A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys,My father is suffering from some serious medical issues that came up suddenly and there is a chance that he may not ever come out the same again. He is in the hospital and has been for a month, and we're not sure how long he'll be there.My mom is also getting older and starting to have some major health problems that are making her life more challenging.This is affecting me quite deeply, obviously. My family is extremely small, and in the local area there's just me and my two parents. Everyone else in the family has either moved quite some distance away, passed on, or has "broken ties" for various reasons that are irrelevant here.This means that for me my major form of social and personal support tends to come from friends and, in particular, the person I'm dating. My mom is struggling with medical problems as I said, and I really can't discuss my actual feelings and fears with her because it would only make things worse for her. (She's already worried enough herself; trying to make her talk about "what if this happens" is only going to make it harder on her, combined with the fact that she also has medical issues of her own.) So I spend a lot of time supporting and helping her, which honestly only makes it HARDER for me because I worry about her as well.So the real problem here is because of these unfortunate events which are taking their toll on me emotionally, I'm finding I'm getting more clingy with my GF. I'm getting more upset if she does things like say she'll call but then not call because something came up. I don't think it's OK to promise something and then not at least tell the person that you can't keep your promise, but normally it just mildly annoys me, and it doesn't happen frequently.But today, she said she would call me but she never did. So I texted her at some point in the evening and asked her if everything was OK as I normally would. At this point though I just really needed to talk to someone about what I have been feeling with respect to my family. I did tell her that I wanted to talk to her about something going on medically with my family, so she knew the nature of why I wanted to talk. So when I texted her she did reply and told me she was finishing some work and would call me when she's done. That was around 6 or so. She never called or texted again. Around 10 I was just getting emotionally overwhelmed and edgy from thinking and worrying and started texting her asking if she still was going to call; when she didn't answer I started spilling out stuff into text, crying all the while, about my dad and everything going on. She never responded.Now that I've calmed down a bit I do think I was being a bit extreme, but at the same time I'm finding myself really bothered by her not responding at all. She normally does respond; there's been a few times she hasn't, and most of the time it's legitimate, but there was a couple of times that she did admit that she didn't respond to me because she herself was stressed or bothered and just "didn't want to deal with anyone, not just you, but anyone."I probably made the whole thing APPEAR to her like a guilt trip, which if I did I know is wrong. "My family is sick and you're too busy to talk to me..." (Not in those exact words but that's the impression I'm feeling I probably gave her.) I'm not trying to make excuses either but I honestly was overwhelmed and too upset to really think it out.I do of course have other friends, but the two closest friends who I feel comfortable discussing these sorts of things with are both out of town and busy. I guess I'm just writing to get thoughts and opinions. I am so confused. I really can do nothing to help my dad but wait and hear the reports as they come in from the hospital. My mom is sick and also a wreck because of her own fears and I'm helping her as much as I can but I'm starting to worry about her health as well. So now I am starting to feel like my only true source of support comes from my GF. On one hand, I do think that's unfair to her. Nobody should be anyone's sole support system. On the other hand, she doesn't seem to be understanding that I do need *some* support. She comes from a large family; when there've been similar family crises in her family the whole family bands together, spends time together, and basically there's a lot of support, so the need for support from friends/BFs/GFs is not as pronounced as it is for me. I don't have that opportunity being from such a small isolated family so it is a struggle for me. I don't even know what the fair amount of "support" to ask of her is right now. And as I said I'm just finding myself more upset and annoyed by things that shouldn't be annoying me when it comes to her. This in turn is making me get upset with her, which is making her withdraw, which is turning this into a vicious cycle where she pulls away because I'm upset that she pulled away. It's easy to say "make new friends" or "get out there and meet people" but with a family crisis on hand that's really not going to do much for me. The friends I do have should be back soon but even then it's a matter of needing too much support from too few people. I'm just so confused, and I'm not sure what I should be doing... Right now I feel there's so much burden on me; the health and well-being of both my parents rests on me and I have little to no outside support. So, I just need some comforting thoughts... How can I be fair to my girlfriend and not expect too much of her, while not being so upset with her just because of my own pain? How can I deal with all of this when I feel like I'm bearing it alone?...
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 March 2013):
 Here are the resources listed in the AMA link:
Eldercare Locator
(a national directory of community services) (800) 677-1116
www.eldercare.gov
Family Caregiver Alliance
(415) 434-3388
www.caregiver.org
Medicare Hotline
(800) 633-4227
www.medicare.gov
National Alliance for Caregiving
(301) 718-8444
www.caregiving.org
National Family Caregivers Association
(800) 896-3650
www.nfcacares.org
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 March 2013):
You have no siblings? If you do, it's time they step up into the caretaker role that you have shouldered for a while. They may not be able to do it in person, but they should be able to act as phone support for you and sit in on conference calls with doctor discussions.
You are a caretaker, you are not alone, there are millions of us out here.
Your girlfriend is supporting you as best she can, perhaps she has reaches her limit every now and again and withdraws for a day or two. She should not need to be on call for you 24/7.
