A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years. We met at uni. When I met him, I had just come home from New Zealand. It was the 3rd country I’d worked in in three years, and I was ready to settle in one place for a while and study. We were FWBs at first because I wasn’t looking for a relationship; I was just starting to love being single after clinging to an ex for years, and I also knew I’d be spending a year studying abroad and didn’t want to have an LDR. However, after months of spending all our time together, we became an “official” couple.During my year abroad, I missed him terribly at first, but then got used to my new life. I made lots of friends and eventually got close to someone new, and was torn between him and my boyfriend. Ultimately I chose my boyfriend, as I really do love him and I know I’m lucky to have him. He’s a great person - a far better person than me, I admit. Our life slowly went back to normal when I got home, and we lived together. Everything seemed perfect for a while, and we supported each other through our final year of uni. However, now I’m getting itchy feet again. I’ve moved home to my family as I’ve found a job nearby, and I’m enjoying being alone again, though we speak on the phone every day.My contract is only for 6 months, and I was planning to go back to living with my boyfriend afterwards and find a job near his. But I just don’t feel ready to. I think I’ve identified why: although I adore my family home, I was desperate to leave it as soon as I graduated from school. I wanted to see the world, and I had the security of knowing it would be there when I got back. Now I feel the same way about my boyfriend: he is the home I feel comfortable leaving, because I know I can come back when I’m ready to settle again. I know that sounds bad, but it’s just how it feels to me.I asked him about maybe taking 6 more months to go abroad again, and he got upset. He doesn’t want me to leave again, which I know is understandable. I would love for him to go abroad too and have some new experiences before we settle (I don’t only want freedom for myself, I’d love to see him have his own adventures) but he just doesn’t want that. He wants to settle now, even though he’s only 24, which I personally think is a bit young. I just don’t feel ready to stay in one place and be half of a permanent “unit” forever. If I don’t take more time to be independent now, I might never get it. Are these feelings completely unreasonable? In the long term, I would love kids, and I know he’d be an amazing father. But that’s a few years down the line – he says he doesn’t want children before he’s 27 or 28. So I just wish I could make the most of my freedom for a bit longer first. How can I talk to him about this? I don’t want to hurt him, but the thought of returning to normal life before I’m ready makes me feel like a bird about to be caged. I certainly don’t want to break up either, as we are best friends and I can’t imagine finding a better man. Is there any way of compromising in this situation? Or am I just crazy for feeling this way?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (26 August 2019):
 So what you are saying is, That you are not a good relationship person. And that you are in love with a good relationship person. Well I have no advice for you. I don't help narcissists wreck their lives. I have one word for "the best boyfriend (you)'ve ever had, It has three letters and starts with R.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 August 2019):
 Certainly your bf is an adult who can make his own decisions, but can he also make °informed ° decisions ?
You are impulsive, when restlessness / boredom / need for novelty hits, you do not fight yor impulses and go with another guy . Does your BF know that ? Does he approve it, does he tolerate it , does he mind it ?
This is not a loaded question, it is very literal. There are some men ( and women, of course ) who are totally OK with an open relationship ( or semi-open, like no monogamy expected during travels ). And there are some men ( and women ) who are not exactly totally OK with it, but they are so in love, that they will choose to not make a big deal of some momentary, short lived indiscretion, as long as their partner eventually comes home to them. Both group 1 and group 2 added , though, just make a small minority, a wide majority of people feel instead that if they have to bother being in a relationship and considering themselves a couple, being exclusive at all times must necessarily be part of the deal.
If BF does not belong to either group 1 or group 2, keeping him around is a convenient choice, but it is not ethical nor kind nor generous. Poor kid.
