A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I went out with a guy for over 5 years. He was my first great love ; he would've been 'the one'. Things went rough and we broke 13 months ago. I would say I was very happy about the breakup because he did love me and treated me well but there were huge unfixable issues and he gave up on me. It was a very positive thing as I finally took control if my life, started to love myself. He hurt be badly and I couldn't thank god enough for giving me courage to move on. I didn't think about him for an entire year but lately I am an able to brush off constant thoughts about him. We got in touch a few months ago through emails and his behavior has been very confusing since then. First he said he couldn't forget me and is shocked how I moved on so fast. Then he said though he's single and trying to move on, he doesn't want to see me or reignite things..after I made it clear I have no such intentions, suddenly he tells me he cannot keep in touch because he's engaged and it would be wrong to stay friends. I hate myself for being super nice and sweet to someone who hurt me so much but I lost all self control.. I even reacted when heard about his engagement but wished him well.. He doesn't reply anymore .. I couldn't understand his confusing behaviour but I don't think he's engaged.. I don't know why I even bother but want to stop feeling so miserable and need to know why suddenly after 1 year! I was so happy and never looked back and now suddenly. . what can I do to get out of this situation.. I'm wasting a lot of time and energy obsessing over this and I hate it.
View related questions:
engaged, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): Isn't it strange how you can be going through something and then someone writes in, in your exact situation. You are not alone!I feel for you and your two replies replies are spot on especially the Wise one. Yes this man certainly speaks from the heart.I too broke up with my ex because he wasn't making me happy at all. He wasn't bothering enough or prioritising our relationship. I felt I was an option rather than a priority.Like you I walked away and felt relieved and got stronger in every sense. I was going to the gym meeting friends more and having a ball!Then we started texting (he initiated contact) and met up last week. We hugged and I cried. He said he was still single and we could build bridges but he let me down again making an arrangement and giving a feeble excuse not to meet. A final kick in the teeth.All I can say is that you are not alone with your feelings. I felt totally back to square one and upset obsessive in my thoughts about him and angry and confused. I was over him wasn't I?Just days later I have decided no more. Like you, when I broke up with him I was so much happier. I recently allowed myself to start caring about him through our renewed contact. I did not guard my heart and the pain has been awful. The saying "Look before you leap" is prevalent here. Like myself you need to remember you dumped him. We walked away so we crossed that line and left for very good reasons.I now have decided that I am not going to hurt myself anymore. I am going to draw a line under that relationship and move forwards, bruised yes but I have learned from this. My final advice to myself would be in the future "Let sleeping dogs lie."Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. There is better out there for both of us. Look after yourself. Treat yourself to something nice, a little gift. I bought myself a silver ring yesterday. This is to remind me I am strong and kind and giving and I have a great capacity to love. I loved and cared for him very much and like you will love again. We are always learning about ourselves. Choose to forgive yourself and let go of those sad feelings. Enjoy today and give yourself time off from thinking about him and the past.It will be ok.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): A lot of people go through the same kind of things that are happening to you. In my case I was married for less than 5 years, then divorced. Twenty years later I found myself working at the same large company as my ex. It brought on waves of emotions.What it indicates is that you have unresolved or incomplete issues related to your ex or to your breakup. For a year you thought every thing was fine, but deep down something remains unresolved in your mind that you simply blotted out and failed to deal with. This happens to many, many people. Then out of the blue something happens to trigger these issues and it can hit you like a ton of bricks. Even though you were not married, you were with him for a long time and your breakup would have been as difficult as any divorce.What can you do now? If you suck it up, soldier on, push it all out of your mind and just let it fade away with time, you may once again feel fine in a month or two. But the problem is that even though you feel fine and don’t even think about it anymore - those unresolved issue will not have been driven from your mind. They will lurk there and could easily be sparked again. But the most worrisome thing of all is that you won’t know it but they will affect your future behavior and relationships. Subconsciously they can very much get in the way of you having happy and satisfying relationships in the future.It would be far, far better if you would seek out help from perhaps a divorce counselor who could help you identify and resolve these issues. In a way it is good that these incidents happened to put you in turmoil because it made you realize that something is not right. I hope that you do seek help because you will be much happier in the long run – look at it this way – how could counseling do any harm?I’m sorry that I cannot be more specific about the type of counseling to seek, because I simply do not know. Perhaps some other Agony Aunt would be kind enough to jump in here.
...............................
