A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I wonder if I should be upset? My bday was two days ago. I turned 25, everyone was very lovely to me and I am alive, healthy and happy. On the other hand for my birthday my boyfriend wrote me an email congratulating me. His gift? A lingerie set from ebay that cost him less than 10 bucks and was more of a visual gift for HIMSELF than me! The quality and color of the lingerie were awful, and it was noticeable it was cheap. I was graceful adn thanked him anyways... We did not go for dinner or anything he aid he was too tired and went to sleep early. My boyfriend does well financially and he spends more than that on games, gaming accessories, and stuff for himself. Two weeks ago he spent over 400 clothes for himself. So he does not suffer from money problems. I wont be a hypocrite and say I did not expect anything, because after 4 years I DID expect something, because he was always so thoughtful on earlier years!!I thought he might have something planned (dinner, or stay home and watch movies...) but nope. I'm still perplexed as why he was so... cheap... and so thoughtless about his gift. In 4 years this is the first time he has been like this, he always gets me my favorite flowers, and is usually very attentive to what I might want and works very hard to find the perfect gift.This time the gift seems more for himself, and it was so cheap , he just did not seem to care. It was even a color that he KNOWS I absolutely HATE for lingerie and I have said so...Also, I buy and use VERY sexy lingerie and costumes to be with him, all the time and I use sexy panties and bras daily. (No granny panties) So, I doubt he was doing it to encourage me because I wear very nice lingerie and garters/stockings/babydolls to bed with him. I just feel very disheartened at his thoughtlessness...MAybe I'm immature... :( Would you be sad? upset? What do I do? Say anything?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 November 2012):
 Ah, didn't see your follow-up until after I posted.
"He said he wanted to get me something more personal for US that I will feel sexy in and not a kid's gift or flowers like every year."
I was right about this one, his intentions were good and to just spice things up. If a boyfriend ever gave me underwear I wouldn't think it was just for him, I love sexy lingerie and I take such a gift to mean he loves my body, wants to see me naked, and thinks I'm a sexy vixen. I think it'd be hot to get lingerie. But, I guess, it's not every girls cup of tea. However, he can't know that. Guys don't think it's just for them, like your boyfriend said, he thought it was for the both of you.
Linegrie from a guy does NOT mean he sees you as just sex. If you were just sex you'd be his FWB, not his girlfriend. Apply logics and don't get carried away, it's ridiculous that he'd see you just as sex after 4 years of a relationship with you. 4 years as casual sex buddies, then yes, the gift would mean you're just sex. But 4 years of a committed relationship and lingerie means: you're still the hottest woman I know of and you turn me on.
As for his TASTE in lingerie.. guy's don't have a clue. If he was to get you something delicate he'd require help from another woman. And do you really want other women to pick out lingerie for you together with your boyfriend? Maybe not. So just be happy the lingerie was tacky, just proves it was HIS choice, and not the choice of another woman.
But, why was it not wrapped? That is the big question here. The wrapping. I underline the importance of the wrapping.
As for not WRAPPING it... That's what I'd get fuzzy about. What was his reasons for not wrapping it? It is not a gift unless wrapped.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 November 2012):
I'll have to tell you to suck it up. I had a boyfriend once who's gift to me was a DVD. How romantic. Typical last minute thing you get at the gas station. At least it was wrapped up. When I was a child my father and aunt would just give me their gift in a plastic bag from the grocery shop with a ribbon tied around it, price tag still on and all. That's truly lovely. Because of this, I've learned to apprechiate by far more the WRAPPING of a gift than the actual content. Anyone can go out and buy you something, but whether they wrapped it or not means a lot more in my book. I won't accept unwrapped gifts unless there's a good excuse.
Or what about he just put some money into your bank account? Happy birthday, now you can go buy yourself something expensive? Lets face it, it isn't about the money, it isn't really about the gift either. If he put some energy into it then that's what matters. If he actually got you a gift, and wrapped it, then I say don't pay attention to the actual content. It's the thought that matters, always.
And, for most guys I know, fidning perfect gifts is something they absolutely have no clue how to do. My boyfriend settled on gift cards from my favourite cosmetics shop. I'm more than happy with that, because I know he has no idea what to get me (and I love the expensive make-up and perfumes), and with such a gift card I feel I can spend money on exactly what I want, rather than use the money to pay a bill (my dad just transfers money to my account, no card, no wrapping...). Maybe I'm weird, but I really really like the gift cards, I'll be disappointed if I don't get one this Christmas.
Then again, maybe that's your entire problem. You got used to getting favourite flowers etc, and then now they're gone. Maybe you should ask him what's up? My bet is he didn't realize how much you actually liked the "routine" and thought he should change it up this year out of fear of boring you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 November 2012):
 I'm TWICE you age and honestly I still expect a gift. It doesn't HAVE to be expensive for me, but I would prefer if it was something for ME not anyone else, if you know what I mean.
Hopefully he will make it up to you. Maybe you two need to set rules for how much to spend? that way neither of you will feel like you are "over or under - giving".
And there is nothing childish about flowers. .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): @HoneyPie Thank you for your response! He travels to see his family this afternoon, So there is no dinner sadly, I was thinking maybe thats what he planned but no. He went to sleep early the whole week saying he needs tobe up early for the gym.
I also keep an amazon wish list :) I shwed it to him to help him with gift buying a month ago. All the times were reasonably priced and I would have loved any of them... but It did not help him :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): Also, he buys online games and stuff for him that costs so much more than what he got me, and he gets himself nice stuff, In fact he gave me $100 to buy his cat,...cat toys. He had a vacation of over two weeks (about a week ago) so I know that he had free time... So it just boiled down to him not even thinking about it...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): Hello everyone, thank you for your great responses...
