A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My long term friend with benefits recently told me that she needed some space, and she was emphatic that I respect her wishes. Here's the confusing part: we still have sex a couple of times a month, and when I do leave her alone she will reach out to me after a week or two. What really bothers me is the fact that she created a profile on a dating site, and she didn't deny it when I confronted her. She claims that it's all innocuous and what not and that that I should refrain from letting my imagination run wild; easier said than done, right? I told her that if she's having sex that she should be honest with me because I'm out!Our relationship was essentially based on sex from the get go; she was getting out of a relationship and all we did for a long time was have ..well....great sex. At the same time, the lines became a bit blurred over time as to what we really were as a couple. We both have feelings for each other, but she's obviously looking for something I'm not providing. She has given me a lot of hints over time about me slipping a bit in the courting department, which is something I attribute to the normal nuances of long term dating. Is this the reason she's "looking" at other options? Looking back in time, I can't complain because I've had more sex with her over the years than with women in normal past relationships. At the same time, I feel like I've been relegated to just pleasure status - she doesn't think that I'm the complete package, right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tisha 1 It's going to be really hard though because we dated for so long. Insomnia is kicking in and I'm also being overburdened with a pretty stressful job; my energy level is very low right now. I basically feel depressed for lack of a better word.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (28 September 2015):
 Sounds like it's time to end the relationship. If there's no trust and a lack of honesty... what's the point?
She wasn't invested in this relationship anyway.
So the good news is that you can start the mourning and healing, and you only waited an extra month to do so.
Now, the next time you get involved with someone, you'll have some lessons to go by. So you won't let the same thing happen again, I'm sure.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha - 1 .......okay, things are really bad now. I need to walk away and forget about her. She's not being honest with me and it really hurts. I only have myself to blame because she did say that she isn't ready to commit to me. It's hard to deal with when you're still physically intimate with someone because you're assuming that everything is still okay when it isn't.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 September 2015):
"She has given me a lot of hints over time about me slipping a bit in the courting department, which is something I attribute to the normal nuances of long term dating."
"what's holding me back is having to go through the whole dating pageantry"
Maybe she just wants you to make more of an effort to be romantic and court her, I don't know. But as you really don't like doing all that stuff, and you are enjoying the sexual relationship, is it really a problem now?
"there's something that's she's looking for on her end that I wasn't providing, and she alluded to that on several occasions."
Any reason you can't just get to the bottom of that allusion on her part? Ask her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1
No real updates. I'm doing fine. We're both basically stuck in the same relationship dynamic; she uses me for sex and affection/companionship and I reciprocate. It's the foundation of our "relationship".
You mentioned in your other post that I should just move on since you think I can do better. Make no mistake about it.....I meet a lot of women and don't have any issues finding dates and all, but what's holding me back is having to go through the whole dating pageantry, especially when you factor in that people in their forties have accumulated some serious baggage. I like my independence and so does my "girlfriend"; however, there's something that's she's looking for on her end that I wasn't providing, and she alluded to that on several occasions.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 September 2015):
Any updates?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cindycares......no husband, just ex.
I think that a big reason for this mess has to do with how this all started. We started as lovers, became great friends, but it never progressed beyond that - we were both in our comfort zone I guess. She changed and so have I. It's not losing the sex part that concerns me, but not having her ( the actual person) around anymore is what I'm worried about.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 August 2015):
 OP, I am pretty sure, 90% sure, that you are a gentleman who posted about this a few days ago, and in that post you give us an information which this time you omitted , but which is relevant and sheds some light, IMO, on what's going on, i.e. the lady in question is married, or otherwise attached, and she is not going to change that.
It is a hard , difficult job to be the man on the side, the lover ( and of course it is a hard job to be a mistress ).
You have been "hired " to provide what by definition the other man ( or woman ) provides : excitement. Pizzazz. Adrenaline. Butterflies in the stomach, and fire in the belly. It's difficult in time to keep offering your audience always the same level of " wow " to keep them enthralled and entertained as it was once. You should be Mick Jagger or Keith Richards to pull it off.
Then, it's sort of a " familiarity breeds contempt " thing. When things go on and on in time, they became more companionable, more amicable, more affectionate.... but ( particularly if, like you admit, you got complacent, and failed to provide the romantic gestures, surprises, and ego boost you had been hired for ) this is not as nice as it sounds, in practice she now finds herself with a copy or a repetition of what she was trying to escape with you from.
I do not doubt that by now she cares about you , that she values you , etc.etc. Only- it's not " care " she wanted you for, and least of all now.
In case I am wtong and there's no husband (... but I'd be surprised... ) the reasoning is not that different eventually. You had great sex , for years, that's it. But people get tired of " great sex " and nothing else. Sex for most people ( men too, yes ) is a metaphor, it's an instrument by which they try to get themselves something that's missing.
