A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is going to be sort of long, so please bare with me! For starters, I am 20 years old and have been engaged to a great guy for about six months. We have been together almost two years, and we recently moved in together about a month before we got engaged. I was working full-time and going to school full time trying to finish my degree, while he was teaching full-time (he is 24 and has his degree). Things have been wonderful....until recently. At the beginning of November, he convinced me to quit my job because it was way too much for me to handle working 40 hours a week while going to school full-time. He also wanted me to pursue an opportunity at the EMS squad because I could get training for free to become a volunteer (I'm pursuing a degree in Biology and Pre-Med to apply to medical school). Within the past few weeks, we have been arguing a lot. It started with him beginning to make rude comments to me about how other girls he would see on tv (99% of the time they were naked) were so hot and sexy, etc. I got offended but I just kept it to myself. The comments became more frequent, and I finally told him that I didn't care if he made the comments, but I just didn't want them made to me. He can talk to his friends all he wants about these things, but there are just certain things you do not say in a relationship. He blew up on me telling me that I was trying to control what he says and he didn't appreciate the way our relationship was going. I replied that if he didn't have enough respect for me to refrain from saying something so trivial like that that he knows hurts my feelings, then I don't think he's mature enough to be engaged. His way of "mending" the problem was to just not talk to me for three days.Every night after that, we fought about something. It was always him picking a fight with me, either I wasn't giving him enough attention (I'm currently up to my neck in finals and papers that are due), or I don't ever show him that I care about our life together (I clean the apartment every day after he destroys it, make him a nice dinner every single night, and do all his laundry, in addition to helping him with things with his job and listening to him when he is stressed). Then he recently started smothering me with attention, which isn't the type of person I am. I need my space, and often times, I need to be left alone while I'm studying, and he can't understand that now for some reason. It's gotten so bad that I can't even focus when I'm studying, and that, combined with the stress of fighting all the time, is causing me to fail exams because I just can't focus on school when we have all these problems. He has also always been a very sexual person, but recently stopped coming on to me. Honestly, I am not attracted to him right now at all anyways because of how he is acting and treating me. He frequently tells me that I will never find another person that financially supports me like he does, or supports my education like he does. I feel very beaten down when he tells me this, because it makes me feel like he is saying that no one else would want to be with me if he left me. Now, tonight, he has been pampering me and asking what he can do to help relieve my school stress, etc. I don't understand the sudden mood change. He goes from one extreme to the other and he never used to be like this. I'm beginning to think he might have something going on the side. Numerous examples: last night, I walked into our bedroom and he quickly turned off the computer screen and looked at me with the most guilty face I've ever seen. I asked him what he was looking at and he stammered, finally saying he was ordering me a Christmas gift on Amazon. I said whatever and told him what I needed to tell him, to which I was interrupted and he demanded that I leave because he HAD to order the gift right now. I left, and he came out about twenty minutes later. I checked his Amazon account out of curiosity, and he never ordered anything. No confirmation emails, nothing. Call me nosy, but it's suspicious if you ask me. Additionally, he has been sending pictures of girls he sees to his friends (often a shot of their chest) saying that he loves staring at other women. This offended me, and again he blew up on me and told me I was invading his privacy, even though he looks through my phone and emails whenever he wants. He also put a lock on his phone and changed all his passwords, but I am not allowed to do the same, or I get questioned. He also used to tell me stories about people that he works with (primarily younger women, because he is an elementary school teacher), but recently, since changing schools, he never mentions anything about work, won't tell me anything about anyone he works with, and gets almost irate when I DO ask. I am at my wits end. I want this to work out, but I feel like he doesn't, even though he says he does. I have also found comfort in talking to my ex-boss, who is 35, single, and exactly like me. He has recently gone through the exact same problems as I have with his ex-girlfriend, and often provides good insight on situations. Yes, I am attracted to him, but I would never do anything about it while in a relationship, and even if I wasn't, I probably still wouldn't. I see him as a sort of big brother, because he's always looking out for me. My fiance knows I text him, so it isn't like I'm trying to hide it from him. He offered me the spare bedroom in his apartment if things with my fiance don't work out, and even offered me my job back if I need it to get back on my feet. He's very considerate and I really trust him with anything I tell him.I am to the point where everything my fiance does irritates me. I don't feel attracted to him anymore, and I'm always in a depressed mood because of the situation I'm in. One part of me wants to call it quits, and the other part of me wants to try to stay and make it work. I need some serious advice, please help?
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christmas, depressed, engaged, ex girlfriend, fiance, his ex, moved in, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): So you think sticking things out is the solution to your problem? HA! Good luck with that. Marriage doesn't solve any problems that occuring before you were married and, in fact, tends to exacerbate them. So either you leave him now, before you get too, too involved, or leave him via divorce papers a couple of months after the wedding.If you aren't attracted to him anymore and you find yourself cultivating emotional affairs in other men, then the relationship is past its expiration date.Don't stick things out. What's the point? You don't need to work full-time, go to school full-time, then have to take care of such a big baby on top of all that.He's lying by the way. You can do so much better. A couple of months after you end the relationship and move on, you'll think back and say, "WHAT WAS I THINKING?!!"
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (1 December 2010):
 It sounds as if this is on its way to being an abusive relationship. It may help to check out these resources:
http://www.wadv.org/abused.htm
http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/
http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
Please, dump him and get out now while you still can.
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A
female
reader, Queen_Ellie  +, writes (1 December 2010):
I think that you two need some time apart. Just until he sorts himself out and your done with your finals. If hes going through sudden mood swings and stuff he might be finding comfort in someone else or even worse seeing someone else. If he freaks out that much after you look at his phone hes hiding something. If he wasnt he wouldnt have a problem with you looking. As far as your situation with the boss just be careful even though you say that you wouldnt do anything i know when the person you love pushes you away you tend to do things you normally wouldnt do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): Basically the problem is you are clinging on to a relationship that has sadly run its course. You are too young to feel you have to try and make it work. You are not married, no children - you are free to end things and move on. There are many clues in your words, 'not attracted to him anymore' being one. A relationship should not be an obsticle course that you have to steer through. You are obviously hestitating about finally calling it a day, but in your heart I think you know, your lengthy letter spells this out. So go on, be brave - you both will be happier in the long run.
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