Yes, I know, you say that you are not on the look out for hooking up, and that you have used up already your " get out of jail " pass for this relationship. But you KNOW that you are impulsive, adventurous, itchy-footed, headstrong and… well, not a monument to selflessness. How can you be so sure that you won't break your own " rule " at the first available occasion ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2019): Of course there is no compromise to be had, based on what you wrote. If you stay together, one of you has to cave in to attempt to find happiness, but the one who has to give in, will resent the other person for life! If you both stand your ground, then a breakup will ensue! It is just that simple. You are totally unreasonable OP. You are old enough to have this wanderlust out of your system, and to grow up and be an adult woman! Not only do you want to wander around to cheat on your man, but you want your young man to go overseas to have his own adventures, as you call them! Just a little manipulative OP? Also you came here to ask for advice, then you write an update, with a chip on your shoulder, because you do not like the answers. Next time, maybe you should not come asking! Praying for your young man!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 August 2019):
 Wow, I have to disagree with YouWish. «The wall»??? No such thing, for sure not in my part of the world, anyway. Ive heard a friend of mine use that as an excuse to stay in a shitty relationship that she was too afraid to leave. She said all men are taken and she is getting older and all that. She ended up having a kid with that dude, and is completely miserable. Really? The wall of «looking fertile»? Seriously, what a load of sexist crap. Ive been dating way up in my 30’s, as have several of my others friends, and there are tons of men both younger and older who show interest. No worries. Im now married to a man 6 years my senior, but the guy I was seeing before him was 7 years my junior. Just saying. A woman is not a carton of milk. We dont hit a wall/expiration date. And there are just as many good, sexy and amazing single men out there, as there are women. Of any age.
Follow your heart girl. If you settle because of fear of «the wall», you will regret it for as long as you live.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2019): You are a FWB girl who posed as a couple during exam stress but now you are back in the family nest your BF is surplus to your requirements.
You are 'flighty' and he is 'steady' and the two dont mix well unless flighty needs steady for a comfortable nest.
Like a migrating bird you need to be free.
In your case you think freedom means 'away from steady!' but I think maybe you are just looking for sunshine and fun.
Possibly you are a seasonal affective depressive who feels unable to cope with long and tedious grey days.
That is nothing to do with the boyfriend though.
In fact its just your mindset.
But you feel you need an excuse or a well justified reason to leave him or to put him on pause.
You cannot compare a man to bricks and mortar.
His body is alive and his mind is kicking.
Someone else will fill the gap and take what you leave on offer.
Maybe they will travel to India together.
Maybe they will make a baby together.
Maybe they will face the end of the world together.
But you have analytically decided that he is best kept as a coat you put in the cupboard.
Someone you pull out and use now and again.
I'd like to tell you that your wrong to move on but you are not.
Its quite clear that you want out of this relationship and maybe there are good reasons for doing so.
Maybs your life is on the sunny side elsewhere and nature is calling you to make a change.
I think you have to let him go to find his other half and have his life with someone more suitable to him and as sad as it is, at least your guy has enough common sense to be disappointed that you are moving on and he has got to open new doors to find someone new.
If only you could go to India first!
But why waste money when you know you want to sail on.
And its not your fault my dear, because we are all different for a reason and somewhere there will be someone waiting for you and I hope he is decent like your last fella,your current ex, and maybe even your fling while you were abroad.
If you need to unlock the padlock on your gilded cage and set yourself free, then that is what needs to be done.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 August 2019):
 I fully agree with the others, especially Honeypie -- you can't have both. You must CHOOSE.
But I need to point something out that perhaps others haven't said because the reality is pretty chilly and unfortunately carries a double standard when it comes to women. But it *IS* a reality nonetheless, and before you decide at your age you still have wild oats to sow, I need to point out this brutal truth:
You mentioned that this guy (your boyfriend) is 24, which makes you older than he is. I see by your age range that you're starting into your late 20's. You're not 22 just out of college. You're not 18 just out of high school. You're not 16, a free-spirited kid. You've hit career age, and you are in prime "settle down" years. MOST women your age are settling in to marriage/long term relationships. The average age for first marriage is 27, and that's MARRIAGE, not engagement, or when you meet your partner. That's usually a few years EARLIER. Yes, in some instances, a woman's average marrying age is 30, but again, you don't just go from "Hi! Nice to meet you!" to walking down the aisle. People tend to live together for a while before marriage.
