A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. When we first started dating he dropped hints about being very intense and mentioned that his parents used to tell him not to be mean as a child. I didn't understand because he seemed so laid back, warm and gentle. Things were perfect for about two months.Around two months he changed. Suddenly he didn't want to snuggle or talk to me in the morning. He doesn't want to be inimate as much either. He is so cold sometimes when I just want a hug or to feel special. If I try to talk about our relationship he gets very defensive and on edge. He often raises his voice and can't stay calm.He admits he has problems, but never when they are happening. Sometimes he makes me feel like it is my fault, but I know it isn't. He is obsessively particular about his hose ad how things are done and is not very flexible. One day I was folding his clothes that I washed for him and he snapped and tol me I was folding them in te wrong place. I thought he'd just say thank you! Also, once he called me an idiot for doing something that was clearly me trying to help. He got angry with me for getting upset and said that it was totally a joke and told me I was over sensitive.Tonight I tried to talk to him. He was folding clothes ad moving all around. I didn't feel like he cared. I asked him to please sit down and he just said no. I hurt because I love him, but lately I've been crying sp much. He is going to go see a therapist, but I wonder if he's just a cold person at heart recently. He is not very calm and he doesn't talk back when I offer helpful suggestions but just says I critisize him too much. I am a warm person and I miss feeling special and wanted sexually. I feel like I truly love him, but he is not as affectionate and nice and it confuses me. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on egg shells in his house, worried I'm going to do something the wrong way or put something in the wrong place.Please help me. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): I was the guy who was overly crtical and pushed the best person i have ever met right out of my life. I realized after the relationship ended that I needed to get some help on my own before I could be in a committed relationship. I went to see a therapist and she really opend my eyes to many things about myself. I was expecting too much from people and constantly setting myself up for disappointment..not a good thing. There are always two sided to a story though..in my relationship (at least in my head) , I felt like I was putting a lot emotionally into it..I would get mad or be crtical at little things b/c I wasn't feeling the big things from the person I loved..I did the same thing with t he laudry! she folded some of my clothes, but they weren't even washed yet! she thought she was helping, but i opened my mouth and said i mean i know your being thoughtful, but if you want to help, you have to do it semi-right! I just felt like she was doing it to please me and rushing, ect and didn't put much thought into it..she reacted "well hey, at least i tried"..that always stuck in my head..see in my mind, it showed a lack of caring..i'm still trying to sort some stuff out, but i know i have to become a more accepting person..it's not that a significant other should be able to do whatever they want, it's that there is a right way and a wrong way to say things to someone..i have learned that..i lost the best person i have ever known b/c of it and i hurt everyday..only thing i could do was change myself and hope it never happens again
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (7 January 2010):
 Sweetheart you say he is going to see a therapist soon but you don't say for what reason?
He does have issues and unless these are resolved you will NEVER come up to his expectations.
I think you were originally in the honeymoon period of a relationship and after that things started to get into the mundane aspect of a relationship and that is what he is finding it hard to deal with.
You say about being in his house so I assume you live together? However, if you moved into his house, then you are playing by his rules and whilst you remain there it will always be that way.
If however, you don't live together, then I think that is a good thing. Do you have family nearby to you that you could stay with for now whilst he sorts himself out?
I just think you could probably both do with some space and if you are not around to blame all the time then he may be able to resolve the problems he has and not hold you accountable all the time.
It really isn't easy to live around someone like that and I should know, I lived with someone for almost 20 years and it was hell. However, we had a child together and I vowed that our child would not suffer and that was what was finally the wake up call for me. He was also seeing and talking to someone else behind my back and I didn't suspect anything for such a long time but I knew we had grown apart, partly to do with me having had severe postnatal depression and he just wanted strong enough to deal with it so I felt very alone.
Do you think there is any possibility that he has met anyone else and is just not able to tell you the truth?
I just wonder as he seems as though he is constantly pushing you away and sometimes people do that rather than telling someone the truth, like I can no longer be in this relationship with you?
I am not trying to cause problems but I think you need to consider every option here.
You cannot continue to live like this as it is obviously making you feel extremely insecure and you probably feel like no one loves you and if someone tells you that you are an 'IDIOT' or you are constantly doing things wrong, eventually you start to believe them even if it is not the case but your self confidence by this point is at zero and it takes a lot of time and effort and the person who has constantly criticised you to not be around so that you can gradually rebuild your life and your confidence levels.
Keep us posted but also tell yourself every day that this is NOT you and you need to dig deep inside of yourself and find that inner strength that is there and tell yourself that you are not going to continue to be treated like this and things need to change no matter how much he shouts or verbally abuses you.
Stay calm and tell him you can't put up with this any more and if he does decide to get the help he needs then maybe you will consider some couple counselling together to see if there is anything to salvage from this relationship or not, but until he starts to acknowledge that he has problems, you are not going to be his verbal punching bag any more, you deserve better than that.
You are still young so stop wasting your life and make your own choices now.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
P.S. Believe in yourself and don't believe what he is telling you OK.
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A
female
reader, LaPointe  +, writes (7 January 2010):
Walk away.I mean, you could wait around to see if the therapy thing pans out. But that might really damage your self-esteem.If I were you, I would say "I really love you, but if you're going to behave this way I can't be with you. I understand that you are getting help, and if/when you improve I would be glad to reevaluate but for now, I think we both need some space."And be honest about it. Be willing to be his friend, but also take some time to yourself - as a single person - to evaluate if you really feel like this is a relationship you want to subject yourself to. I think it would be important to do that outside of the relationship. Maybe not even leave the relationship,if you're not comfortable with that, but take a trip by yourself, get a week or more just to you. And if you decide you want the relationship after you've seen if you feel like you miss him or you're relieved not to be crying or have all that presure, you can decide to go back or to leave. It isn't your job to fix him. Your only job is to protect yourself. If you feel like you're walking on eggshells, you can't be happy. Love should make you grow, not shrink in fear.
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