A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I want to leave my husband of 2 years. We arent compatible at all. We almost doesnt have any similarity and fight a lot. We have a year old son together. Aunties and uncles here adviced me many times not to marry him and leave him but i dont have the courage and too naive keep giving him chances. Im so tired this years passing days and rising my son alone. I feel like a single mom even we are still married. One of the reason i can still survive is support from my loving family and friends. An old friend of mine, a gentleman that support me through this slowly have special place in my heart. We developed feelings from our reconnection last year since my son was born. Our friendship is kinda weird. We meet on social media about 7 years ago. He asked me to meet up but i rejected it because i still on relationship before and i was so cold on him. So we lost contact and reconnect last year when he wished me happy birthday.He admitted that he is attracted to my appearance 7 years ago on my profile picture in my social media and when we reconnected last year he asked for my photo but i never give him once. I keep saying im getting fat. Haha. He knows he wont get any picture from me and our friendship went on comfortably. We have great time in chatting to each other daily. When i asked him after we meet what he thinks about me he said that he doesnt even care about how i look anymore because he feels so comfortable and wants me in his life. We both feel we are so compatible in many ways. At first, he helped me to fix my relationship with my husband. Giving me idea what should i do. He is against divorce as he raised by his single fighter mom and he knows how bad it is for kids. My husband doesnt change at all and he is getting worse. He has gambling addiction, stole money from his parent, made up stories to manipulate people to get some money, verbally abuse me, lies seriously a lot, manipulative, have relationship with other woman ( one night stand ). After 10 months of reconnection i finally agree to meet him once last month. We both feel a strong chemistry between us and since then we keep missing each other and meet up more and more. We love each other. He wants to marry me and i can see he is putting real effort in there. Im still legally married. I want out. But my parent wont agree on that because they are worried about my son future if i raised him as a single mom. They dont know what my husband has did to me exactly ( i cover it up to not getting them hurt. This gentleman said he will try to convince my parent, letting them to know him, his background, his job, and his real intention is to being with me. After my parent can accept him then i need to choose him or my husband he said. He has comes and drop by to my house several times bringing coffee and foods. He met my mom. And next he planned to meet my dad on dad's company as he has a company too just on the same complex of my dad's. First time drop by to borrow some equipment and has friendly talk is his plan. He has never married before, has stable business, just 1 year older than me (30) , responsible and smart. He is too good to be true i think. My mom thinks its weird why he wants me instead of other single woman out there. He can choose better woman than me. One thing that made me so touched is he is planning our future and include my son in it. He asked me if i agree to live on one of his house where there is a good school for my son. He said after we married he thinks its better for us to postpone having kids directly and he wants to have a year before we had our kids so that he can develop more connection with my son and make my son doesnt feel left out after theres more kids after him. He wants my son not to know about his past and just think he is his real father. Everytime we meet i bring my son with me. He loves ane cares about my son. He said he already has picture about how having a family with me. He is so excited and cant wait to make it happen. When we are together i can feel warmth and comfort and so did he.Do you think its a valid and real feelings? Should i go for it? I love him. I just think its all develop so quickly that i think its weird. Why he choose me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 August 2019):
 1) Slow down. Show some common sense and be prudent. You should not carry on an Internet romance basically under your husband's nose, and you should not go out and meet a suitor ( bringing along your child, too ! ) behind your husband's back. You are still married, not even separated. While your husband, as far as I remember, would not be opposed to a divorce if you wanted one, and while, as of now, even without your husband's consent you have any possible ground to obtain a divorce, because you are the abused party,- if you get caught you would be the cheater and home breaker, and I guess it all could end in tears, with a lot of scandal, gossips, legal battles and huge financial losses for you.
2 ) I reaLize that societal and cultural norms in your country are different from ours, but, reading your post, I am scratching my head: I mean, really ? Your parents are not OK with you becoming a divorcee', because that looks bad- but they are OK with a guy coming a- courting their MARRIED daughter in THEIR home ? How does this work… considering too that, from what you say, you still haven't told them about the psychological, physical and financial abuse you have suffered, so your parents are under the impression that your marriage is just a bit wobbly, but not too bad all in all ? How does a fiance' fits, in their opinion, in the life of their MARRIED daughter ?