You are about to hit the proverbial wall. "The Wall" for a woman is when her marriage value goes down (some more misogynistic men call it Sexual Market value), and she starts looking a little older, a little less "fertile", her looks maybe less youthful than someone in early 20's. All of a sudden, girls who are used to eating up men's attentions are finding the guys looking at OTHER women instead. The single free life starts looking like guys calling you "ma'am" instead of buying you drinks at the clubs or bars. The age gap you're so worried about now with your current keeper boyfriend?? Well, the guys who STILL show interest in women close to The Wall are typically 10-15-20 years OLDER than you, as the younger ones are looking for younger women.
If you are a smoker you have a kid or are a hard partier now, you will hit the wall much faster, and you could start looking like those middle aged women with too much makeup on still thinking she's "got it". The boyfriend you have now who is smitten with you could see you in 5 years when he's 29 and has a beautiful 24 year old woman on his arm with his ring on her finger.
And you have to decide -- what IS living your own life?? When you're with the guy you love, that IS the life! It's not the least bit like living at home and having someone tell you what to do while you're dependent on them. It's building a career and a home and YOUR future and having an awesome partner who makes you BETTER because you both work together!
He is NOT like home. You can't come back to him. If you leave for 6 months, he's moving on. And he's a keeper, or you wouldn't have chosen him over the "someone new" guy. But if you hit the wall, the guys who show interest in you will NOT be keepers, but will have plenty of baggage and mileage and a lot of them will be JUST like you -- with intimacy issues and they'll want to USE you for the "girlfriend experience". BUt they won't be able to commit any more than you do, and then fast forward and you're 40. Good luck then! The marriage situation just got more bleak. You'll become a cat lady for sure and give up on building a home and kids and a future in that direction. Then what will living your own life look like?? For some people, never marrying and never having kids IS their idea of life. They spend their evenings knitting, watching TV or in a life of political activism or different clubs. But going out with friends? That's tricky! All yours are getting married or otherwise coupled up!
You need to choose, but don't think for one moment that you can have a free-spirited single life forever, even if you remain single for your whole life.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 August 2019):
To me, it sounds like you should break up. You and him want different things, and you value your freedom more. Besides, only hanging on to him because you dont think you can find better? What a silly thought. How about you find a man who shares your love for freedom and travelling? Someone who goes on his own adventures? Or better yet, you like being on your own, how about actually being on your own? Its a weird myth that you need a man. And its not fair to keep him waiting. After all this time together, hes already given you lots of freedom and still you want more. Listen to yourself. You are not ready or willing to settle down, so let this man go.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 August 2019):
 A wise friend of mine once told me that she believed we settle down with the person who is there AT THE RIGHT TIME. Of course we have to like them as well but timing is one of the crucial factors.
Age is irrelevant. You are ready to settle down when YOU are ready.
Sadly it sounds like you two are at very different stages in your lives. He wants to settle down, you do not. As he is ready, the next suitable girlfriend he has who is also at that stage of her life will be the one he settles down with.
