A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It’s a bit of a strange one this but the yesterday my friend walloped her two children right in front of me, now I’m wondering whether to call children’s’ services.She’s got two girls, one 11 and other 13. She’s a single mom and each can be a bit of a handful on their own and they sometimes fight but I’ve never heard of anything too bad. Anyway, yesterday we were having a chat and a coffee in her kitchen and there was some screaming coming from the garden. Obviously we both jumped straight up and we could see the both the girls coming through the back gate, each of them had hold of the other’s hair. I was quite surprised to see them fighting like this but even more surprising was my friend’s response. She grabbed a ping-pong bat off the grass, steamed over to them, separated them both and said “I told you two what would happen”, grabbed the oldest one by the arm and started walloping her bottom with the ping-pong bat, then when she finished with that one she smacked the other one’s bottom just as hard. I was gobsmacked, dumbfounded – I just couldn’t believe it! I’m not used to being around violence it was a bit frightening to be honest. This was not like just a couple of whacks each, I mean she was really going for it – those girls are not going to sit comfortable for a week.When she’d finished walloping them and sent them upstairs crying, I was so embarrassed I just made some excuse and quickly left. Maybe it’s nothing, but I can’t stop thinking about those poor girls and whether I should phone children’s services. It’s only out of loyalty to my friend that I haven’t yet. She phoned earlier but I let it go to answer machine as I’m too embarrassed. I might try and talk to her but I don’t know what to say? she's a few years older than me and I don’t have children, so she might think I’m interfering in something I don’t understand.Sorry about the essay, I don’t know, maybe it’s nothing and I should forget it happened but it's eating me up wondering what to do.
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male
reader, MarkLatus +, writes (26 October 2010):
Its abuse!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): Nothing wrong with a a good ol' fashioned hidding ... perhaps having a sore bottom and sitting gingerly for a few days will be a reminder to be better behaved next time.
I slipper both my girls (13 & 14) (although not that regularly) if they misbehave ...sometimes its the only thing that gets their attention!
Don't bother phoning anybody - just be a good friend
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): I would say no dont phone anybody, its just a form of discipline.
It's a bit embarrassing to admit, but I had my bottom paddled at least once a week till I was about 16 when I learned to keep my mouth shut and respect my mom a little more or maybe got too old for that type of punishment? Who knows?
Buts its just the way it was for me and for these girls it sounds like. If I mouthed off mom, she got the paddle out, told me to bend over right there and then and gave me a sore butt for a few days - it didn't matter who was around.
I was paddled in front of friends, neighbours and relitives, she didn't care how embarassing it might have been for me.
And like someone else said, if she couldn't be bothered or if I ran off, then my dad would strap me with his belt when he got home.
I guess it was the only way they could deal with me, I was very head strong.
The point is I dont think it did me any harm and doubt your friend's children are in any danger. If it happens again, which it probably will, you could suggest she wallop their bottoms later or more convienient for you?
OR you could just let her get on with being a mom and you get on with being her friend.
all the best
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 And the belt.. wow.. or hosepipe (my aunt was small and mean).. them things left a big fat red line for hours, stung like hell... ah, the good old days, brings back the memories..
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 August 2010):
Hahaha, Tennisstar, me too... you really had to duck when the frying pan went flying, now I know them things could kill you. These kids nowadays have it so easy. They get enough time to escape and no flying objects.. lol
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): Um no ur overeactinfg somewhat! She had previously warned them what would happen if they came back physically fighting , and they did, so she was following up on a punishment
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Now, no bashing Americans.
Personally I grew up on the era where spanking, a pop upside the hand, a backhand was perfectly acceptable means of discipline. With whatever object was closest, a frying pan, spatula, ping pong paddle, a switch, and the ever so classic belt. You had a sassy mouth, mother either whooped you or if she was too tired you had to sit and stew till dad came home. In that case, you were whooped with the belt and sent to your room, or timeout to think about your actions. Nowadays we live in a modern society where they have hotlines for children to call if they think they're being abused and there's times where I've been in public where I wanted to slap a person's child because they weren't doing the job. Chances are that's how your friend was raised, where she wasn't above giving her children a spanking. She's not a bad parent that's just her methods of discipline every parent varies. Do not call the child services just because you don't agree with her parenting methods.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 August 2010):
She's a very good mother and she's showing her kids that she cares for them. They get told what bad behaviour is (fighting and pulling hair) they get told what the consequences are (a paddle on the backside) Then they get to choose. Behave and make her proud, or break the rules and receive the promised punishment.
Your upset about the violence. Well didn't you say they were pulling out each others hair.. It sounds like there was violence already, and at that age the naughty step or talking doesn't work.
Sorry you was shocked.. but that's normal to me.. done the same thing myself and my mother punished me just like that.
What you don't realise is that it hurts a lot less to get a smack on the backside, than combing out the blood out of the patches of your hair... now that bloody well hurts like hell.
Of course it's your choice to go and inform this mother that your a child care expert and you know how to stop two pre-teens who are determined to kill each other.
You can also inform social services and the police, and have the children taken into care where they might suffer sexual abuse, and definitely will face discrimination which will limit their life chances.
(A high percentage of people in care end up going to prison.. there are tons of bad statistics like that, the government makes a bad parent.)
She didn't abuse her kids, that happens when your angry and you punch them in the stomach or face. She didn't break the skin and therefore this isn't a reportable offence (not in the UK anyway)
Discipline like that is normal in my culture and if a "friend" was to come along and interfere, well, I can be rude and abusive with my words arround so called expert idiots.