Otherwise if really it was just about getting the best possible orgasms, , well , masturbation is the quickest, most practical way. But people use sex, " great sex ", to feel special and unique and powerful, to feel strong emotions, that heartbeat-in-your-throat thing..... so the mechanicalities are never enough, even if you were Rocco Siffredi or the inventor of Kamasutra. Ar the end of the day, " great sex " gets boring if it does not quench the thirst for the exceptional, the adventurous, the uber-romantic that this lady seems to have.
In conclusion, yes, if she has profiles on dating sites, both what you write and ...common sense suggest that she IS looking for fresher, greener pastures. It does not mean that she does not value you as a companion and a sex partnet, but, if she is looking for something new, well,... then you just are not " it ", whatever it is the IT she is looking for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are more than friends with benefits because we care deeply for each other. That being said, I do believe that we have fallen into this routine over time and we simply didnt "date" enough. We do
go out to dinner a lot and take the occasional vacation together. I'm always there for here come hell or high water.
I'm just concerned because she that said she doesn't know if what we have is what she wants. Is this the result of how our relationship got started and never progressed to moving in together, etc? Who knows. I just don't want to see her slipping away while she's on this journey trying to figure out what she wants. Weve had some minor isssue in the past but she always came back around
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male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (17 August 2015):
 Hey who cares whether you are the complete package or not? Because at the end of the day you can't control what a woman thinks or feels BUT you can control what you think and feel and how you react.She wants space? I'd say give it to her, and have strict standards about how you will engage with her moving forward from henceforward. Even to ladies reading this I can't emphasise it enough, HAVE YOUR OWN PERSONAL STANDARDS AND RULES.If you are strong enough to handle it then even stop having sex with her and live your own life.But most importantly what do you want? Do you desire more than being FWB or is current relationship ok as it was? Have you also told her what you feel and if you want more? Maybe that's why she felt that you were slipping in the "courting department"With all the sex and intimacy you have shared between the both of you, surely communication shouldn't be a hindrance. And if despite both of you declaring what you want, and she remains adamant about needing some space then it's time you made a decision on the way forward. So;1. Talk to her and tell her what you want and be honest with both yourself and her.2. Respect her wishes and give her space BUT let her know how much time she has that you can comfortably let her decide be it a day, week, month(s) etc etc 3. Make a strong decision as to how you intend to interact with her going forward or whether you need to cut ties. Never settle for being kept on the back burner while she explores the "world". She won't respect you either if you don't respect yourself. That's my two cents. All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): It sounds like she is moving on after growing tired of you not getting more serious with her.
Now your reaction is to feel hurt that she didn't see you as serious BF material. That doesn't make much sense, does it?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 August 2015):
So she's not your girlfriend or date, right? You state outright that she's a friend with benefits.
So, I think now that you realize that this set up doesn't serve you and you are having problems with the status quo, then it's a great time to end the relationship.
If she wanted more, she'd have let you know by now.
Do yourself a huge favor and end the relationship! You can then go on to find a woman who does want more than a FWB relationship. You can do better!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 August 2015):
 I think you have BEEN "just pleasure status" if you two have been FWB long term - people tend to decide; "you know what? I want more!" So they have a half-assed blurred FWB/semi relationship but do NOT go the distance and decide I want this or I want a "real" relationship. So they continue this "not quite a relationship not a casual FWB either.
You have BOTH been content with status quo up until now. SHE is no longer content. She might want a BF, a REAL life-partner. Someone to LIVE with, rely on, commit herself to and who will commit himself to her in return. (aka a relationship)
I think she knows you pretty well by now, and maybe she KNOWS you aren't looking for what she wants. Doesn't mean she sees you as a "not complete package" but as a guy who REALLY doesn't want commitment and to give up his sorta bachelor life.
If I were you I would actually sit her down and talk - lay it out there. You say she has been "hinting" but obviously you haven't responded to her hints the way she hoped.
You say:
"She's obviously looking for something I'm not providing." That you haven't "courted" her.. THAT is a pretty strong "hint". If you still see you two as FWB and sometimes a little bit more... she has TOLD you... she want to BE more, but YOU have to step it up if you WANT to date her. Since you haven't she has come to the conclusion that IF she wants a relationship A FULL relationship, YOU are not it.
People don't "court" a FWB, no matter how friendly they are.....
By the by... I don't think she will sleep with anyone else until she find a guy she can see a future with, then she will probably cut you off. It would make sense.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (16 August 2015):
 She has prob turned her attention elsewhere because of loss of attraction n that could be one or several things. This woman seems like she gets around man that should be off putting right there.
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