A
female
age
,
*crambled brain
writes:Just me asking for your opinions again.I know you might think I'm stupid because obviously I know my husband better than anyone out there but I need constant reassurance.Well, since I last posted I've tried really hard to not cause any upset (yes I know some of you out there will be thinking what a doormat).Everything is wonderful as a result and he is so loving and seemingly sincere and declaring undying love saying that she was never at any point a threat to me.He said that if they were as in love as I seem to think, they would have by now been together and I've blown a stupid game out of all proportion.He is still insisting the secret phone was just for business. I asked why he hadn't kept the 'innocent' texts to show me when he knew he had been rumbled and his answer is that I would have said he'd only kept them on and deleted the others. I don't see it could have done more harm than good though.You might be thinking what is my problem now?The answer is, is there anyone out there who thinks that after what he has done he might really be sincere in his commitment?As I've said before, I am in no doubt about his deep love for me and those of you who have been following my story know why it all started.Do you think I have got any sense in thinking I can trust him not to betray me again which is what you would think if you heard his love and sincerity. We text loving messages throughout the day (a thing we never did before all this) and they seem impossible not to believe.Is it possible that this was a one off at a bad patch in our lives? (his mum had also just been admitted to a nursing home and I was being distant and unsupportive and she barely recognises him any more and he is heartbroken plus he has the worry of living with a pacemaker and other health problems).Could it just be that she was in the right (or wrong as far as I'm concerned) place at the right time and it just grew from there? I don't believe he went out looking for another woman.Believe it or not, he has high moral standards in other respects. When one of his friends met up with an old flame who was married and continued a torrid sexual relationship, he was quite disgusted.My doctor told me that the male menopause is real for some fellas and she thinks it's highly likely it was all for an ego trip and moral boosting and never got beyond that.The fact that it had been going on for about 4 months before I read her text saying they'd done nothing yet does give me hope because surely 2 consenting adults who'd been flirting for that length of time would have done something sexual by then if they were so full of lust?I suppose I want to think that MY husband is different because to me he's always been a super sensitive type of guy but I know lots of you out there will say he's been found out in his true colours.What I'm asking is do you think I'm stupid investing the rest of my life in our marriage?Nobody has any guarantees in this life so if we love and adore each other is it stupid to keep dwelling on what might or might not happen? I mean anyone's spouse is open to temptation.Is the fact he's let me down once an indication it's more likely to happen again or if he realises what he nearly lost is it actually a positive thing?Many, many thanks for listening AGAIN x
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female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (6 August 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks ladies, you talk a lot of sense!!!!It's just me that needs to heed it.I will try, promise xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): well scrambled, 40 yrs is a lifetime isn't it? glad you are trying to rekindle the love and sex. i think if you two start with plain honesty then there is a way forward.
i agree with gina, she always makes sense.
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (5 August 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon, you are so lovely!!
My h/b is 57 and I am 55. We met at uni when I was 17 and have been in love ever since (apart from that bad spell which as you know led to all this). I don't think (and he maintains) he ever stopped loving me as he brought me flowers every week as ever and often asked me to dress in sexy stuff which I avoided doing and laughed off. He often wanted cuddles and affection which I again fobbed off and pulled away. He has never been remotely violent before. The o/w is 18 years younger than me but i think that's besides the point as he wasn't looking to replace me with a younger model.
If he had been I think he would have made a move don't you as she definately seemed smitten by him. She told me it was like a schoolgirl crush in one of her texts but of course she might be lying and felt it more serious.
I think he threatened to walk out because he could see no future if we couldn't move on and he also said 'whatever happens I will always love you and take care of you' and I think he sincerely meant this.
He either knows I've built it out of all proportion or is so ashamed of what he has done and upset how he has hurt me that he wants to move on and leave this in the past.
I can entirely see his logic if we are to make progress although I know I might still be ebing taken for a fool.
