A
male
age
51-59,
*ippySad
writes:Hi,I am sad. Feeling disturbed, keeping up appearances.I am 42, man. (Remember the Answer to the Question in the Hitch Hickers Guide to the Galaxy?)My problem is, that I feel alone. I am in a relationship now for about six year, we have two young children. We got children quick, after two month. Then later another one. There is and has always been tension between us. It is like we cannot really find each other. I try again and again, to make gentle contact, be "in touch" and present myself open, and almost every time I get out hurt. It is subtle, though. We have sexual intimacy only very seldom, like once a month or less and even then it is always the same.When I express my need she often gets annoyed or helps me off with a kind of "professional" attitude. In the beginning I would be fine with that, but more and more I am feeling lost and alone despite, because it is not what I want.We do not have long kisses either. She seems not to like that. When we kiss, it is just the lips. The worst thing is, that her touch does not feel nice to me. It is like there is nothing in her fingers, only skin and bones, no sparkling and a subtle sense of lifeforce being shared.It worries me a lot! Already for about two years ago, this drove me into an affair, which caused a lot of fuss and stress, after which I decided to want to be with the family, mostly because of the harmony and the children.We sleep alone. Every night I lay down in my bed alone and feel alone. I am beginning to remember how I would like to feel with a partner and it is different then what we have. We tried some counseling, but when it came to the point, she did not want to continue. We do not talk about our feelings.I try to stay practical, find things to do, help out with the childcare. I am a bit like a child myself and settle for the security of this family life, the routine, the avoidance of stress and conflict, trying hard to keep the peace.I wonder what I am doing wrong in my life and how I will ever find the power to change it. Even financially, it is difficult for me to live separate, because that brings a lot of extra costs and I mostly fear her anger, when I really decide to go and the coldness of having to live alone again, the struggle for the children, etc. But in my heart, I am longing for a girl who naturally fits to me and with whom I feel a natural connection and mutual understanding.Yours.
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male
reader, JippySad +, writes (17 December 2010):
JippySad is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello Anonymous,
I would suggest, take a spiritual approach to life and forgive yourself for what may seem to be unsocial behavior. You are a human being, you have a heart, but you are also a personality, with a feeling of self and personal needs that may or may not be appropriate. My attitude here has been, that what ever happens in life, it is either the result of my own conscious actions or the result of my unconscious actions or the result of actions caused in previous lives. So in that sense, I am fighting with myself. Like when you throw a stone up high in the sky and not walk away. When it hits you, you will know who threw that stone at you, or you may have fallen asleep and forgot after throwing and wonder who is throwing stones at me? Thus the only thing that I can do is to take that responsibility for my life, at least in the core of my soul. To the outside it may be, that I am fighting with my circumstances, which are real. I may blame my wife for my unhappiness and feel the need to change something. This is also true, because I am a part of her world of reactions too!
My conclusion has been, that the only thing I can consciously choose for, is to be honestly me, to be an intentional good person and accept the failures I might make in the light of eternity.
When I had an affair, it was after I had asked God in despair, to "take this woman away from me..." Next days presented me with this new situation, which seemed to unroll unstoppable and through which catastrophic events, taught me a lot about what I really want and need: I want to be able to be with my family, I want to respect I deserve and I want to be able to express my needs in all fields and be understood, at least. Otherwise, I want to know that I can walk away and I can change the situation, but like a last resort and having done so, and came back also showed my partner, that she cannot play with me.
I must say, that through the whole event, I was being honest and transparent with all involved, had very deep feelings and went to a lot of troubling emotions. It kind of rippled that whole contextualfabric of my life, but in the same time cleared up a lot.
I do advice to learn and practice a serious kind of spiritual meditation and to learn and use the many interesting transpersonal therapies available today, like Family Constellations technique by Bert Hellinger or similar. For personal development and emotional support, I would like to advice to a regular Biodanza (Rolando Torro). Being in touch with other people in a gentle way, touching, sharing feelings, having contact, is necessary for you mind and self to be able to function naturally and think clearly. When you do your homework, all will profit from it, especially your children, what ever the outcome is.
Final word, do not act out of hate or anger, because these feelings are justifying and despite there apparent reality and truthfulness in the moment, are destructors in itself. That is the path of no return, where searching for the love in your heart and seeing the love in others, being open and honest, is like entering a wide field with flowers that spreads until the horizon on a pleasant sommersday, children playing and the adults gently exploring the relative realities of their lives.
Let your mantra be, "everything will be fine."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): It's hard to decide what the right thing to do is specially if kids are involved.
I am on the same boat and it doesn't get any easier. You convince your self that things might be better tomorrow and when it doesn't you think it's you...maybe you are being selfish then guilt starts eating you up.
I am not helping here am I. Sorry, all I can do is relate.
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A
male
reader, JippySad +, writes (12 December 2010):
JippySad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you, yes.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 thats good to change something within your self. View your world from another angle. It shows you have depth. A lot of people tend to implode and cannot see the wood for the trees. Some people imagine what others think or feel but will only get the truth if they seek the real answers. Relationships are hard and unless you are singing from the same hymn sheet will go nowhere. I have found that relationships take years and years to work and a lot of people don't have the staying power because it is hard work. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, JippySad +, writes (9 December 2010):
JippySad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFortunately, things can change! We are doing better since I did some work on myself and what feelings stand in the way of my love and acceptation.
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A
male
reader, JippySad +, writes (2 December 2010):
JippySad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not even married!
and
fortunately it is not completely loveless, but different then how I am beginning to imagine it can be.
I often think, it is meant to be so, for me to wake up and consciously create my life. Not meaning I should walk away now, but choosing for each moment again and again.
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (1 December 2010):
It seems to me you are in the classic loveless marriage. Is your wife very controlling? You are thinking about the children and like that aspect of your life, the family man bit. Imagine what your children would feel like if you left. If you cannot talk to your wife of your feelings or she doesnt want to listen then you may have to grin and bare it or walk away. You may be harming yourself if you leave the children to try and find someone who may not even exist. You are in a rut and must try to find some time for you and your wife if you want to try and rescue anything. If not then you must wait until the children grow up and then think of a life for yourself. Is there something else at the root of all your troubles, you seem depressed. Do you have financial problems, or work problems. People can drift very easily when theres these kind of worried getting in the way of their happiness. Have you asked your wife if she is happy and if she is not, ask her what her views are on your relationship. Then ask her if she would like to try and change things together with you. Just a thought.
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