You've never been punished like that, well I have. It doesn't hurt, it is mostly embarrassment. The crying and noise is to tell her that you got the message and you want her to stop.
You have no clue about child abuse.. and I am left wondering if you actually spend any time with children? I've seen mothers who do the "talk nicely and don't offend" discipline, I nearly fell over in shock when the kid kicked the mother and spat in her face... yep, I choose the slipper or paddle on the backside, if it will help children to grow into well behaved, polite, moral adults.
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A
female
reader, Chanice +, writes (24 August 2010):
Hi i can see why your upset, its not nice to hear children get shouted at let alone smacked. . I have 4 kids & not once have i ever smacked them, i believe they should be disciplined but not in that way. Social services is taking it a bit to far.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 August 2010):
 No, you shouldn't call social services. Children need discipline and this is not in the realm of illegal, she's just disciplining. Children can really be a handful sometimes and there's nothing wrong with getting a little physical like a spanking or something. It's really none of your business how she chooses to parent her children. Yes they were crying, but children cry when they get in trouble. I think children who get smacked around a little when they're brats are usually better behaved in the long run.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): americans have to learn to keep out of peoples business.
Yes, one slap will take you to jail. what is your problem? do YOU have kids? do YOU know how stressful they can be? as you said, you've never heard nothing too bad, so why are YOU, a NOBODY getting in the way of this poor mothers business? a moment of weakness means nothing you incompetent person. and you dare call yourself her friend.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Your friend did nothing wrong. She simply disciplined her unruly kids. Had she flown into a rage and began walloping them in the face or on their heads, I would be alarmed. But a swat on the behind was well deserved. Perhaps they'll think twice before they act like that again and I think that's what discipline is all about.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Hi, I'm 54, well almost, but that's beside the point.
I think you have no business getting involved in how this woman chooses to discipline her children, and you may not agree with her physical spankings as a way to handle her girls, and I think also there are better ways of handling it, but you are taking this one instance and putting a whole context of child beatings on it, when that is most likely not the case.
She warned her kids that she told them what would happen. Obviously, they have had this kind of physical fighting, hair pulling event before and she warned them with a physical punishment should they do it again.
So she made good on it. I was raised in a time when childeren were often smacked on the legs or the rear with a hand, a ruler, a wooden spoon, a paddle what ever, even teachers were allowed to do it, and I can tell you one thing for sure, the last couple of generations of kids have had more bad habits, behavior problems, lying, theft, entitlement issues than the generations before them and their parents did not use the spanking method, but the time out method, and "talking" to raise their young children. Is this proof that spanking works? No, not necessarily, as my parents also were more attentive, and interested in what and with who I spent my time with than parents are today, I wasn't put in front of a TV or given a gameboy as a babysitter, but I was forced to use my own creativity and learned to control my own behavior instead of going into a trance in front of a TV....and I turned out to be a law abiding citizen and contributing member of society, and a kind and caring, non entitled individual.
So, you don't have any right to judge this woman, she didn't beat her children, she chose to discipline them the way that she thinks works with her terrible two. She has to contend with them having friends who have permissive parents, who spoil their children and give them every posession while teaching them nothing about how they can achieve personal internal goals rather than chasing after extrinsic ones like beauty, posessions, how other people judge you, etc etc, she's at least trying to instill in them some personal behavior that they should aspire to, just to be good people, good adults. Whether or not her methods line up with yours is not reason to call child services.
If you see her kids dirty, unclothed and unfed and uncared for, then give them a call, but they aren't going to do anything on this one incident, and you will most likely just cause a problem where non exists.
I understand it was upsetting to see her kids get paddled, none of us wants to be witness to that, but it's her and her family's business, and I am sure her kids will be just fine, in fact they may just turn out better than most of their friends.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (24 August 2010):
Tough one.
I might not be the best person to advise you on this either, so please also wait for other answerers. The reason I want to reply is because I am familiar with this kind of behavior and want to offer some perspective.
I'm 22 now but as a kid/teen my dad used to smack me around pretty good. Not in the cliché, tragic way you see in movies, but when I was honestly being a pain in the @ss. Sure, sometimes he went too far (dragged me by my hair out of the living room when I was 8 and I had a black eye once when I was 10) but overall I can't say it was such a bad experience. He gave me responsibility and when I messed up, I had to pay the price. I was once in a fight with my brother and my dad broke us up by smacking us both in the face. Was it tactful? No. But it worked.
The thing is, I was quite a handful and I had a big mouth on me. I was also curious as hell about everything. Had I not been reigned in, I might have ended up like those sorry people you see camping out on the streets at night. I turned out alright and I think this is also because of my dad's strict "..or else" upbringing. There were just some things that I wasn't allowed to do and when it came to other things, I had freedom.
Now, all that said, if you feel your friend might be hitting her kids for no reason, you should be worried. But honestly, child services usually complicates lives of youngsters rather than creating a solution. The system has many flaws and all have negative consequences for the child. So think about that before making a move.
I would talk to your friend if you're not sure.
Tell her you value your friendship with her. Then tell her that the way she treated her kids that day shocked you and that you want to know if she considers that to be normal. If she says it's none of your business, you can say "it happened in front of me, so that makes it my business. The only reason you're sitting here talking to me instead of at a police station is because you're my friend and I want to understand what is going on before I jump to conclusions."
..or something like that. Good luck and let me know what you 're going to do!
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A
female
reader, curleywhirlyhurly  +, writes (23 August 2010):
hi i just read your mail and was quite shocked myself i think you should not ring now as you may be in trouble you need more evidence if i was you i would wait to see does she do it again if she does then you should contact hope thiss helps xxx
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