A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im in need of relationship help.... Heres the problem:Ive been with my guy for almost 3 years now. And just like any relationship there are arguments that happen. My guy has a problem with me "being real / speaking my mind" but that's just the type of person that Ive always been. When I come talk to him about anything its like im walking on egg shells. One wrong word put into my sentences then he will snap and begin to yell at me. Screaming so much that he turns red in the face and ends up giving himself a headache due to it. I was raised that if your in a relationship and an argument happens, you give it some time to allow the anger on both parties to settle down. Give each other space and time to settle down. Then after awhile the couple should be able to sit down and talk over what happened to cause the fight so that way it wont happen again. So I try to do that with my guy. I will calmly and relaxingly approach him and try to talk to him about it. But all he ever does is trips out once again screaming and slamming things around. I still stay there calmly and try to calm him down but it seems like he just gets more and more rage in him. I cant understand why? Im very close to kicking him out of my house due to not even being able to talk to him about anything anymore. The communication in our relationship just plain sucks ever since he had to start paying child support. He takes out all of his aggression on me that his ex girlfriend creates. I tell him its not right that he takes it out on me just because im the only person around. It only makes things worse. What can I do in this situation? I know im not the only person out there that is going thru this problem. So any advice on this wont only help me out but it will also help out others in the same spot too. Thank you in advance for your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): I suspect think you're dealing with bipolarity; and he has been diagnosed long before he met you. Trying to diagnose him by layman's methods isn't doing him or anyone else any good. I see a bit of protectiveness in your second post, where you explain how you calm him down. That isn't always going to work. He could explode, and it is best he get professional help. If he's hearing voices, it's mental-illness; and the danger could be to you, his ex, or his own child.
Is he a veteran of the military by chance? If he is, there are new programs available to help vets suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome, and other mental disorders. The cost would be minimal to nothing. Mental-healthcare is pathetically unreliable on the usual health-plans in the States these days. Do some research into finding him professional help; but you've got to get him out of your home.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have read all of your inputs/advice on my problem. It did look up the intermittent explosive disorder as you brought it up. And I will admit that he does seem to match a lot of the symptoms that they said on there. I was looking closely to see if I saw anything about hearing voices in your head that pretty much take over you. I only say that due to the fact that a couple times since Ive been with him he has admitted to me that he has voices that are in his head & it makes him become a VERY angry man. So when he starts getting like this, I walk up to him and grab his shoulders to have him look into my eyes & I say to "not let this angry man in your head control you, your better & stronger than to do that. Over power it. You can do it." I used to have an anger problem. I was a walking time bomb for awhile. Until I sat myself down & did mind over matter & won the fight. I now have learned to control my anger. I wont lie that it does get VERY difficult to do that when Im talking calmly towards him & he snaps and begins to yell at me for no reason. Id love to just snap back & yell back at him. But then think, where is that going to get us?!?! It will just make things so much worse. Ive put thought into this all & have decided to ask him to go live with his parents for a little while. That way it will give us space & maybe it will help him to sit back & think about all that has been going on & how he reacts to it all. I pray that all your advice you have written on here will also help out so many other clueless people like myself in this kind of situation. Just always know, its not your fault & to remain doing what your doing. Thank you all!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 August 2015):
 The ONLY thing YOU can do is get out. l
He's mistreating the one person on his side. I live with this my husband is emotionally stagnant at age 12. He needs therapy and help and is not willing to do the hard work to get better.
I stay because he is dealing with it as best he can now on top of a lot of other things that are affecting him and because we are married. IF we were not married we would not be a couple.
You are NOT married. You have no legal ties to this man. His behavior without therapy and hard work to grow and mature will NOT change. The ONLY person you can change is YOU.
stop taking his abuse.
when he screams you can say "we are done for tonight" and leave.... go stay with a friend or just walk away from him.
give him NOTHING the rest of the night.. not bad, not nice.. NOTHING.
the next day you start over.
it will prevent you from being insane as you plan your exit.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (17 August 2015):
 Look up "intermittent explosive disorder" and see if those symptoms fit what your guy does. If so, set up a psychiatrist and be sure he gets medicine for that. Anger management helps but does nothing unless he gets medicated. No meds no change.
