A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband is in jail for domestic violence and going to get deported. When I visit him he calls me names and threatens me and makes comments about other women in the room to try and make me feel jealous. After the visit he will call me and apologize and say he says all them things because he is away from me. But he was like this before he went in jail. I start counselling next week as he is affecting my health and making me depressed. Does anyone have any advice about why he is doing this to me?
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depressed, in jail, jealous, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (21 March 2014):
 The short answer is, because he is abusive and you allow him to treat you like that by continuing to visit him. He's in jail and he's facing deportation. Two perfect excuses to get a divorce and never contact him again. Let everything you say to him from now on be said through a lawyer, and change your phone number so that he can't contact you.
Focus on the counselling.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 March 2014):
 He is an abuser, THAT is who he is. He rips you to shreds and then apologizes to make YOU feel sorry for him. Manipulation.
I would seriously get up and walk out next time and let him know you aren't coming back to see him.
HE is seriously affecting your mental health and well being, so why do you keep going to see him? Why not file for divorce? He is leaving the country for good anyways, correct?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 March 2014):
 Because he's an abuser and a shitty man. That's why.
Being in an abusive relationship, both physically and emotionally, is extremely damaging to ones mental health. It's definitely a good thing you're starting counseling.
If this man is in jail for domestic violence against you, which is the logical assumption (unless it was against any of your children, which would be worse), than this man is clearly not a good guy.
Stop trying to understand why he does it and just get away from him. He's not a good guy and you deserve better.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 March 2014):
Because he's crazy. If I was you I'd stop visiting him and move on with your life.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): It is the typical behavior of an abusive man with anger-management issues. He has no control of his temper, he reacts in the moment without thought or remorse; and doesn't care about the consequences of his actions until he cools off.
He's an animal. He has damaged and tortured you, and jail and deportation is a perfect solution. He would not leave on his own, and nor would you. Heaven has saved you, and I hope and pray you have a complete recovery.
There is no reason or explanation for men like that. There are a lot of excuses and psycho-babble. It's just plain evil.
He apologizes only when he realizes you may never return.
He is alone and caged like the animal he is. He realizes only too late that once you go, that may be the last time he sees you. He knows your weakened state of mind will make you feel sorry for him and come back.
Let the last time you saw his evil face, be the last time.
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A
female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (21 March 2014):
 Sorry to hear that the person you love and are married to is in jail for domestic violence. I am assuming he got violent with you and the police were informed and he was arrested. Since he is here illegally or with an expired visa or on a conditional visa, he will be deported, it seems. I know this is sad for you. The trauma bond is such a strong bond...it can be such a warm, cozy feeling during the reconciliation (make-up) phase and there is not any feeling like that. It is powerful and addictive. The problem is that abusers who get physical can do horrendous things...they can scar your face and body for life, they can mutilate you, ruin your teeth, and destroy your self-esteem. He does it because he has a sickness. It is something he needs help controlling but he is not getting that help and there is no telling if he would respond to help if he got it. It takes an incredibly strong, smart and determined person to overcome a violent nature when there is that addictive quality to it that exists in abusive relationships. He would have to have a great deal of empathy and be willing to look within himself to examine his driving forces and understand that he has faults. If he always blames his behavior on circumstances or other people or anything outside of him, he is probably not the type who could recover and change into a nonviolent person. I sincerely wish you the best as you get professional counseling and heal from this and move forward. You are not alone. Blessings.
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