what happens.
OP most people respond differently to this kind of treatment, there is nothing to say it won't have an immediate positive effect. It sure can't get much worse for him.
His libido may suffer, he may be a bit drowsy too but if he's ill you're just going to have be patient. OP it's times like these you put your own needs in terms of the relationship on the backburner for a little while. I had to do the same for my fiancée after her car accident, she had to do the same for me the 6 weeks I spent in hospital. I couldn't exactly take her out on dates then, nor was I particularly able to just throw her down and bone her either. Illness effects both people in the relationship and it's important you don't add to that by freaking out in the way you are. You're a doom monger, worrier OP. A complete chicken-licken running around screaming the sky is going to fall.
Look stop worrying OP, you're driving yourself crazy. You're heading for a breakdown if you can't learn to emotionally separate yourself a bit from his issues. You're taking on too much. You're already freaking out about the worst case scenario here, looking online at how bad it can get, already questioning how you're going to cope. Calm the fuck down. Nothing has happened yet. It's just a consultation to see if there's any issues. They may just say he's stressed and that's it.
You really need to stop freaking out, stop being so sensitive and stop blowing things out of proportion. You're only damaging your own mental well-being OP and you're going to be no use to him if you're just going to be weeping over something that may not even happen. Even if it does depression is not the end of the world.
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