You do need to find other shoulders to cry on, other supporters to whom you can turn for a sympathetic ear and advice.
This link has some great info: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/caringforyourparents/handbook/caringcaregiver/supportgroups.html
--------
The challenges of caring for elders can result in caregivers ignoring their own physical and emotional health. Caregivers often don't recognize the symptoms of stress that they are experiencing. For a simple self-test, see the American Medical Association's Caregiver Self-Assessment Questionnaire (PDF) http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/caringforyourparents/handbook/pdf/cfyp_self_assessment.pdf . If you take the test and find you do have a number of symptoms associated with high levels of physical and emotional stress, contact your primary care doctor for an appointment, take the questionnaire with you, and discuss next steps, such as finding a therapist or support group, or taking medication.
You may also want to talk with your clergyperson, a trusted friend, or a close family member. Securing support from other family members, friends, and community groups is essential. It may be hard to ask for and/or accept help, but you cannot do it all alone. Think in terms of concrete actions that can help. Could a friend pick up groceries for you or your elder? Could a neighbor do yard work for you or give you a lift to the doctor's? Could a friend or relative keep the elder company so that you can take a break—go to a movie, the gym, take a walk or a drive, or do some shopping for yourself? Perhaps you could set up a regular visit from a friend (yours or the elder's) so that you don't feel so isolated or overloaded. You may not be able to reciprocate, but don't worry. The people who care about you want to help, and you may be able to return the help at a later time.
You may feel that you are the only one dealing with an elder who is demanding, difficult, or belligerent. You may feel sad that your elder is in need and confused about your new role as caregiver. You may also be dealing with siblings or other family members who criticize you or do not share in caring for the elder. Some caregivers find support groups helpful. They allow caregivers to share their experiences, exchange information, and point each other toward organizations that have been particularly helpful. Some support groups may be linked to stress management or exercise classes.
Support groups also encourage caregivers to care for themselves and help remind you that it is not selfish for caregivers to attend to their own needs. Many support groups are run by professionals, such as social workers, and can help caregivers devise productive strategies for dealing with intra-family conflicts or tensions that may arise around difficult caregiving decisions.
There are many organizations to help you find a support group suited to your needs. Some are organized around a particular city or region, while others are focused on the kind of illness an elder may have. Support groups can be in person or they can be online. There are also some health care providers that provide caregiver support groups. Call your doctor or your health insurance provider to get referrals to groups covered under your health plan.
One of the best ways to find support groups in your area is through the Family Caregiver Support Program in your state. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) through the Eldercare Locator, 800-677-1116 toll free.
If you want to talk with caregivers who are in similar situations, the AARP Web site has online forums where you can ask and answer questions, share your caregiving experiences, and learn from others. There's even an online group dedicated to discussing the film Caring for Your Parents.
------
Also, if part of your stress is conveying information about your father and your mother to friends and family, there is a great website that helps people journal the patient's story: http://www.caringbridge.org
If you need practical help in handling things at home, there is a calendar service on the caringbridge site, and there is another one here: http://www.carecalendar.org
So, after you calm down and draw some support from other sources, then you can sit down and have a quiet talk with your girlfriend. She may have some things to say to you that she has held back due to your stressed condition.
You've vented here, now, that should relieve some of your stress. Now go take some practical steps to get more support for yourself from other sources. You've learned your girlfriend's not there 24/7, so stop expecting that from her, as a practical matter. Follow those links I provided; taking positive steps will help lift your mental burden.
I will tell you that now is not the time to overindulge in alcohol or food. Now is the time for exercise, self-nurturing activities every day such as meditation or painting or journaling or whatever you like to do as a hobby.
Recognize that some of your anger at your girlfriend is anger at the situation you find yourself in, only there's no other target available, as you are so socially isolated. Reach out to your parents' friends for support, they are probably very concerned and worried for your family. They may be your parents' age but that doesn't mean they can't help you shoulder some of the emotional burden.
---
NB The eldercare hyperlink in the page I gave you doesn't work, use this one instead: http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.aspx
The AARP caregiving link can be reached here http://www.aarp.org/home-family/caregiving/?cmp=RDRCT-CRGVGRECNT_JUN22_012 (you will have to copy/paste that last link as the '?' interrupts the hyperlink.
I hope their medical issues resolve and that you can find yourself back on an even keel. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 Ultimately, we are born alone and we die alone. And along the way, there will be moments that no amount of support will be enough even if promptly and generously offered. We OWN our pain. We can only describe it, talk about it, we can't make it FEEL to other persons in a way to make them respond exactly how we need. At least not always, or not at the exact time it is needed. Might as well come to terms with that , not with desperation, but with serene acceptance. We have the power to support ourselves in the darkest moments, support comes from within. We need to use it.
This may sound like a cynical, bitter conclusion, it is all but that. I am not cynical and bitter, and I am lucky for having a great mom, a fantastic son, many wonderful friends I can turn to. Plus, I am lucky - I belong to such a minority religion in my country ( no, it's not a sect ! LOL ) that authomatically any correligionary also becomes gladly and willingly a shoulder to lean on and an ear for listening to my problems.
