A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this man for the past 4 months. He's a professional, intelligent, funny and very caring. It was supposed to be a casual meeting which turned into a one night stand which turned into a relationship. i met him through the internet a week after my last on-off relationship of 28 months ended.Things have gotten pretty serious, with him initiating mostly everything. He told me he loves me before i did, he wants me to move in with him when i'm ready, he's always initiating everything and since i was with him, i've never been happier. (my last relationship was full of turbulence and argument and the ex[25 yrs old] never really wanted me as much as i wanted him and i was a complete wreck)even without putting that into consideration, all my friends say they've never seen me this happy before. it all sounds good but there's a problem. well. many problems.1)i asked if he wanted me to see him exclusively before he flew off for a business trip for 5 days and he was rather unclear. at that time my ex wanted me back so we hooked up once. i told him about this and he was veyr disappointed. meaning to say yes he did want me to see him excusively.2) that very day i told him that i found out by accident through one of my acquaintances whom he used to play with (f*ckbuddy) that he was married and had 2 kids. i met him and he explained that he had been seeing other people outside his marriage for the past 2 years and was waiting for his youngest one to be mentally ready to understand the concept of a split.3) he started acting more and more like a boyfriend, wanting to meet every other day, telling me to behave everytime i meet with guys ( which is quite often seeing as i have more male friends than female friends) which came across to me as insecure, but he said it wasn't, it was because of the fact that i played up on him when he went away on a business trip.4) i felt a little controlled and a bit upset after awhile when he kept telling me to behave. he nevertold me i couldn't do anything but it bothered me, as i like my freedom. it also bothered me that he was still married and i couldn't for a while see him as a boyfriend. i expressed that to him and recently, he told his wife he wanted to finalize the split. he's told me all along that they've discussed it and were just waiting for the right time. he also told me that i sped up the process, he did it for me.tturns out however the wife is in denial.5) 2 months in i finally got him to show me his ID, he claimed to be 36 intially which i never believed but played along still because it wasn't a serious relatinoship to me. but it did, and i watned to know the truth. his rationale was that perception(about age) could change things and he was afraid that i wouldnt want to see him again.and that he could change his situation but he couldn't change his age. i dont doubt his feelings for me but i want to try to understand him. he's very complicated and doesnt let out much about himself. very little at a time. He's opened up abit of his life to me and i have mine him. he's met most of my closest friends and he's started introducing me to his friends.which is a very big step considering that he's one to keep our relationship discreet because of his work image.what i know of him is that he is straightforward but omits certain details and will do so if not asked. i don't like that he lied about his age and family situation.He's a very loving and generous man. he loves his son and daughter fiercely with a passion and tries to give them everything. he's got a voracious sexual appetite and before he started seeing me he used to be with a different girl every other day, but has stopped ever since. our arrangement is such that, if he wants to explore beyond our boundaries, we do it together.he's really intelligent and i'm not saying this because i'm younger so he seems so learned, alot of my friends are 10 years older than i am. and i'm mature for my age.my questions are1) is he the possessive sort? someone who can potentially turn out to be very controlling?2) what kind of a character is this man? is he impulsive? did he make the decisions in our relationship because it was the better of two evils? 3) despite my being so happy with him i occasionally miss the dating game.those tend to be fleeting thoughts. the desire to cheat has never occured, i am open with him about what i do and who i see.I'm wondering if i'm ready for this relationship. its a very messy one and we've been through so much and i love him alot but. there's a but and i'm uncertain. and if i don't seem ready how i should go about doign things, do i end it? do i continue seeing him and seeing other people?thanks all for reading this long blurb
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your replies
i've researched child psychology and the children are 4 and 5. i've watched shows on impact of divorce on children. mentally, they do not understand the concept of divorce up till a certain age. he and his wife never argue in front of the children. he's wanted me to meet his kids but i am not ready to do so.
their marriage didn't work out 2,3 years ago and they had not had sex with each other for a year before he told her he was going to start seeing other people.
he'sthe way he is and i accept him for that. we've both been tested and are both negative for STIs. He is a Caucasian man in an Asian country, sex is guaranteed the moment you show up single at a bar. This however does not bother me at all, and is not the reason why i am hanging on to him. i am confident enough to know that i can have any man i want when i want. and he KNOWS that.
about the sex:
We swing with other couples, and have threesomes(ffm, mmf) if either one of us feel the want to explore outside the boundaries of the relationship. the rule is that we do it together.
