A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Part of me just wants to vent my feelings to people who don't know my situation, but also, I just don't know what to do. (Sorry, this will be long)The situation between my boyfriend and I has been up and down. Not like big arguments or anything, we actually just bicker about random topics more than anything. Never mad or yelling at each other. It's just been a matter of him figuring out his feelings and what he wants. He's been undecided in the past. First 5 months in, confessing that he may still have feelings for a friend that rejected him, then 8 months in he broke up with me before moving into an apartment together because he got cold feet and thought he would be too harsh and demanding if ne, but then came back to me 5 days later saying he made a mistake. And me thinking we could work on our relationship and get past that, I took him back, but made sure to tell him I wanted something long-term, not just a fling until he gets bored. He agreed. Unfortunately because that first break up was out-of-the-blue to me because I thought everything had been fine, I now have constant paranoia that it's going to happen again and it's been affecting me. So much so to the point that 3 months later he seemed a little distant and came over at such an odd time for him and his demeanor that night seemed so down and sad that I just felt so sure he was going to break up with me that I kinda pushed it in that direction. And thus we split again for a week until he came back and said he wanted to explain what was on his mind that night and told me he had been having doubts because he thought he was too content, that he thought there was supposed to still be that spark of when we were first dating. But then he read some articles that mentioned that being content is a good thing and means you really like the person and said he was worried he realized that too late, but again I love him and missed him so much and just want us to work that I took him back and we've been good now. However my paranoia has gotten so much worse that I feel like I give myself panic attacks by imagining what-if scenarios and any little sign of distance makes me panic. I've got it in my head that he's only half in this relationship while I'm giving it my all. I do keep all this to myself though which I think is destroying my mental health. I know I need to just sit down and tell him my feelings, but it legitimately terrifies me because i don't want to stir up another break up and I don't want to accuse him of not caring but it feels like these thoughts are eating me up inside. My problem now is the original girl he had feelings for before he met me. She's a mutual friend between us through work. She actually set us up together. So she sees each of us as her friends and so does he. And I get it, she has been one of his only friends and she's the same age as him. (He'll be 30 next month, I'm turning 25 this month). I'm sure he gets bored always hanging out with my 3 friends. I see it in him, he's still infatuated with her. He's always smiling around her, he'll never say no to her suggestions of going places, he's still helping her out with stuff. (Ex: she wants to go back to school and he's helping her decide on a laptop because she's not as familiar with that kind of stuff. English isn't her first language.) She doesn't know he's struggled with his feelings for her after she rejected him. And it's not that I think they'd ever do anything behind my back, she doesn't like him that way and she considers me a friend too, but it just feels like I'm competing with her for his attention. And now my dad revealed to me (he also works at this company) that he always sees them laughing and sitting together in the lunch room during our afternoon breaks. And he thought I knew this but I didn't and it just broke my heart. I don't want to be the overbearing girlfriend that tells him who he can and can't hang out with, they're not doing anything wrong, just hanging out as friends while at work. But it just makes me feel like he'll never get over her then and I'll always be 2nd best. I'm fighting with my feelings though because he's been honest with me. He originally told me about her those 5 months in, he told me he was looking into the computers for her and even asked me to come along to meet up with her to show her them. Again, I just feel like I'm being a paranoid girlfriend. Especially now because part of me wants to read their conversations on Messenger, but then I'd be snooping though his phone and i don't want to breach that trust. I guess it just feels like I'm being emotionally cheated on. But he's genuinely interacting with her the way you would a friend. Sometimes you need space from your significant other and need to talk with your friends, I do that with my best friend all the time, the only difference is, his friend is a girl that he used to have feelings for... but he doesn't have any male friends outside of work, and he rarely sees his college buddies more than once a year.I just want him to know what I'm feeling but I don't want to come across as controlling or accusatory. And I don't want to take away his only friend outside of my friend circle. This is why I'm torn in what to do because every other aspect of our relationship is fine. And I know relationships take a lot of effort and work, so I don't want to just give up on us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2019): Let's not lie- silly little innocent work crushes are common- but what gives me pause is he actually went so far as to BREAK IT OFF with you 5 whole months into your relationship because of his feelings for this other lady.
