A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, would love some advice as this issue has gotten to bad its tearing me apart.A few months ago I was a single mum with a one year old. Then a friend ive known for years came into the picture and long story short we moved in with him. I gave up my lone parents allowance, my house, moved away from my family, and gave up my part time job to be with him. Things were great at first, he was sweet and attentive and caring, but the last few months its like hes been in a constant bad mood. constantly tired. He wont spend any time with me, we dont have sex anymore, he's depressed basically. We had a massive row about it recently and now its like hes given up. He doesnt even want to be helped. He doesnt show any interest in making this relationship work and it makes me feel extremely hurt and angry because I gave up my whole life because he promised me he would take care of us and we would be happy. But now hes just not even trying. I dont know what to do. I'm virtually going to be homeless and this man has hurt me more than I can say. Hes been like a dad to my son and now he's just turning around and telling me he cant be bothered. I dont know how to cope anymore, I feel so cheated and stupid for falling for it, because now my son and I have nothing. How do I deal with this situation when he is so rigid and inflexible? any advice is appreciated. I'm so lost and afraid.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 March 2014):
 iAmHereToHelpYou put it so well, as a single mom you can't give up your independence of a job & home, you NEED to be able to take care of you and your child.
I would move in with family and reapply for housing and look for a job ASAP - and I would do it in the area where YOUR family (if they help out AT ALL) are at, so you HAVE a support net.
My guess is he LIKED the idea of being a little family, til he actually tried it. ONCE he was hit by reality HIS true character came out and it wasn't pretty.
THIS is not the kind of man you need to be around your son. You know the saying monkey see, monkey do? Kids learn from observing the adults around them, emulation them, copying them. That is why good role-models are important. THIS guy... isn't one.
A
female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (21 March 2014):
 You are young and you made an error in judgment hoping for the best with someone who seemed great. We all make mistakes. He is not emotionally stable and not doing anything to get better. Your son needs positive influences and you need to be in a stable, happy situation to properly nurture your son. Call your family and ask if you can move in temporarily and do whatever you need to do to convince them you need temporary assistance, including apologizing for any moment when you may have offended them going against their advice. Then work hard, make some sacrifices and recreate an independent lifestyle for yourself and take time to check out the next man who comes into your life. You are worth it! Best wishes to you!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 March 2014):
How about you work on getting back what you had and going to your old life. In the future giving up everything for someone when you first start dating really isn't a good idea, no matter how nice it sounds or what they promise you.
Your child will be fine, too, this guy isn't "like a father" if he's only been in the picture a few months.
FYI, this is an issue of compatibility; you guys aren't compatible and so you shouldn't take this personally.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (21 March 2014):
You have made a mistake. You need to take care of you and your son. The only person that owes anything to you is YOU.
This is hard and I get it. If he is not taking any interest in you or your son. You are wasting your time. Move on. Don't let your son learn that this type of behaviour is ok. Don't let your son learn that you are not a fighter! Dust yourself off and stand tall.
Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): By the way if he says he can't be bothered anymore to raise your child with you - then why should you bother to stay with him?? just a thought.
Get him to move out if you can, you can then go back on lone parents - just re-apply to it. They will interview you again and look at your means and when they see you have less money will hopefully give you some sort of support. Won't be much but better than nothing. It may be an upsetting process but remember this is just a temporary predicament but if it helps you get back to normality and give you some sort of income for your child to get by on then why not. I mean he is not even supporting you financially or emotionally so why invest any more time in him..its up to you obviously..but I would show him the door sorry!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): Why does he need to take care of you and your son? ?You made the fatal mistake of relying on some man. Its not his child and your not his wife. You were looking to play family, when it got stale ad tiering he checked out. He's not depressed, he just doesn't want this life with you and your child anymore. You need to depend on yourself- get a career, be financially independent and never put yourself in a position like that unless you are married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): Hey hey hun hugs...breathe - its not as bad as you may thing!! Just so you know what your options are - I know you may not want to hear any of this but its better that you know how it is here -- if you decide to break up with him now that you are clearly unhappy with him -- you can go back onto lone parent's allowance which sadly you only now get till the child hits 7 years of age - it used to be until they were 18 but since the Budget that sadly changed to 7. You can get child benefit and now that you have no job may be able to apply for a medical card to help you with medical bills etc. Right now you are feeling utterly devastated - do not let this cloud your judgement. I know it feels like a divorce - right? even though its not. Like you, I have been there and sadly done that. Its horrible. Don't feel trapped. Get yourself accommodation fast, pick your chin up - heart off the floor and move on the quicker the better - I know its easier said than done but v possible - you might find something good on daft.ie for accommodation - maybe you moving on to a new place with your young child is a blessing - I know you are hurt from his change of behavior but like what one lady said here better to find out now than later. You don't have to put up with his moods. You don't need the drama. If you move on now from him before your child is 2 years of age it will be much easier - the longer you stay with him the more your child will become attached to him and you don't want your child to end up getting hurt by your break up, right? it will get easier. Doing it alone - is a hard adjustment at first but sometimes a necessary step to finding true happiness. I take it he is a step dad?? Just next time you pick a partner you will be much more fussier!! now that you have a child it changes the dating process too a lot. P.S I was a single mother of 1 who had this happen to her too and now have 3 kids and a great partner...hope I have helped!
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A
female
reader, KimPossiblee +, writes (20 March 2014):
 Hi,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Must be hard since it seem as if you devoted your life to him, Well good news is, its not to late to back out. I understand as good as it sounds when a man tells you he will take care of you and your son, Let me say this, DON'T ever fall for it again. Men seem to say anything a woman wants to hear. The truth is we have to be smart and independent regardless of any relationship we involve ourselves into. Its just a pride thing. Men would respect you more, and when something like this happens, you know you got your own going on so no need to think its the end of the world. First thing I would tell you is to drop this fool, take your kid back to your family and get back on your feet. DEFINITELY take this as a lesson learned and learning experience. Youre a mother now take care of responsibility and show your son what a great role you can be with or without a daddy figure. GOOD LUCK!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): You must focus on moving, back home if possible, you made a mistake, but sounds like it was good to find out sooner rather than later.
He is treating you cruelly and badly and before you and your child suffer any more, get out of there, and start the hard process of re building your life. Ask for help, and if you burnt bridges with your family, re build them for the sake of your child. Don't put off what you know needs to be done, be strong. Your young enough to have the life and relationship you deserve. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): thank you for your response x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 March 2014):
I would strongly look at how you can move back towards family. Maybe he is depressed, but some abusive men are known to kind of 'reel you in' before showing their true colours. You've obviously talked to him about it, and he doesn't want to change and isn't interested. My advice is to make plans to simply move back home. It's better to make those plans now, rather than wait around much longer. You and your son deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014): You have just learnt, that you need to 'rely on yourself' in future while with this man. If this man can help make you feel so insecure, when you gave up your previous life to share his, he really is not good for you while you raise a small child. Please don't feel frightened you can begin again without him.
Although I can not offer you practical advice (I am sure some Aunts and Uncles can).
Good Luck and please stay strong ( not as scary as you think, rebuilding your life can be exciting).
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