The Divorce:
how i know they are starting the process of getting the divorce is because i heard him arguing on the phone last week with the wife, word for word. we were at my friend's party when he pulled me aside and started talking serious talk about commitment and being together full time after his split. i have constantly told him not to talk about it but he has insisted on doing so.
then the wife called, and what i heard conversation went along the lines of " do you want our children to hear us arguing" "you can take it all i don't care i can make it all back" and more arguement involving taking him to the cleaners with the divorce and more shouting. very unpleasant and he kept inssiting he did it for me. it was supposed to happen much later,later but because i told him i couldn't be or feel like his girlfriend because of the fact that he was still married, he told her 2 days after i metnioned that to him.
it was then i realised he told her he wanted to start the process going, now that the youngest one is soon going to be old enough to understand. and that because they'd only been TALKING about it for 2 years, the wife probably thought it was only talk and would never happen. until it did.
my friends who've met him like him alot. we get along well and have things in common. never an awkward moment. They like the way he treats me and they've attributed his insecurity to the fact taht he was still married and i played up on him when he was away on a trip.
this IS really messy and i thank everyone for takin gthe time to reply, one thing for sure is that he will never break my heart because i will not allow him to. after the last boyfriend, nothing could be worse than him.
my boyfriend's stood up for me against my ex who was sore about the fact that i'd moved on first after he dumped me and started caling me names just because i didnt want to get back together with him.
i guess only i can deduce what kind of a person he is over time and well. hope for the best. or give him up and move on.
the seeing other people suggestion sounds good.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (17 March 2009):
 When someone shows you who they are - Believe them; the first time.
- Maya Angelou
You probably wouldn't be writing us otherwise...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 March 2009):
 1) Sounds like he already is possessive. The odd thing to me is that technically, he is in no position to be, as he is married.
2) From what you've written about him, his character traits seem to be lying, sneakiness, cheating on his wife, multiple sexual partners (has he been checked for STIs an have you seen the lab reports?), a whole lot of selfishness.
Look, I think I've met this guy before. Not your exact guy, of course, but the kind of guy who steps out on his wife and treats other women as f*ckbuddies, nice to have around for a while, but not partners to keep. He kind of strings women along until they realize he has no intention of going through the messiness of a divorce.
I think you're being taken for a ride. He wants you and the guaranteed sex (pushing boundaries, to boot!) but isn't willing to treat you openly as a girlfriend. Why? Because he's MARRIED.
How do you know his wife is in denial? Perhaps he hasn't spoken with her about a split at all. Have you spoken with her?
Personally, I would hold out for a guy with higher integrity. Charm and sexiness and looks are all great, but they look even better on a guy who means what he says, says what he means, lies to no one about anything (other than if those jeans make you look fat) and hasn't been sleeping with tons of women while being married.
Every single encounter he has had brings the risk of an STI. In men, some of them can be hidden; that is, he could be asymptomatic. If he has slept with his wife during this time, and she didn't know about all these other women, then he's been exposing her to god knows what, without her even knowing it. That's pretty low. That's frankly repugnant.
So Mr. I'm-older-than-I-said-I-was, oh-did-I-forget-to-mention-I-was-married?, need-to-have-sex-with-a-different-girl-every-other-day sounds like he's a liar, a cheat and thinks sex is pretty much only about recreation (and I don't mean procreation). He's HOW old? He's not going to change.
How will you find this out? Tell him that you are going to have to stop seeing him until his divorce is final. Or at least until he has moved out and is willing to acknowledge you to the world that he is your boyfriend, and he has filed for divorce.
How old are his children? I'm curious what he thinks is the age his child has to be before he leaves his wife for good?
Look around you. What do your friends say about him? Honey, why are you throwing away your precious time here on earth by spending it with a man who has behaved like a classic cheating husband? Like Denny said, you can do so much better. You know you can.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): Ok well for starters yes it does sound like he could turn in to the controlling type. From what I have read there is no aspect of your relationship that he doesnt have control over. As far as his character goes I think you already know the answer to that. He lied to you, unnecessarily. I mean why lie about something so silly as age? That is borderline compulsive liar. Someone like that will lie just to lie, you have to be careful and watch out for that! You missing the dating game is normal, we all do when we are involved with someone, especially when it's turnng serious. Think of the alternative, would you rather be single? Only you can tell yourself if you are ready for this relationship or not. You are right, it will be messy. Especially because you have to deal with the ex (or not ex yet) factor. Does it look like there is an end in sight for that marriage, or is your guy one who likes to have his cake and eat it too? Another situation I would address is that he has moved so fast with you in just four short months! If I were you I would at very least slow things down and yes maybe see other people. You need to explore your options. I really hope you think long and hard about this. Good luck and let me know how it goes...
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A
female
reader, Pyro_Dimples +, writes (17 March 2009):
 Sounds to me that he has some trust issues and you are going to end up suffering in the end. I'm not sure what to tell you but I can't see this ending good sweetheart.
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