Yes I do agree with you that he is living in a fantasy world and it IS a fantasy crush. BUT what concerns me is he doesn't recognize at all that this IS just a silly little crush. The fact that he compares it to your relationship (and actually did break up) concerns me. I am sure my partner and myself have both had fun attractions to people at work- but at the end of the day we know it's just a bit of harmless office banter and we are committed to each other. He seems so immature. I would not want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't recognize my value.
No wonder you are insecure and stressed all the time. He is wishy washing you to the hills with wanting to move in together, then cancelling, and with breaking up and making up.
I don't think this is a kind of person I would want to be with. I would leave and find someone excited to be with me!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 August 2019):
 Thank you for the update, OP
For whatever reason your post (at least to me read as having 3 "breaks", but thanks for the clarifications) however, 2 or 3... does it matter?
It's WISHFUL thinking to believe that if SHE wasn't in the picture things would be great. Because it's pointless. SHE exist. She is there, working along side the two of you. You can't WISH her away, not his feelings for her. And yes, he HAS feelings for her, especially if he seeks her out at work to have lunch and laughs.
The reason he (might) still harbor feelings for her is because he sees her 5 days a week. I mean it's kind of hard to get over a person you HAVE to see on a near daily basis. Which doesn't EXACTLY help your relationship either.
As for sex. If sex is painful and can't be "completed" you need to go see a GYN. Not that you HAVE to have sex in a relationship but at some point either or both of you WANT that as part of a relationship. But I think you NOT having sex with him while you try and figure this out perhaps is the best.
(you should still go see a GYN though)
And I get moving out of your parents home for privacy is important - doesn't mean you HAVE to be living together.
A room-mate situation might be an option.
I also get that you feel invested in this guy. You share a lot of commonalities, values etc. The thing is, sometimes THAT isn't enough.
If you were to ANSWER you own initial question, what advice would you give? think about it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (10 August 2019):
 I'm sorry, sweetheart, but it does sound like you are "Plan B". His Plan A didn't work out (although he is still hoping it will) so he is "settling" for 2nd best. Your dad's comment was probably a gentle push to make you realize what is happening. You say yourself, he is still infatuated with her.
You deserve to be someone's FIRST choice, not their fall-back. He may have chosen to settle for the time being but that doesn't mean YOU have to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2019): I really do not want to hurt your feelings OP, but I also think that this guy is just using you as plan B, until, at least in his mind, such time your coworkers resistance breaks down. I agree with Honey Pie, that she set you two up, in order to get him off of her case! Again, not to hurt your feelings, but since he cannot say no, to anything your mutual friend suggests, he may have only taken up with you, just to comply with her wishes, until he could find a way to win her charms. Even if you broke up with him today, I do not believe that she wants him for more than just a friend. I do recommend that you should let this guy go as a boyfriend. He is emotionally cheating you, and on you! It is not fair to any woman or man, that their partner would have divided attention, between their loving partner, and an outside person! Please do not sit there until he just dumps you! His obsessive behaviors toward her, are not going away, and you deserve a whole, and loyal partner! Take care OP! Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (10 August 2019):
 Honeypie and Wiseowl have given sage advice as always, so all I can really do is reiterate. I don't wish to hurt you OP but the meat and potatoes of the situation is that you are "Miss Right NOW" not Miss Right. Apparently he couldn't have who he really wanted but you were there so he decided to date you. Not nice not fair but people often do this.
I don't think that your co-worker is a threat to you in the way that you might think EXCEPT in your boyfriend's mind. I think somewhere deep down inside he might be waiting to see if she would ever reconsider dating him. I don't think she wants to at all.
Please consider this last bit of advice, OP. Every lady should be "Miss Universe" to her man, NOT 1st runner up. You deserve better than what this guy is offering you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2019): I'm still waiting for my response to HoneyPie to show up which contains a few more details, but WiseOwlE, I agree with what you said that his love for me isn't as deep. I think I've come to that realization as well. I guess part of me thinks over time that'll change, but I know that's wishful thinking.