A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (17 August 2015):
 You can't stop thinking about your ex because you are allowing open communication between the both of you. When you broke up, you should've gone no contact. Delete and block him. Since you allowed email communication between the both of you, you are essentially allowing past history and memories to resurface, when you've already accomplished so much and moved on so far ahead.People often say "out of sigh out of mind', you should've kept him out of sight so he can be out of mind.He reached out to you via email to see if he can have the pleasure of enjoying both you and his new girl. Of course, he wanted that. But since you rejected him and he knew he didn't have a chance, he went on to tell you that he is engaged and doesn't think you should be friends. That is the action of a 100% arseh*le.If you really truly want to move on, you should definitely cut all contact with this guy. You said yourself that you hate yourself for being so good to this guy who hurt you so much.. so why continue? DON'T let your curiosity get the best of you and go searching to see if he is really engaged and who his new girl is. Drop it. Forget him. Move on as you have so successfully done. There is a reason why you two are broken up and no longer together, remember that reason.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 August 2015):
 He's bitter that you weren't pining over him and his ego was bruised. His emails were to get your attention. He's a joke. First he said he was single. After he didn't like your reaction he said he's engaged. He's saying everything he could to get a reaction from you. So who's the desperate one here? Sounds like you were moving on good and he's the one who's sulking the whole time. Forgive yourself for loving so much. You know you are not stupid. It means your heart is open and it can be a good thing if it's invested in a good guy who won't mess with you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2015): Don't worry, my dear! These feelings will pass. It's normal to revisit grief, and to ruminate over someone you once loved. Five years is a long time, and you will never really forget him. What you're feeling now is the angst and turbulence that comes with the realization he can love somebody else.
It's the same feeling that I can relate to; when I found out the guy who dumped me was seeing someone two months later.
A friend was vacationing in South Beach Florida; and ran into him and his new boyfriend holding hands on the beach; just outside his hotel suite. I didn't care about what he was doing, or who he was seeing. I had cut him entirely out of my life. I hadn't spoken to or seen him since that night he said I "deserved someone better." My heart was broken.
Actually, I was single for a long spell after my partner died following our 28-year relationship. I was very guarded and unattached, until I met "the dumper." I dated, and hung-out with friends. That's it. I was in the process of dealing with my grief and repairing myself. I decided it was time to have a relationship, but apparently it wasn't. The news he was already dating did hurt. I thought I was all well and healed. It hounded me for days. I wondered if that's why we broke-up; or if he was cheating the whole time??? I take pride in not being a drama queen. I put it aside, and did something good for myself and others.
Then I realized...I was just fine. Who gives a flying rat's ass! I do deserve better. His own friends tell me every-time they see me, he can't do better. They've met my replacement. The call him a "cheap-knockoff." He's now going through what I went through. Not my problem. I have my own love-life to contend with. I'm happy, healed, and relieved. I wish, and know, the same will come to you!
Guess what? I now believe what he said. If not for him, I'd still be cold and dormant inside. He woke-up my feelings, I give that to my ex. No hard feelings!
Anyone can do better; and you do that by finding someone more suited for you. Now that you've matured more and learned from your last relationship; you can do much better than that. You're hurting now, but you'll heal and be even stronger. You love, and sometimes it doesn't workout. You will hurt, but the hurt isn't really the same as the grief you had when you broke-up with him. It will not last as long. It's residual pain that you hadn't quite come to terms with. There were unresolved issues that now no longer matter. You will and can move on. Your closure has come.
Here's something to make your day. My ex dumped the other guy six months ago. He is Facebook friends with someone I know, who says "the dumper" is already dating again!!! He dumped me nearly two years ago. I met a wonderful guy April 2014. We didn't become an official couple until we'd been dating nearly year. He's handsome, has a great bod, kind, and very smart. He has a successful business, and we do some charity work together. He has great friends, and my ex predicted it all. He told me I can do better, and I did.
I never delude myself. No relationship is ever perfect. Ours works, because we are mature and experienced. We are past a lot of the usual bumps and pitfalls that gave us our battle scars and stripes. We are seasoned, and know what we want and need. We're well-matched. It took time to get here again. I didn't waste any of it.
Sweetheart, he will fade from your memory. You're seeing the finality of it all now; and your mind will come to full acceptance. It's normal to retrace the history of what you had, in order to purge it. Even reminisce over the good times. Your peace of mind will come soon. What you feel now is your mind processing it all to help you to adjust to it and get-over it. The mind fights for normalcy. The process is very uncomfortable, but the end result is peace of mind. Seek grief counseling; if it continues, or brings on depression.
My prognosis? You'll be just fine.
...............................
|
