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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've been married to my husband for about 11 years. He's a very good man and treats me right, but has a weak personality when it comes to his family. We've had alot of problems regarding him staying quiet whenever his mom and his sister hurt me and abuse me emotionally, they would even send threats, tell my little daughter to call the police on me if i don't buy my daughter what she wants (she tells her this is an abuse). My husband would just tell his mom to stop without doing anything about it. This has been going on for 11 years and they wouldn't leave me alone. My husband also helps them financially, but they keep making excuses that they would even ask for up to $50k. My husband would still send them thousands and thousands and they take this as an advantage. I've had such a tiring time trying to tell my husband that we should move to another city, to cut them off and move on, but still he would contact them and send them money without telling me so i wouldn't be mad at him or make a problem out of it. Im so exhausted and i cant tolerate this anymore. What should i do? Do i get a divorce and move on or should i just keep trying to convince my husband to let them go? I do love him alot and he has always been nice to me, but I'm having a hard time being comfortable about what's happening.
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female
reader, Saphire_gurl  +, writes (21 August 2019):
It’s great that your husband is nice to you. You have been married a long time and seem happy together a lot of the time. No marriage is perfect. Mother in laws and sister in laws are often mean and nasty. I don’t think you’re ever going to get any that are nice to you. I think your husband is just caught between them in this because they’ve obviously done a lot for him and always will because they’re his family and he might not have any other close family. I think you should try and stand up for yourself to them and let them know you won’t take any rubbish from them. Do it in a subtle way without using bad language etc or even raising your voice. It sounds like they are very jealous of you and you should feel sorry for them. Do you live with them? If they don’t and they criticize you when they visit how would you feel about leaving the house when they visit? Or just not coming down to see them? I’m sure your husband would understand since he’s witnessed the abuse himself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2019): Does giving his family money effect your household finances, or cause you and your husband any financial-hardship?
If he can afford to send them thousands, I would assume it doesn't; so step-aside, and let him send it. If any of it comes from your personal-earnings; you should have your own bank accounts. That is, if it bothers you so much.
You really shouldn't tangle with him about helping his family. With some cultures, it is expected of the males to support the unmarried-sisters or widowed/single-mothers. It's just generous no matter what your culture is. I'd do it in a heartbeat!
If you make a stink about him helping them, and they know you are, it seems logical that they would hate you!
If you've made it abundantly obvious you don't like them; then it follows they will harass and harangue you. Women see through each other, and it seems women don't hesitate to express your feelings openly towards each other. It causes you more trouble than you can handle. If you cower to them, they'll take advantage of it.
It's better to keep the peace and choose your battles. If your daughter is well-parented; outside influences will have a hard-time undoing what you've properly taught your kids at your daughter's age. Set a good foundation and teach her about materialism and greediness. Nuff said! Teenagers are a different story. Terrorizing parents is what they do. Why would your daughter listen to auntie and grandma, if she knows it would hurt mommy? Then I guess you've got some work to do.
Most of the complaints we get from people about mistreatment from relatives comes from passive-individuals who want others to stand-up for them; while they sit-back and do nothing to defend themselves. Moving away won't detach DNA. It's the 21'st-century, we have internet, jets, cars, buses, and boats. Anywhere you can run, they can find a way to get there! He can mail or wire money!
They are mortal women, just like you are. You can raise hell when people bother your children; and if your husband doesn't like it, he might step-in and do something finally. He's not going to help you snub his closest family-members.
Husband and wife are one in the flesh. When a man takes a wife, he is starting his own branch of the family; and sometimes he has to take charge. If you marry a mama's-boy, that tradition is broken; and you might have to deal with a wimp who doesn't backup his wife. I don't think that's the case. I think he's a softie who loves his mom and sis. You're mature enough to ignore or handle what you've described. You're not the child in this.
I don't know if what you're complaining about justifies a divorce. You'd breakup your family because your husband gives his family money, and you feel picked-on by his mean ole mother and sister? Would you? Seriously?!!