The reason I don't want to let go of him isn't out of jealousy, it's because I DO see potential for a future between us and I don't want to loose that just because he's stuck in some fantasy. We are similar in personality, we get along great, we're always hanging out together and are happy just being in each other's company. We're always laughing together and goofing around, and on top of everything I get along well with his family and they really like me too. I don't want to start over with someone new because I don't think they'd accept me the way he does. He's just stuck in this mindset that "the grass is greener on the other side" which I think maybe I need to confront him about and perhaps give him an ultimatum. I just need to tell myself that I have to accept whatever answer he gives me whether it breaks my heart or not.
I honestly have no worries about him getting with her because she doesn't like him romantically and they really don't have much in common. I don't think they'd ever work together, especially with her being extremely religious and him being athiest (which she doesn't even know about). Like he could pursue her all he wants, but he can't force her to suddenly change her mind and like him.
Also the apartment thing WAS fast and rushed, that's true, but I think we tried to pursue it more for the fact that we wanted to get out of our parents' houses and have more privacy. We were both adults, out of college, still living at home.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2019): Your paranoia and insecurity stems from the instability and unsure ground your relationship stands on. Your common-sense is gnawing at you; because you've broken-up with this guy twice. You can't be that deeply in-love with someone you can't trust. It's your ego clinging-on, out of a sense of jealousy and possessiveness. I read your post slowly and carefully. You can't trust your boyfriend as far as you can throw him; and he keeps you on pins and needles. He's wishy-washy and immature.
This is only conjecture; but it seems he's settling for you, but wanting her. He plays the friend-card, but what your father saw seems beyond just friendship; when you add going out of his way to be so "helpful." It's like he's having his cake and eating it too! An under-the-table two-for-one, or polygamous-relationship!
Your feelings can't rest, and you can't develop trust. Meanwhile, you're trying too hard not to provoke him into breaking-up with you. Not because you love him so much; but out of the fear he would have the option to pursue his co-worker/your mutual-friend full-time. You suspect she's the first person he'd turn to in his pain. He'd play on her sympathy, and she'd be torn between you as friends in the process. I'm sure this is what prevents you more than anything from giving him the boot. You're protecting your pride.
He seems to be doing everything he can to charm her and spend time with her. If it didn't bother him so much, that he had to confess his feelings; I wouldn't be alluding to this in my response. To some degree, your insecurity about him is justified; and it was somewhat confirmed when he broke-up with you so abruptly. I just can't see that his feelings are as deep as yours. Yet, I can't really be sure if your feelings aren't motivated out of jealousy. Fearing letting him go is surrendering him to her. It's not a competition; and he doesn't seem like much of a prize, if he dumped you once!
The fact, you can't even have a serious and intimate conversation with him. That in itself is proof you're incompatible as a couple. That takes trust.
You can't bond and establish your relationship; because there are too many underlying-issues that you're both hiding from each other. I would have left the minute someone tells me they have feelings for someone else. Where is there room for me, if his feelings had a head-start attaching to her? Moving-in together was a terrible idea, and way too premature. You were rushing it, I think because you were scared he'd get-away. Unfortunately, you were right!
I think you're both on very shaky-ground. There's someone in the middle; whether she wants to be, or not. You're not comfortable, and you will never be able to trust him. You know he wants her, and his actions do not indicate that his feelings are simply platonic. Your dad was protecting you; and he was trying to alert you without appearing to interfere. If he didn't find their lunching together suspicious; I don't think he would have mentioned it. He did want you to know. He's leaving it up to you to figure it out.
Relationships require mutual-effort. Not one working over-time; while the other sits undecided, or oblivious. If you can't communicate, you don't trust him, and there is a wedge in-between you (her). This relationship is going nowhere. His ambiguous-feelings are too uncertain to make a sensible investment upon.