3 ) If it sounds too good to be true, it generally is too good to be true. I am not saying that a 30 y.o. guy must necessarily want a young, single, childless woman . Love is blind and has no set rules, I guess a 30 y.o. single man might fall in love also with a 55 y.o. woman with 4 children, why not. BUT, since you know the norm, standards and average requirements in your society, you ( and your mom )
also know that the average guy prefers someone with less baggage than you. So, let this guy PROVE, in time, that he is the exception- just saying it,it is way too easy. In fact, have you thought that he may be so enthusiastic about having a future and a family with you blah blah blah- precisely because that's not possible while you are still married, and very reluctant to let go of your marriage too ? Now, he does not have to put his money where his mouth is : he does not have to live with your son, or take care of you financially , etc. etc. He can just fill his mouth with nice sounding words , because he is not being called to act upon his words. He can just relax and enjoy the GFE ( girlfriend experience ) he is having now, as he will enjoy uncommitted sex if and when ( … but more " when " than " if "... ) he convinces you to become his lover. No hassles, no costs, no responsibilities, no sacrifices- because you are married to another guy , anyway. Until you stay married to your current husband, so, you can't verify if your suitor's intentions are serious and sincere.
$ ) OTH, even if you regain your freedom, what's the rush ? Why running blindly to plunge yourself in a new relationship, or , worse, marriage ? why not taking your time to be on your own ? And taking the time to be just friends with this new guy, and deepen the friendship, while you get to know him better and you both figure out if you are compatible , not just attracted, to each other ? No, I don't think these are real and valid feelings. You cannot " love " someone whom you have seen just once. You need to keep in mind that you were / are particularly starved for attention, affection and validation, all things sorely missing from your marriage, and that you obviously crave. I do not exclude that this new gentleman might be a fantastic human being , fully worthy of your love and passion. My point is, you were / are so hungry for love that anybody would have done, anybody showing you some kindness, some affection. And this anybody, for all you know could also be an even worse bastard and user than your husband- just better at paying compliments and saying romantic things. How would you know, in one month and one date ?..
So , again, slow down, watch your step, and be very very careful in your choices. All is not gold that which glitter- as you should have learned from your past marital experience !
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 August 2019):
 Your posts make my head hurt.You spend your life bumbling from one disaster to another, asking for advice but never taking it.
I'm not even going to waste time or effort on giving you any advice, but I would just point out a couple of things for you to think about.
No 1: your HUSBAND will ALWAYS be your son's father. This man (who madly waves so many red flags for me that I don't even know where to start!) will NEVER be his father, unless you husband is no longer on the scene. Attempting to walk in and establish himself as the father of a child who still has a father is just wrong, on every level. YOU should not be encouraging it but you seem to be delighting in it.
No 2: have you ever heard the saying, "get them by cheating, lose them to cheating"? This man will NEVER trust you 100% because he knows you are a cheat.
No 3: if something is too good to be true, it usually IS. You are already asking yourself why this "wonderful" man is interested in a married woman with a child when there are so many single ladies out there he could date. You have a gut instinct for good reason. You need to start listening to it.
You appear to be a creature of habit so I predict you will completely ignore anything here and that is absolutely fine. It is no skin off OUR noses. I feel sorry for your poor son, who is caught up in the middle of this. I can already forecast the content of your NEXT post. Going away to take pain killers for my headache.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2019): OP, while you were/are legally married, you should not have been talking to any men on social media, about your private life or anything going on in your marriage! You are still a married woman and a mom, and you have an obligation to remain a faithful wife, not meeting men, to pick a future mate or stepfather, for your child! If you want to end your marriage, go to a divorce lawyer and file for a divorce. You do have legal grounds for a divorce due to abuse and infidelity but be aware that your husband may make a counter claim, that YOU have been unfaithful to him! You have yourself in a bad situation. You came here for advice before, but ignored the advice given to you. I suspect that you will ignore this advice too, to have no outside male relationships while legally married. When a judge grants your divorce, then and only then, are you free to find another man!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 August 2019):
 I’m sorry you have learnt the hard way. However, you need to be ready to listen to the advice this time. We will strongly advise against starting a relationship with anyone else until you’re divorced and have been single for a year or more because you need to learn how to stand on your own two feet as a single mother.
You should never go from one marriage into another. You will just find yourself in the same unhappy marriage, just with a different man. You don’t love each other; you love who you want him to be - your saviour from a miserable and abusive marriage.
I know there may be cultural differences, but you need to be independent. Get divorced. Be single. If this man really loves you, he will leave you alone until you have got divorced and been single for a year afterwards. If he doesn’t love you, he will find another woman.
You are looking to escape one marriage into another. It’s not healthy and the chances of a happy marriage to this other man is highly unlikely because you don’t know him well, just like you didn’t know your husband and married him anyway.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, OP, but you need a wake up call. You’re still being naive and it may be a cultural thing, but you’re talking like a teenager, not a grown woman who is also a mother. Do not rush relationships. Do not jump from one into another. Do not continue talking to your friend because it counts as emotional cheating and you could find a divorce much more harmful if someone finds out.
Cut this friend out of your life, get a divorce, settle as a single woman and single mother for a year after the divorce, then see if you still love this friend and contact him again, but not before everything I’ve just said.
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