I think standing-up to them when bullied; and being a lioness when it comes to people messing with your kids is what you do, my dear! It's tooth and claw when people undermine your parenting! Nobody can deny that! They haven't laid a finger on you, but they mouth-off. I don't think your husband would allow anything more than that. I think this is more about the money. Not abuse!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2019): From your short post, it is evident that your husband has some issues with his family. He obviously hasn't worked on them, since he is still overwhelmed by them in his 30's (or 40's).
I understand that what his mother is doing is hurtful, but you need to be rational.
Have you tried couples therapy? Has he gone to therapy? Would he want to?
I've seen similar cases where people would do anything to get their parents affection. Something they haven't been able to get since they were kids.
It takes a lot of work and courage to break this pattern of behavior. He was PROGRAMMED to feel obliged to please and guilt if he puts himself first. This is hard to break, but not impossible.
These people have a tendency to chose partners who are similar to their parents (sorry but it's true). They end up being torn between their "old" and their "new" family.
He feels he needs to lie to you because you are bugging him the same way his mother is, when he has to lie to her. Unfortunately he has adopted some avoiding strategies to deal with problems, instead of facing them.
He should stay his ground both with you and his mother, but he can't. He was taught not to. He should tell his family to mind their own business and really mean it. If they don't, he should stop seeing them for a while.
Also, if he wants, for whatever reason, to give HIS money to HIS family, he should tell you too that it is his business not yours. Of course if it his indeed HIS money and not yours, or not coming from a mutual fund.
So before you act like his mother (giving ultimatums, asking him to let go of his own family), talk to him and go to therapy. When he "wakes up" he'll change his attitude. Once he does that there will be no place in life for abuse he is currently accepting as normal. His mother and sister will either change their behavior towards him immediately (happens very rarely) or they will try to emotionally blackmail him until he "comes to his senses".
You cannot make your husband do anything. This is like a parent forcing his child to behave the way he or she wants him to.
If you have exhausted all your options - leave. However, I would consult a lawyer before doing so. You never know what kind of a sick game his family might play, you need to make sure that you and your child are protected.
Unfortunately, what your husband is going through is not uncommon. Google narcissistic parents/partners, codependent relationships...
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (10 August 2019):
This is a very difficult situation for you and even more so because you love your husband.However there is a limit to a persons [you] understanding on this matter.While you say your husband is very nice to you...and this is lovely.But he must remember that he is Married to you and not his family..he seems to be a man that does not listen never mind heed what you say...but just does his own thing where his family is concerned and as he has continued to do this for 11 years....not alone over the money but over the family upsetting you.His First duty of call is to his Wife.First would you consider having a very Firm and open chat with him,telling him how you feel and that you do not wish to continue with this behaviour any more.Because remember.YOU ARE TREATED THE WAY YOU ALLOW PEOPLE TO TREAT YOU...I feel on this matter you will have to take a very Firm stand.If after this chat..if the situations remains the same.Then you will have to decide if you want a divorce and move on...because there is no way you should have to ..endure..this sort of behaviour....nor should your husband expect you to.He should make a positive stand where you as his wife is so uncomfortable.Kind regards NORA B.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2019): It seems you feel your husband does not stand up for you when his relatives are insensitive towards you. I can understand your feelings regarding that.
You also say he is sending money to his relatives - is money tight in the marriage? You feel that he prioritizes his parents/siblings over you?
Have you tried talking to your husband about why he does the things he do?
Without knowing any details, his behaviour appears as if there is a cultural difference between you regarding the role of parents/siblings.
For instance in China, it is common for children to support their parents and even siblings. Also the tone and language used by Chinese can sometimes seem rude, insensitive, nosy or the like to us in the west.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2019): Leave him because nothing will change, I have the same problem with my husband and I’ve begun divorce proceedings as I’ve had enough.
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