A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Thanks for taking the time to read my question!Well, there's a somewhat emotional issue I've been trying to deal with over the last couple months that has been bugging me quite a bit...and it's gotten better, but I thought maybe some of you guys could give me a word of advice to get through this.I'm in a relationship, and to put it simple, it's simply great. We're both very happy to be together, love each other to pieces and are excited to see what the future holds for us. As a couple, we get along great and whenever any kind of issue arises we've been very successful at talking things through without making a big fuss out of things.This has been the first relationship that I have completely fallen in love, so all those emotions are a bit new to me...and they came with some surprises..I've come to realize that I become very attached, and I am well aware of that.I believe a certain amount of attachment is normal, but not to the extent that I have become.Although I am very attached, I make sure I'm not clingy, or obsessive, I try hard to keep it under control and give my guy his space and so far it has worked pretty well.My guy isn't aware of my attachment to him, because I try hard to keep it from getting out of hand... I do realize that obsessive relationships are not healthy, and want to get this internal mess dealt with.So in other words, I have obsessive URGES, but I manage to keep myself from acting on them.However, it has come to the point that it all builds up as anxiety in me, and that can really drain me out.My attachment isn't just being attached- it's more of a fear of being left. A fear, I think, that might have been caused by some childhood trauma because of my parents divorce and my dad not being part of my life.So, I understand WHY I am attached, but I am still clueless about how to deal with all the emotions.I believe that if I work on it, it's something I can get over so I don't turn into an anxious wreck...but I am not sure how to.What are some ways I could work on it?Thanks in advance :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): Okay first of all.. OH MY GOD.. I'm in the EXACT position as you. My parents divorced when I was 12. The boyfriend I'm with is the first boyfriend to ever make me fall in love and now I feel too attached to him. I can't stop thinking about him. I want to be with him all the time. Im always worried I'm gonna do something wrong to make him angry with me and then eventually leave him. I'm actually afraid I love him TOO much. I want to be able to do what I want to do without thinking about him all the time. I mean I love him and I don't want to stop thinking about him or loving him, but I know I'm getting too attached and I need to stop. I, too, know I have a problem and I hold it back from showing that to my bf. And I try not to make any big deals when he doesnt text me back or something. But I know this attachment is there and I tired of all these worried emotions I feel. I actually feel better now that I know I'm not the only one out there thats going through something like this. From what I've seen so far with other people, they suggest that we should get a hobbie or find something else that will occupy our minds. We need to do that and I know its gonna be hard. But I dont wanna go on continuing this feeling of great attachment. I don't want to be obsessive. I want to be apart of his life and have my own too. We just gotta find somet time for ourselves I guess.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): well my GF is having the same problem as you and i'm really facing a lot of problems with understanding her and trusting her, you better trust him if you love him and don't hide behind your scared feelings good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): hi, i read your post with interest actually. im alot older than you, but from my very first relationship went through many fears with abandonment issues. At the time i did not know what was wrong with me, i just thought i was 'clingy'. It did get out of control, where if my boyfriend at the time went out with his male friends, id cause an argument, or ring him during the evening hassling him and this was a pattern that repeated itself for years. Like you say, this does build up alot of anxiety, and i ended up going to my doctor, and i was privalaged to find a therapist, who was not only young, but was able to tell me exactly what the problem was, and it was a fear of being abandoned, whether it be related to something in your childhood or not, alot of people go through it but dont realise what is going on. Now im fine, and learn how to cope, if my partner has to go out, or go to lunch with his team at work, and i work through it. i do sympathise with you, but its really good that you have recognised this early on, a very mature approach. !!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): Hey there,Reading your question, i realised you sound alot like me. Im around your age and have a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend who i adore, yet realise myself i may to too attached.I dont show this to him but feel somewhat lost at times when i am not with him. Sometimes my mind wanders into thinking of bad situations where maybe his not doing what he says he is etc and i kind of just snap myself out of it and think hey, i love him, he loves me. stop it!The best advice i have got coming from being in the same situation is make sure your friends, family and hobbies are still a big part of your life. Try not to ever hold back your guy from his "boys nights" kind of thing and hobbies and never be obsessive with calls/texts when you dont see him. A bit of time apart here and there is a healthy relationship and personally i have found that doing something different here and there without him will just make you even more excited for the next time you see him.good luck with it, i hope this helps a little :)
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (23 September 2010):
 well you're three steps ahead so that's good. You admit that you have a problem, you already try to control that problem and you know where it comes from.
This alone will help your relationship. Maybe you could talk to your boyfriend about this? you don't have to bring it up in a way that may freak him out, but perhaps tell him about your childhood.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (23 September 2010):
 It depends on what sort of urges you get. If you have an urge to hold him when he's near, there really isn't much of a problem. If you have an urge to constantly call him and know where he is, I suggest you limit yourself to a certain amount of calls. Set limits for yourself and be mindful of your urges. When they grow too strong, allow yourself to act on them once. This is my suggestion, see if it works for you.
I hope that helps.
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