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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I don't know how to deal with my boyfriend's child drama.My boyfriend and I are the same age, and we have a great relationship. We love each other a lot, we've been together for almost two years and never had a big issue. Currently we're living together (we moved out of town a couple of months back due to my job). He has a 7 year old child. His son is a good kid, overall, and we have a good relationship. The problem is the kid's mother. She's an aggressive woman, at least verbally. She's the type who puts money before her child, right now my boyfriend's unemployed (but looking for a job), he hasn't had good luck getting a job even though he's been trying really hard to... And she won't let my boyfriend see his child because he doesn't give her money. I understand that it's his responsibility to help financially, but it's not like he has money and refuses to give any to her, it's just that he doesn't have it currently! And she has a good paying job but she spends money on expensive things for herself and she's in debt now (or so she says), so she pushes my boyfriend to give her money.Their child is showing signs of being upset, because he misses his father since she won't let my boyfriend see him. He's misbehaving at school and has a lot of problems due to that, he has told my boyfriend when they've been able to take that he's sad that he can't see him, but he won't tell that to his mom cause he's afraid of her. How sad that a child that young is afraid of opening up to his mom!She thinks she does a great job as a mom cause she buys him expensive clothes and toys but she says she doesn't have money to pay for his school or that she doesn't have time to help him with his homework.their child is also a little rude and you can tell he's picked up certain attitudes from her, like answering with snarky, rude comments when he doesn't get what he wants. He also doesn't seem to respect physical boundaries, yesterday he was playing a computer game and asked me to help him by pressing some keys, I did and suddenly he grabbed my hand and pushed it away telling me "ok stop now". I'm of course not blaming him, but I do think he's not being raised properly. Like I mentioned he's had lots of problems at school, he hits other boys and he's even aggressive with his teacher. He plays a lot of violent video games and for example, words like "massacre" or "destruction" roll out of his tongue easily but he doesn't know the meaning of basic words, sometimes. He also hits and yells at the family cat, when the kitty has done nothing to him. He yells a lot too.The problem is my boyfriend can't do much right now, his ex is taking him to court. They had mediation beforehand to try and reach a settlement to maybe not have to take the matter to court, but his ex refused everything, she was asking for a high amount of money (like I said, she has a very well paid job) and she only agreed to let my boyfriend see his child once a month. And only after the mediator tried to reason with her for a long time (the mediator actually told her that she should go to therapy for anger management). She also says she doesn't want my boyfriend taking their child to our place, because she doesn't want him to travel.Also she blames my boyfriend for everything, because he left, because he's absent, blah blah. My boyfriend is very stressed out, I don't know how to help him. I don't know what to say whenever he fights with his ex, because she's exhausting and you just can't reason with her. When his child misbehaves around me, I also don't know how to tell him without hurting his feelings. My boyfriend lets a lot of the child's bad attitude slip because since he barely sees him he tries to be extra nice.I know that he would be better off living with us, and I also know that my boyfriend would really like that once he gets a job. But I don't know what my place would be in that situation, if you ask me, yes it would be the very best situation for his child but I'm not sure I'm ready for that type of commitment and it's really scary to me because his child, even though we have a good relationship, is a difficult child. And also, the whole drama that his ex would make. I really love him and I do care about his child, I just don't know what to do or how to help him, or how to get ready for when he comes to live with us (if she ever lets him, though). I really want our relationship to work out, but all this drama feels overwhelming sometimes. Sometimes I feel like maybe it would be better for everyone if we broke up, because all of this also means I'd probably have to let some goals go (I'm very career focused), like I'd have to step aside and let other people's choices affect my life's dreams. I realize that's a bit selfish, and I feel terrible about it. But I do t know, our relationship is spectacular and I really would hate that something like this would split us up.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2015): I know it's incredibly difficult for you at the moment and you feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel but my advice is to stick with it and try and hang on in there.She's taking him to court and I think she will get a massive wake up call, if the mediator is telling her she has anger management issues then court will also see this and she won't come across well. If he has no money to give her at the moment they will also see this and point out how unreasonable she is being. If he doesn't have money there is no way they can force him to pay an amount that he really can't afford.The best way to support and help him is just being really kind to him and let him know that you're there for him. Although he feels sad he can't see his little boy very much it also means that you also have a lot of time to yourselves at the moment. When he isn't taking care of him you can have a lot of nice evenings in together or go for walks places, stuff like that.As the anonymous post said, she can't stop him from turning up at football matches and things at school. When the ex is being difficult he needs to do his very best at letting all her anger go over his head, as difficult as that is, I know.I was out of work for a while and thought I'd never find one again! But I did and so will he. The child is only 7 right now but time goes so quickly he'll be grown up before you know it and all of this will be in the past.It's difficult enough finding a good man when they don't have kids and all the stress he has. If you still consider your relationship spectacular while you're going through all of this imagine how great it will be when court is over and like I said his little one is all grown up. If a man can make you feel loved while at a pretty low point then he's a keeper in my book.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2015): I was the anonymous poster..