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (17 August 2015):
 What is he? 15? Seems hes not wanting to put effort in and is allowing himself to be upset as an indirect way of saying 'im done and need space'. However when arguing choose your tone and words carefully as the other person may feel attacked. Even if deserving it wont make for a productive solution.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 August 2015):
 I hope that you will read very carefully the advice that you have been given. I can tell you first hand that men with anger issues may start out just expressing it verbally, but most of the time the anger burns out of control and turns into physical abuse. My ex husband had a terrible temper. I knew this before I married him. I seen him hit walls, glass, doors, but never in a million years thought he would take it out on me. At 19, you don't know much and I obviously didn't. I left him when he broke my arm. That was after bruises, cuts and threats that he would kill me.
You can't fix him, and its not your fault. Why should you be afraid to be in your own house? Get him out of there before he turns his anger on you..and trust me..he will. I would recommend that you either call a good male friend or two when you end things, or do it through the cops. Don't stay in this relationship..you can't win. If you can't talk to him without him getting angry, there's a serious problem and it will just continue to escalate.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 August 2015):
He has anger management issues. He either needs professional help or you simple have to break up with him and move on. I do not think there is anything YOU can do since the issue does not stem from you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): I noticed you're between 36 and 40. That puts you in the age-group that has either been married and divorced; or you've had at least two long-term relationships in your lifetime. You're mature and experienced. You know better!
You know as well as anyone that you don't stay in a relationship that you can't have a civil discussion about a problem in the relationship. No one, male or female, has to deal with rage, or people with anger-management issues. These kind of people use anger as a tool to intimidate; and aggression to stop you in your tracks. They feel they've won the argument; if they can get loud enough to scare you, or things just get so out of control you surrender. Then they reinforce that anger with stubbornness! They refuse to compromise.
People like that are dangerous. They're lashing out about something they feel they have no control over. Trouble on the job, dysfunction in their families, frustration with not being where they want to be, drug/alcohol abuse; or
baby-mama/baby-daddy issues. Then your whining and nagging.
That's what it sounds like to him!
If he wore a condom, there would be no child-support to pay! If he dumped her, and left her with a kid; it is her mission to make his life as miserable as hell. She uses the kid as her club to bit him over the head with. That could last until the kid is too old for child-support! She wants to wreck your/his relationship, and she knows his temper. So she wears on his nerves and pushes those buttons on the other end. He brings home hell! You push the buttons on this end, and "thar she blows!!!" He's pissed at every female in North America! Because he didn't cover his johnson when he wanted to have sex!!! Does he use them now?
He didn't suddenly develop this temper. You're making an excuse for him. Normal couple arguments my eye! He always has these tantrums. Now he's got two lit matches chasing his fuse. You, and his baby's mama! I'm sorry, but if you have a man like that; you're not as calm as you claim. You're just as irritated and frustrated that he barks at you. You also get angry like anyone else would. What are you trying so hard to discuss? You think you can talk him into changing? This is the time for handing down ultimatums!
Screaming with rage is abusive, and it is a form of violence, my dear!
We all get angry and yell sometimes. Not in a rage! That's scary! Red-faced screaming, is one step away from a slap or a punch! Or, getting the whole room turned upside down! Neighbors hear it, and they will only tolerate it for so long; before they start to worry about you. They'll call the police if you wont. Then what?
You are sitting on a powder keg. He will eventually raise a hand to you. If he hasn't already, and/or you've neglected to say so. That much rage turns into physical violence eventually. He needs to hit something. You're who he takes out his frustrations on. I don't care how calm you are, that doesn't have anything to do with his problem with anger and aggression. He doesn't care to listen to you, and it's all about him. It's not your fault, but you do pluck his last and final nerve. He's got his back to the wall. In his mind, he's caught between two nagging women, and he wants to run. Eventually, he may do just that. He's on edge!
