A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey there, let me start this off by saying. My "ex" and I dated for 7 years. With problems (family problem "mainly her parents"). This year is her first year in University. It's been pretty routine that she spend more time with her family, friends, and everything else first before she will put me first. Before she went to University I noticed she's not as opened to me as she used to. I know she was seeing this other guy *before we broke up* and she told me that they weren't ready to date because she wanted to focus on school so they never started dating. Once she started school she broke up with me saying she needed to focus in school. But she went on "few dates" and parties and clubs. I mean if you really want to focus in school why would you do that anyways? I did ask her that she said she didn't go on second dates wtih them because it wasn't "Me". Like I'm there for her to PMS on to spas on I'm pretty much a shoulder for her. I just felt so used. Like whenever and whatever she asked me to do for her I would have to do it right then and there, but when I asked her to do something simple for me it'll never be done. I asked if she loves me she say "you know I do" but she doesn't actually say it. She alwyas have time to hang out with her friends and go out. But when I call her she's alwyas busy or she's out. And she'll say she'll call me back but she never does. Don't hate Me but I've cheated on her twice in the past but none of it lasted over 2 weeks. I know I F**ed up and I was stupid to actually do it the second time. But it was the second time that made me realize that I really love her. I felt like it's just too late to make everything better.I'll be going to see her at school this week and we have been talking about engagement. But I dont' know if it's a good idea to do so or not. But if she does say YES I am willing to be engaged to her and wait 5 years till she finishes school and get married then (thats' what she wanted as well) but I hope that it would be the turning point of our relationship. I'm sorry this is kinda long and doesn' thave all my quetsions in please someone tell me what I needed to do or shoudln't doThanks
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broke up, engaged, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys thanks for your comments again.Well I'm back from the visit. And everything went quite well I guess. We hung out, dinner, shopping, talked about things that we couldn't talk about.There were things in the past and issues with her parents held her back from saying "yes" right now (I know that she will give me a definate anser soon ("YES"))but I know where she is coming from. She told me that when she was with me there is no stress no worry about anything and that I am compared to the other ppl she dated (just to get some support when I wasn't there) no one could/would actually give her any support like assuring her that everything was alright.The visit I would say 90% up and 10% down because the time we've spend together we've never really had that chance in the past and the things that we did together just made a lot of things better and along with the talks we've had. The down side would be we woudln't get to see each other for a lil while and probably wouldn't be able to talk as much and she would be stressed (school, family, and other things) again this would be another hill we would have to go through together (I hope she's ready to go through this with me together).
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Just to follow up. She keeps saying contradictory things because she doesn't feel fine to dump you. She knows she is hurting you and that feels just awful. But, look at her actions, which is what matters.
Like the anonymous female poster said, you see this engagement as a way to hang onto her. But it's over, man. I understand you can feel confused about it, but we're telling it like it is.
If you want a clear sign from her, let her be the one to come to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know, what you guys are saying, but the thing is to me she kept messing with my mind. She say that she loves me but doesn't say love. She asked me to visit her.
According to her one of the main reason is her parents. Because they dont' like me at all she just say oh I can't talk w/ you becuase of my parents I can't see you 'cause of them. Well when she asked me to see her I would do so and when I do get to see her it'll be like the best time I'll ever had even if we didn't do anything special.
The engagement is we were talking about rings and she said that if I bought her a particular ring she would marry me and I told her that I would buy you "a" ring not the particular one she saw and would ask her to marry me. But then she turned around and say I was just joking. BUT she turned around and say we'll just look at engagement rings and not buy but if we do find one that she likes then we'll go head with it.
So again whatever happens or whatever it'll just turn in to this whole entire episode in my head of like wtf is going on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): Getting engaged isn't a turning point, if she can't commit to you now why would engagement change that?
If she still cared she would show it, you would be a priority. It seems to me that you already know this relationship is over but you're hoping to hang onto her by engaging.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (6 February 2008):
I'm sorry, but I think you shouldn't talk to her about engagement. It seems clear that she isn't into you anymore. I think your insisting would do no good, for you or her.
To me, the fact that you both saw other people means you two were not really that happy with the relationship. Maybe you were at a point where you can't really claim you're not satisfied, but also where you can't say you're fine. That alone is bad prospects for me.
It is always difficult for us men to really understand what women say, and being in love or confused doesn't help, because we interpret things in the way we find most agreeable. But, let's see:
She broke up with you. There is a clear meaning here.
She was seeing another guy before she broke up with you, but she stopped seeing him because she wanted to focus on school and they weren't ready to date. That means she didn't like the other guy. And then she dumped you. That means she didn't like you, either.
She said she wants to focus on school. That means she wants to take a "break" of five years. To me, this is a hint she doesn't want to see you. At the same time, she dates other guys. So, she doesnt' really want to focus on school. She dropped a hint for you, and, like most of us men, you couldn't understand. She waved you a "gentle" goodbye.
She didn't have time for you, and never called you back, but she did have time for her friends and family. That was because she would rather not be with you.
Your cheating was the end of your relationship.
If you look at the whole picture, it's easy to see the relationship is over. I know that, in your situation (and many other people's) it is difficult to see the whole picture. It happens to all of us, men or women.
Learning to read facts and seeing when you need to stay away is a difficult thing, but a valuable one. You will become a nuisance if you keep trying. You should let her be.
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