With all that, no matter how many good people I was surrounded by, there have been times I have felt disappointed in the past. People are only human, they are not perfect. They have their own life, their priorities, their problems , their committments .. and they have the RIGHT to be occasionally absorbed by those. It's not selfish, it's healthy . They can hear your pain, in part. They can share it, in part. But, how much that part should be, it's not for you to judge or decide . You have only to be grateful for the part of your burden that they are willing to share.
Your reaction is natural, but I'd try not to be upset particularly if these "coldness " episodes are occasional and motivated, and she is in general a compassionate , supportive gf. But do not expect or demand that she must be your crutch all around, at any time you may need it. This is really giving her an unfair reponsibility. No man is an island, true... but it is also true that you can't give anybody the assignment to make you feel good / secure / strong / optimistic etc.etc. This is a personal endeavour at the end of the day, - you own your life, good and bad, don't pass to other people the obligation to fix it, - and do not resent them if they assume voluntarily that obligation just to a certain point.
If you trust your gf, you trust that she is doing what she can the best she can, she is not holding back to be mean.
But what to do while you learn to develop self reliance,resilience and courage ? What can you do to take some of the pressure off , to be able to vent as much as you need right now ?...
Self - help lines. The Samaritans, or similar organizations ( check on line under Befrienders Worlwide ). They are trained to listen, to help you express your feelings , and they are volunteers, they are there because they WANT to be there to listen to you.
Or,self support groups, self guided or with a facilitator - I think it does not matter if there is not one for the specific illness of your father, it sounds that your main problem is the ANXIETY that your situation causes you, and theer are many groups which deal with anxiety and depression. Or, see a counsellor , there are some specialized in grief and bereavement issues.
I am not very Internet savvy but I bet there must be on line forums for people with problems like yours. And don't grumble " yes but I have a gf, should not be her to etc.. " No. SHOULD does not exist, particularly in love. If you feel you can't handle things on your own, your best bet is to resort to people who WANT to help you with them, that OFFER their help without being asked , either for passion or profession.
Stay strong , and best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 Yep you are certainly confused and going off in emotional tangents and thrashing about (justified to your own personal circumstance) and as much as it would be great to have a GF or partner who was a 'rock' for you to lean on, the fact is that most people are ill equipped to deal with other people's pain...
Doesn't mean they aren't sympathetic, doesn't mean they don't care, doesn't mean their love for you have altered in any way shape or form...it just means they do not have the bodily function and emotional tools to give you what you 'think' you need at this terrible time.
That's the thing with grief and suffering...it's way too intense, way too real, way too visceral and in one form or another we will all have to go through something like that in our lives.
When we are crying out in emotional pain we expect those who love us to provide the answers, we become the child, we need a parental figure to make it all go away, but for our nearest and dearest it's all too much. That is why the majority of people speak to a neautral person, like a doctor or a counsellor or and adviser...because that person has no investment in the problem, they can be a blank canvas for the aggrieved to lay their pain. Allowing someone to lay out their troubles without judgement is very healing...they can unwind themselves within the constructs of their own mind, without fear of rejection or critisism.
You know you are being tough on your girlfriend, but you have pain and suffering around you and you need to earth it...she's just the wrong person to go to.
Of course we all read the book of 'life' where all our love ones never abandon us, they SHOULD be our number one caregiver in times of need, they SHOULD be all wise and supporting....SHOULD is a very misleading word.
Your girlfriend is doing the right thing, she is giving you time and space whilst you are so up and down...she's there...but she's not being the ball for you to 'kick around' in your hour of need. When things settle, and you avoid guilt tripping her so much that she walks, then things will return to a more settled time...they will be different, because YOU will be different (shaped by recent experience) but your life with her should get back on an even keel.
I am sorry about your dad, my dad is old and infirm also (almost 80) and I know there isn't too much time left with him...I hate it but I know it is just one of those life events that none of us can avoid.
Don't worry about your girlfriend, just keep in touch from time to time and do what you have to do to support your mum...everything else will sort itself out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (19 March 2013):
 I'm sorry about your dad, and your mother's health problems, too. I can understand that that is very hard and stressful for you, and I'm sorry also that you don't feel you have so much support.How long have you been dating this girl? Maybe I misunderstood your post, but it seems that you told her about your parents' health problems by text, after your father had been in hospital for one month. Was that the first she knew about it? That would indicate to me that it's maybe not such a communicative relationship. Sorry if I'm wrong. If you have been together for quite a long time and she is aware of the situation, then yes, you should be able to expect more from her and her being stressed and not wanting to talk to anyone is no excuse, as she could put those feelings on hold and be there for you. If you have only been together for a short time, maybe you are expecting too much from her. Guilt tripping and being clingy is going to put a strain on any relationship, particularly if it's early days. Why don't you email your friends who are out of town? They might be busy but I'm sure they could find the time to read your mail and reply, even if it's brief. Otherwise you will start taking everything out on your girlfriend and you will start to push her away.
...............................
|