It's time to kick him out. No, if's, and's or buts! He has closed you off, and turned you into his whipping post. If you open your mouth, he will shout you down to shut you down; or to shut you up! If you don't watch out, you will catch him on a really bad day. When you said you had to walk on eggshells; that's a sure indication that he's a ticking time-bomb.
When you kick jerks out for this kind of behavior; they suddenly turn into sweet pathetic crybabies. it's an act. He'll play on your sympathies, and suddenly he'll want to talk. That means nothing. He's got a brier up his ass, and it's his baby's mama; and that kid he doesn't want. Now you're trying to discuss "the relationship." You left out all the good parts. You knew there was a situation between him and his ex, but you needed a man. All that rage didn't build-up over night! You've seen it lots of times before! All sorts of reasons he gets pissed! Rage is a culmination of a lot of hostility and pent-up frustration.
There's no sense in holding onto a man in his late 30's or 40's who behaves like that. He will not change, and by the time he does, look at all the time that you'll have to sit on pins and needles waiting! Maybe even end-up getting hit!
Who cares why he has so much rage? The fact that he has it means he should be out on his ass; until he figures out how to extinguish it. He robs you of peace and tranquility. That's more than enough reason to send him packing. Unless you're afraid his ex would be glad to see that. Pride is no reason to be putting up with this bullsh*t. You're talking to yourself and the wall. How does that make you feel?
How long can you carefully pick and choose your words; so not to set him off? Gets harder and harder, doesn't it?
How you must long for some peace in your life! No more baby-mama drama! Don't even wait for anger-management counseling, it doesn't always work anyway. Most play it cool only until they can get out of it, and revert to their old ways.
She'll be waiting on the other end to undo whatever progress he makes. Child-support is not the reason for his rage. It's because he's an assh*le. Face it!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 August 2015):
 1. Accept that you CAN NOT change a man who DO NOT wish to change. Change is something HE has to want. And he doesn't want to change. It's his way or the high way.
2. His ex isn't the reason. HE made a child... HE pays child support. While it doesn't SUIT him (as his attitude is his way or the high way, he probably doesn't think he SHOULD pay.) But he MADE a child, he PAYS child support. She doesn't SET the amount, the courts do. Based on his income. Now if she created "other drama" he needs to ACT like a grown man and NOT use you as his verbal punching bag.
3. Offense is the best Defense. That is how he works. By screaming and trying to intimidate you, you are less likely to "discuss" anything that can cause unrest in the house. Which means you walk on eggshells around your OWN house.
I live with a veteran who suffers from (among other things PTSD ). He has very little patience and do (thankfully seldom) explode from time to time. He KNOWS what will happen when he does. I will WALK away. I will NOT engage. So all he really has... is himself standing there screaming or yelling at... no one. I have found removing myself from him, works the best. Because IF he wants to talk, he KNOWS he has to tone it down. Specially if he goes off over something at work or whatever. I'm NOT the child, he is NOT the adult. He also know that I WILL listen to him if he talks to me without the yelling. I am not his verbal punching bag. I REFUSE. We don't argue much, never really have. We don't agree on everything, but I think we both know to "pick" our battles. THAT is how adults adult.. I mean how adults handle disagreements.
Personally, that would be the end for me. If you have tried to tell him to NOT scram at you and he keeps doing it.. I'd show him the door.
VERBAL abuse (which is what he is doing) often spills over in PHYSICAL abuse. Because people who have a hard time either articulating or have an argument without blowing their tops can get so frustrated that they will hit. First it will be inanimate objects like a wall, door etc, but at some point.. it CAN be their partner.
How are thing going to be better if you can't even bring it up?
And maybe, JUST maybe.. the ex isn't creating all this dram, HE is. After all you see how is around you... You think he is/was any better around her?
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