I do feel it was more of a gift for himself...
Two years ago he forgot to get me an Xmas gift , but he went out with me and we bought very nice things for his family (including step mother and other extended family)
He has gotten me flowers and such before, last year he got me diffrent things from a designer he knows I love, I thought it was thoughtful...so he gives nice gifts usually and this is the 2nd or 3rd time he has not even put an effort to it.
The relationship is okay, nnot perfect , but okay. We got busy with work onthe summer and we both make efforts to spend more time with each other... He says he is happy and keeps saying hwo much he loves me.
His response was that he was sorry I did not like my gift. I think he saw my face sink a little even if I tried my best to hide my sadness... He said he wanted to get me something more personal for US that I will feel sexy in and not a kid's gift or flowers like every year. Then he said he was sorry for being tasteless...
I'm just so disappointed.. I understand at my age I should not be expecting gifts! But everyone does expect SOME effort! A dinner, some nice words, a flowers, maybe even a card...Not the item itself, but the effort :( I even pointed at a $15 dollar item and said "Baby,if you get this for my bday I would be so happy!" I'm an easy to please girl... honest. I just feel like maybe he just sees me as sex and so his gift his torwards his pleasure.
I would not have minded if maybe t was a complimnetary gift...or maybe if he had at least wrapped it. I got it straight from the Chinese supplier from ebay. :(
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 November 2012):
I would be miffed too. I can in a way understand if he didn't do anything as far as dinner out, I would honestly wait til Fri/Sat to do so, rather then during the work-week BUT I would SURELY let my partner know that something WAS planned for the upcoming Fri/Sat.
Buying a $10 lingerie on Ebay is crappy. It might be a little more expensive in stores, but the thing is he got NOTHING for YOU. The lingerie was not for you. That was for him, I agree with you there.
My husband is the WORST gift giver, so after about 10 years of various vacuums, steam-cleaner, rice cooker presents (and yes, these were for my birthday or anniversary) I finally told him - look I know that we could use a new "insert gadget for the house" but it would be nice if you thought of something I would enjoy and treasure, instead of always getting a"practical" gift. So, these days I have a "wish list" on Amazon - that he can access and get inspiration or down right ideas for what to get. And it helped a lot. I have made him make one too.
I will agree with Old bag as well in her question about the relationship, has it been going OK lately?
I would also be honest with him. Sit him down and tell him, honey I'm disappointed in the effort you put into my birthday. Otherwise he thinks all is golden and he will continue to be more and more lazy when it comes to wooing you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): Oldbags question is good one OP, if the relationship has been great in general then this is a slip up and one you should discuss with him.
If it's been rocky then this may well be a sign he's not that bothered but again talking it out is necessary.
OP personally I'm utterly horrible with gifts for my girlfriend. Although I do understand that lingerie is not a gift for a woman it's more a gift for us guys, you'd be surprized how many guys don't get that, so it's something you probably need to explain to yours.
I'm so bad at giving gifts OP that nowadays my girlfriend orders her own gift from me online using my card and this year for example I didn't even find out what it was until it arrived. It was a Star Wars pez set and a yellow light sabre to go with the princess Leia bikini she has.
It's not that I'm thoughtless OP, I make a big deal out of her day, we go for meals with our families, massages, go for drinks with friends, have parties at our house. When it comes to gift giving I give crap gifts, things she doesn't like. We even tried a hints thing were she would hint at what she wanted, I got it wrong. The next stage was her actually showing me exactly what she wanted, I'd get the wrong size or something. So now she just grabs my card and buys her own gift from me.
My point is OP he's probably just crap at gift giving and got it right the other times sheerly due to luck, maybe this was for him a way of making an effort and he just failed.
Just talk to him and be honest, ask him what was up with it but don't be too vociferous about it in terms of the price or anything, just tell him you feel he didn't even really bother.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012): I understand that you are upset, but really he did look for a gift and in his head when he bought it he probly had a whole scene playout. Which in his head he thought "yes this will make a very romantic gift" He is telling you that he love your body and my have had plans of pampering you sexually. But it never worked that way because you were so dissapointed in the gift.
I have to tell you he at least put more thought into your gift than my husband did for my 25th birthday, I got a can of coke and a flake bar. That was all.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 November 2012):
 I think the last question in oldbag's post is the most important.
I mean, if this is the only and first slip up, let it go, after all he did remember to give you a gift, even if not of your liking, and to send you birthday wishes . Who knows, maybe thea day he ordered your gift he was tired, busy or preoccupied, or he had a toothache or whatnot. Everybody has their moments of " it seemed a good idea at the time ". Maybe he chose lingerie for you precisely because he knows you are a lingerie buff,- and I don't know many men who excel at choosing lingerie.
Then again, EVERY change,positive or negative, from a pattern or routine does mean something. Man is a creature of habit , and when we make changes, even apparently irrelevant as stopping patronizing Starbucks in favour of another coffee place.... there's always a new thought or a new need behind.
So, if a bf that for the last 4 years has always been caring, giving, doting all of a sudden turns into a self absorbed skinflint for no reason at all, you can be sure that instead there IS a reason behind.
But, one single episode is just an accident, not a changed pattern. So... wait and see.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (10 November 2012):
 Hi
He didn't put much effort in did he.In his defence though if you buy off Ebay you can't tell the quality till it arrives and as you wear nice undies he probably thought you would like and use the gift.
Maybe he was distracted and didn't have the time to plan something,busy and tired with work perhaps.Or maybe he's losing interest and just did not want to put the effort in as he has in the past.
Birthday gift asside hows the relationship in general been lately?
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