Stop discussing your relationship with friends. If you need advice, talk to your parents. Airing your business to so-called best-friends is unfair; and influences opinions about your partner based on one-sided information. It also creates unfair bias; when you're the one making the mistake, and he really hasn't done anything wrong. You're asking advice of people who have no more experience in relationships than you have! Your parents are closer, they know you, and they have more experience. We can only offer opinions based on what you tell us. Too many vital details could be left-out, and a lengthy narratives don't always share the full-story. It's therapeutic to vent, but better when you can talk to the person giving you consternation!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2019): Thank you for your response HoneyPie. You make valid points. I just want to clarify that we are each other’s firsts. So this is all new to us, but yes we’ve been together now for a year and 3 months. Also, he only initiated the 1st break up with the apartment. I unfortunately set up the 2nd one by refusing that things were ok because I was so sure something was wrong and kinda forced him to give in and admit that yea, he’d had a few thoughts but I threw out the “so you want to break up?” Comment. There was no 3rd break up, not quite sure where you got that from. I know the article thing does seem out there, but I do believe he would have still reached out to me. During our breaks I never contacted him because I was trying to let him go and be happy, but both times he came back to me. And that 2nd time, I don’t think he expected me to take him back because I said I couldn’t keep going through the heartbreak and that the 2nd break up would have to be final, (which I didn’t stick to because I missed him too much and wasn’t even mad at him, just sad) but he wanted to just explain himself. He didn’t have to do that.
And yes I do see a future with him. We have similar values and beliefs and get along well. Although I absolutely don’t blame her for anything, she’s done nothing wrong, I just think having this coworker in the picture is making things a little fuzzy. If she wasn’t there, I believe we’d be fine. Because he’s still with me and involves me in everything, and I know it’s not all about sex either because while we fool around we’ve never actually gone all the way, due to it being too painful for me every time we try. That actually speaks volumes to me that he still wants to be with me after that. I just let my own worries cloud my mind. But it doesn’t help that I’ve kept everything to myself until now that it’s overwhelming me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 August 2019):
You know, OP
Taking "breaks" in a relationship USUALLY means it;s not REALLY working. Can you imagine a job where you work, then quit it and then starts working for the same company again? Over and over? I get that ONE time can happen, especially if neither of you are experienced in dating and how to maintain a relationship but 3 times?
To me, that seems like he is dating you, until he finds "the right girl" for him.
You are the stand in. The Hors d'Oeuvres, not the main meal.
Someone who HAS to "read an article" to realize he wants to be with you... I just don't find that sincere. At all. Because let's say he HADN'T read that article, you two would still be broken up.
He isn't fully into the relationship, you are right. He has one foot out the door. You know the saying:"
When the going gets tough, the tough get going " which means when issues or problems arise , YOU work on them. And in a relationship you WORK on them TOGETHER, you don't run.
HE runs. EVERY time.
As for the coworker, I don't think you have anything to worry about, FROM her side. He rejected him and is fine being friends. Maybe because she doesn't know the EXTEND of his "feelings" - however, SHE doesn't reciprocate them. Telling him he can't be friends with her or hang out with her anymore, won't work. She is a coworker. And I don't think he would give that up for you. Besides, HE is the one RESPONSIBLE for dumping you, NOT her.
SHE set you two up to get HIM off her back, so to speak. She wasn't interested but figured YOU might be or if he was DATING someone he'd stop trying to pursue HER romantically.
You YOU are "chasing" him, who is still perhaps "chasing" her in his mind. It's RARELY a good idea to stay friend with someone when romantic feelings get involved, especially unrequited. And STILL palling around with her makes me think that he thinks MAYBE he has a shot at her, as she is being friendly.
Which leaves you... out in the cold.
Dating a coworker is RARELY a smart idea. Dating someone who can dump you at the drop of a hat, who might ALSO still have a bit of a thing for someone else.. is not smart either.
You feel ANXIOUS for a GOOD reason. He's DUMPED you 3 times already! Of course you are waiting on the other shoe to drop. And it probably will. You have been together around a year? Correct? And he has dumped you 3 times already. THAT is a pattern, OP.
Is this relationship REALLY making you happy in general? DO you see a future here WITH him? AS he is?
For me, personally, the FIRST time he dumped me, would have been it. I'd rather be single than tossed aside whenever a guy is having a "freak out'. He is 30. He knows it time to settle down, but all he is doing is SETTLING for you. And that isn't because YOU aren't a great person or anything - but you aren't the ONE he would have picked. Sorry.
I'd consider ending this.
And moving in together after only 8 months might be too soon for most. But it didn't WARRANT a break up.
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