To the previous Aunts, your advice is excellent, and I am obviously a minority in successful step family relationships. I love my step kiddies and I love there dad. If there is enough love in you, then do what's right for you. Also, boyfriend might have been made redundant, business fell into liquidation etc. if he is trying to find a job, that's great.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2015): I am a full custody step mom and I assure you it won't get easier with the ex if the child is with you full time. I'm sorry, some step parents may have it easier than I do, but I don't know of any personally and I am presently working on my way out of this relationship. Being a stepmom is a hard job. You will never be mom, the child will be first in your home, the ex will be a big presence, the father with all the guilt will start to resent you for wanting him to discipline and set values in the child. Guilty father syndrome will eat at your relationship unless all three adults involved get on the same page and make reasonable goals for the child and respect of one another's home. Changing the child's situation will also bring new stress on all including the child who will be expressing this in ways that may be emotionally taxing on the adults. Kids process things differently and frankly, primitive at times. I'd consider reading about the realities of step parenting and deciding if you can full time invest in a child that is not yours, because as a stepparent your relationship with your bf will get put to the back burner while he works on fixing years of trouble and heart ache ahead as this little boy needs of him. Can you be completely selfless? Give up date nights? Private time with your bf? Give up your social life if you need to watch the boy while he works? Become a full time parent without the mommy benefits?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 September 2015):
 So your boyfriend is unemployed, there's the baby-mama drama, a difficult kid and an overbearing, agressive and even more difficult ex.
I honestly don't know what this relationship has for you OP. You seem to be taking a lot of nonsense and frankly, I don't even know if its worth it. You're basically financially supporting your Bf and taking in all of the baggage as well.
I understand that your boyfriend isn't really at fault anywhere...I mean, he cant help it if he's trying all he can and yet cant land a job, he cant help it that his child is turning out to be difficult and he cant help it that his ex is making things difficult. I get all of this. He's not directly at fault anywhere. Yet, somehow, it all revolves around him and he's having to face the music and by virtue of being associated with him, you too are having to put up with all this.
OP no one wants to get into something with this amount of baggage. No matter how spectacular your relationship is, the fact remains that at least 2 of the 3 things will be a constant in his life. While he'll eventually get a job, the child and the ex will always be a part of his life. Remember, you cant really help the child in any way because his primary socialization is itself faulty. Are you sure you want to deal with all this? Don't you want a normal, routine, relationship? Why do you think should you put up with all this and even if you do, for how long? These are some questions you need to ask yourself.
Your boyfriend is a big boy, he can take care of himself. You, I feel, deserve much better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2015): HiHope I can shed some positivity on your question. It's like reading through exactly what has happened in my life..I have 2 wonderful step children and a wonderful husband and the ex in tow who also sounds like your boyfriend's ex. We have had it ALL and guess what - we are stronger than ever. The way I supported my husband was by just being there - smiles, positivity with a lot of loving will go along way. The ex is just playing a game and she will get burnt eventually, but you must realise that you can't control her. The minute u realise this, life will be made easier. Also, don't go in saying 'the child will be better of with you' - put yourself in the child's shoes. If the ex is as evil as you say, he will realise for himself one day and you and your boyf just have to pick up the pieces then. Unless there are serious safeguarding issues like drugs, alcohol etc, then please don't go into this way of thinking. It will poison your mind and you will become anxious, nervous etc. Listen, it sounds like she is holding all the cards - taking YOU to court, stopping child access etc. My husbands ex did this, he ended up taking HER to court, he never stopped from going to football matches, dancing shows, school etc to show the children he cared. They love us all now for doing that for them. Listen, at the end of the day, different people will tell you different things. Yes she will be in your life if you decide to stay with him and there is nothing you can do about it, but personally, I would never dream of leaving my husband or step children because he has an ex. If it gets too much, leave, but if you love him and the child, stay. Everyone has a little 'problem' in there life and just learn how to handle it. Hope this helps.
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