A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi there. im really in some trouble here. I recently posted on here about my ex girlfriend who died three years ago. im really starting to have some trouble. she appears in my dreams more frequently now more than ever. I've been reverting to the bottle quite often. im scared shitless to even face this sober. I fear that if im sober ill have to face it. last night I broke up with my girlfriend cuz I couldn't stop thinking about my ex. if you havnt read my last, my ex was hit by a drunk driver and was thrown from the vehicle and killed on impact. her mom calls me each year to remind me its my fault. im hurting real bad. I can't bring myself to seek help. im using alcohol too try sooth me. someone please I don't know what to do. I can't cry, for some reason I push friends away who only want to help. I just ignore them. I can't bring myself to ask for help from them. I can't be weak. please tell me what should I do? im completely frightened of the phone call coming tomorrow. I see her in my dreams and im on my knees apologizing to her and she is just staring at me crying and that kills me. I was supposed to protect her. I failed. how do I cope with that? its overwhelming! what do I do?
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male
reader, ToMDoTTCoM  +, writes (27 April 2010):
Mate, I'm 15, my girlfriend died yesterday. She was raped and died in hospital shortly after. (Anybody that says you can't have a meaningful relationship at my age is naive, she was my world)
It's the hardest thing that I've ever had to cope with, and I don't think there will ever be anything worse that will happen to me in my lifetime.
You need to accept the fact that you are upset, and not hide it away. It wouldnt be surprising if it takes months upon months, but it will be a good kind of sadness. You get to remember all the things you did together.
It doesn't matter what she was like, she would be so proud of you. Good luck, man.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): Listen to me carefully. I am a guy, and have a drinking problem. No matter how much you love her she does NOT want you to drink yourself to death....if anything at all she is watching and NOT happy about what you are doing. YOU are choosing to drink when all she would want you to do is go on! Thats what she would want and for her sake go to AA. She would know you love her more if you went to AA, and continued your life. Is that not what you want it you were the one who died instead. Push yourself, she is telling you to right now in black and white!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): Oh sweety, I posted to your question last time, my brother was killed 3 years ago in a car accident. I know similarly how you feel, it's not exactly the same. But I too have night terrors about his death and have tried to drink it away for 3 years. It is scary as hell and hurts worse than anything you'll ever experience in life. But please trust me drinking is only making it worse. When you sober up (and you have to eventually) the problems will still be there. I too pushed all my friends and family away, it's a defense mechanism because you don't want to be vulnerable and show weakness and open up and actually admit that this is real and she is gone and you are hurting. You HAVE to talk to someone though and if you don't want to talk to your friends find a stranger, even one of us maybe, and just talk. Keeping it all inside will only kill you slowly and I can guarantee that is NOT what she would want. Her family is immature and awful for trying to blame you, it is not your fault, they are hurting and they just want someone to blame, deep down they know it's not your fault. You can't be with people 24/7, you can't control every aspect of everyone's lives and sometimes things are just out of your control, horrible things like this. It's hard and ugly and hurts like a bit** but please open up to someone and let them help you. Keeping all this inside and shutting everyone out and drinking yourself to death is not what she would want from you, your visions might be signs from her that she's worried about you. You need to live your life for her now since she's not here to do it. It might be best for you to be single for a little while and get yourself together and stable before trying to have a relationship. I am so sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): Hello. You are being weak. Being strong would mean facing up to the fact that she has gone, mending your life and trying to enjoy it. Theres no shame in doing that. So why deny yourself? Your girlfriend is gone but that doesnt mean you didnt love her. And it doesnt mean you cant have a life and make her memory a happy one.
Im not sure why her mother should call you to remind you it was your fault. If it wasnt, then tell her so. Tell her she can stop calling now because you are changing your number. Then change it!
Stop drinking. Youre only making matters worse by using alcohol, that might account for the dreams and depression. Alcohol is a mood enhancer. If you are down, drinking will make you feel even worse.
Get counselling. Its ok if you dont want to open up in front of your friends. But counsellors are trained professionals. It took time, money and alot of emotional journeys for them to get where they are and be able to help you. So use their help and dont regard talking to them as weak. It isnt. I hope you have the strength of character to kick the booze and get help. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (4 January 2010):
Oh honey. First of all I'm not sure what you mean by it's your fault. It was an accident, the other driver was drunk. That doesn't sound like your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself and let go of this guilt. A lot of survivors have guilt, like why did I survive? We do try to protect those we love but not everything is under our control. Car accidents are beyond our control. What you can control is your drinking, and your mental health. You might need to get some help... but that IS something you can do.
Everything you are doing are ways to avoid your feelings, but the more you try to avoid them, the stronger they get. Trust me... if you can find the courage to feel what you feel, then you can release those feelings and let them go. It's a bit like walking through fire, but there is a future on the other side. I agree with other poster, you need to find a good therapist. You could be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is a tough one to manage on your own, I know, I've dealt with it in the aftermath of tragedy. I lost my best friend to a car accident. I know about grief.
You can ask for help... you proved that posting here. Asking for help is NOT weak... that takes strength or you wouldn't find it hard. Drowning yourself in a bottle is what is weak. Don't talk to her mother if that is too hard. Pick up the phone, get a good doctor. You have a purpose for good in this world, but you won't find it at the bottom of a bottle.
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A
female
reader, pril +, writes (4 January 2010):
Oh my u poor guy. I no u said u don't want to face this sober but it is going to be the only thing u can do if u aren't going to get help. It will be really hard, but u need to do it. Drinking is covering up the feelings that need to come out. U need to face them to get over them. I hope this helped.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2010): Please go and see your doctor. You could be suffering from depression and there are people that can help, explain to your doctor how you feel and tell him/her about your sleep problems and try to get refered for councelling, it will help!
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A
female
reader, crazy08  +, writes (4 January 2010):
i have'nt read your posted question before and i'm new in this site,,i'm here to give my opinion and advice,,i'm concerned,,i think it's your conscience that running after you,,i don't know what really happened why you are blaming yourself,,i would say stop taking alcohol,,it's addicting,,it temporarily makes you forget those negative feelings or hurting,,3 years is too long and the period of coping from stress is 6mos and up to two years,,you should move on friend,,you deserve to live with a healthy mind,,there's nothing we can do she's already gone,,most important is that you apologize to her,,yourself,,and her family,,just pray,,god will enlighten you,,godbless!
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