Thanks yet again x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): hi scrambled
i really feel for you, truly i do. i just do not want you to be a fool. that is all. please write again but yes, it also gets frustrating to read all he has done to you, yet you perhaps "naively" accept his words. i know you love him. i have also been married for a long time (18 yrs), not as long as you though, so i know about wanting to work things out and the desperation that goes with it. i think your hb rubs me up the wrong way, not just beacuse of his affair. but because he dared to lay his hands on you. i believe he has threatened to walk out on you and yes you are afraid, i understand this. but there comes a time for a marriage to work there has to be brutal honesty. how old is your hb. i have followed all your posts i think since the very beginning. so basically it is like waiting for the next instalement(lol).
sorry that i was harsh,i just want you not to be his fool anymore. i have previously advised you to be 'financially fit" please, please investigate this option. (just in case).
i really wish you well, i hope that you finally find the happiness you crave with your hb. i just wish he is honest, that is all. then you will sleep better, and we all will be happy for you. and we do want you to be happy. after all, love, sex, marriage, kids, and so forth, this is what we all strive to achieve in our lives. take care.
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (4 August 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anon,
If it is the same Anon then thanks very much again for trying to help!!
I would appreciate knowing what you were thinking of telling me but didn't.
As to you hope my husband comes clean with his indescretions, that is really my whole problem. He swears that he has come clean but admittedly as you know he has lied time and time again.
How then will I ever know when he has come clean???
Nobody except me knows how loving and committed he appears to be and I know that if I had read my story as an outsider I would have said he was hoodwinking me. As you know, we have both been ill and lost weight etc. over all this and he has had days off work when he just couldn't cope. I find it hard to believe he could have feigned all this but who knows. As you said he is a professional liar!!
I do appreciate everyone's time and advice and I know it must be very annoying that I don't act on it.
I suppose I always knew I would stay with him and just hope it wasn't as serious as I feared.
I would hate to give up my marriage for something I had partly invented in my mind but there again I may well be a complete fool.
I will try to leave you all in peace and hope there won't be a 'next time' when I am calling out for help again!!!
Thanks x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): i am going to take a harsh view here, scrambled.
there has been so much inconsistencies, yet you claim this great great love that this man has for you, yet he lies like a professional and hid his "affair" for almost 12-18 months. you are so scared that he is going to leave that you have overlooked so much, where is the self respect for yourself. you continously post regarding all your concerns the trust issue eating at you, and rightly so. but why ask us when after all you know him so well - he needs to provide the truth & the assurance. you ponder every little detail, surely you can see this obsession- yet you claim this undying love and devotion to each other. i believe it is only one sided.
so many aunts and uncles have tried to open your eyes to the facts and the reality. either you are stubborn or just plain silly for not seeing this situation for what it is. if you both have made a pact that nothing and no one is coming bet you, then stick to it and move on, slowly. yes, it will be hard but you need to let it be! that is if you can! you are not stupid, but you are perhaps stubborn(???). your emotions have been everywhere, you want closure, you want this marriage to work. it can only work when there is total honesty and total committment. i know it is there from your side, but your husbands. i doubt it. this is what you have to be careful about.
i want to really be harsh and perhaps tell you a few things but i will not- i think you know what you need to do. you need to acknowlege your fears, desperation and then move on. it is very unhealthy what you are doing. i for one, and i am sure many of the others who responded last week and the previous times are perhaps fed up- such valuable advise yet nothing seems to have changed. either accept that your husband is a liar and he has deliberately lied so that you are none the wiser or nothing really happened with this younger woman. decide what you really wnat from this man, and then move on. enjoy your marriage and enjoy being his better half. but be watchful, be observant and i think stop the stubborness. everyone has given you such great insight, please use them wisely and become the person you once were.
good luck and take care. you hb doesn't know what he almost lost and i hope one day he really comes clean with his indescretion. i hope that day is soon.
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (4 August 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Gina for taking the time to support what I believe is right although I'll ALWAYS have doubts x
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