Explore compromises to see if you can find some way of BOTH being happy. If this is not possible, then you have to accept he is "the right one at the wrong time" and go your separate ways, otherwise you will only grow to resent him for holding you back from what you want to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2019): This is the poster.I don't feel I should have to "set him free" if he doesn't want to go. I've asked him before if he's unhappy or wanted to break up, and he said he's not and he doesn't. He's an adult, he can make his own decisions, just like I can make mine – and he categorically doesn't want to end the relationship. Neither of us does. I can see a happy future for us, but I just wish that that future could wait a bit, because we ARE too young right now. Yes, I do believe that. The average age of marriage in the UK is something like 33 for men and 31 for women, so this is all happening way ahead of schedule. It feels unnecessary to me right now to get tied down. We've got years to do that.Apparently I can't "have it all" ...but says who? If I don't try to have it all, I will feel I'm wasting my life. I've had so many exciting years, and I hate being bored; I'm used to rather living in the moment, planning 6 months ahead at the most. I'm 26, I won't be in my 20s again, and I don't want any regrets. I'm sure I would hugely regret it if my boyfriend and I broke up, because we really are a good fit for each other. When we're together, we make a great team, and he's the person I want in my future. It's just when I'm alone that I feel like I used to when I was travelling and just want to get up and go. I don't want to regret giving up that life too soon either. I am a translator, so some time abroad could also give my language skills a huge boost and help me professionally. My boyfriend doesn't speak any other languages and isn't keen on spending time in a country where he can't communicate, so taking him is pretty much a no-go.Also, to clarify, none of this is because my boyfriend somehow isn't enough for me. I meant it when I said I can't imagine finding another man like him. But in every relationship I've been in, I've ended up kissing someone else at some point. I'm impulsive, if that hasn't been made clear enough already. That's probably always going to happen, no matter who I'm with. I think trying to find "the one" who will stop me wanting to "stray" at all costs is unrealistic. If I couldn't resist cheating on the best boyfriend I've ever had, I wouldn't be able to resist with a different boyfriend either. I'm just being honest here. So why look for someone else? Nobody is going to cure me of being who I am.I only ever get one chance in each relationship, and I've used up my chance in this one, so now I know that can't ever happen again. So I am not out looking for guys to hook up with to "come between us".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2019): You can invite him to come along as a compromise; but if he doesn't wish to share your adventure, stick to your goals and plans. Resentment usually grows within people who have a yearning and they sacrifice without being full-hardhearted about it.
Far too often the regret sets-in around the times you have disagreements, or hit a lull in the relationship. That's usually when people verbalize in exasperation and anger... " I should have, would have, or could have done such and such!!!" They will never let their partner live-down what they had to give-up for them.
Be that the case, you should have been on your way! They made sacrifices also, but chose you! He's not your priority; so don't pretend he is.
It comes-down to making your own choices and being decisive.
Obviously, his mind is made up!
You have no right to want him to wait for you. No, he isn't your home to comeback to when you're done with your globe-trotting adventures! He has waited for you long enough!
You're taking his love for granted. That's unfair. Marriage may not be wise right-away; but that's not your argument. You want a relationship you can place on pause; and comeback to when you're done doing whatever it is you want to do. That's quite an entitled-attitude you've got there, my dear!
"He’s a great person - a far better person than me, I admit."
Be that the case, then he deserves an equal. No more, no less!
If your lives are heading in different paths, and you aren't on the same-page at the same-time; you can't ask someone to wait while you erratically get itchy-feet!
Your lifestyle-choice is to travel about and venture new places; but he wishes to settle-down. He risked losing you to someone else before. One could speculate that guilt was your only reason for choosing him. He deserves love and loyalty, not your pity.
Placing people on-hold for your convenience is selfish. Unless you were both already engaged or married; and leaving to go abroad was not really a personal-choice. It is best that you set him free to find someone who will settle-down with him.
You can't have it all; and still possibly break his heart; if someone happens to come between you in the meantime. It happened once, and likely to happen again. Life is too unpredictable, and you can't gamble with the feelings, plans, and lives of other people; no matter how much your may "feel" you love them.
If you don't love him enough to change your plans; then proceed with your plans, and let him go!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2019): We always know.
It is as simple as that.
We know what we want and sometimes it can be also what we need. But that is a different story.
My first bf was a keeper. Responsible, honest, hardworking, kind, dependable... but I was honest with myself and I knew that I would never marry him even though I loved him. I wasn't looking for a rich guy, somebody to take care of him. But I simply knew that, well, I don't know how else to put it, that my soulmate was out there. I knew that we had somewhat different ideas about life.
And I was honest with him. I didn't want to lead him on. I was happy with what we had. I was investing in our relationship. I took care of him, it wasn't just having fun, but I KNEW that for me, we had a limit.
I guess he hoped that would change. He didn't believe that I really meant what I was saying.
We broke up and I never regretted my decision. We wanted different things out of life. Over the years we would touch base and he still is a great guy, but he hasn't changed much. He got married to a woman whom he tries to change into something that would suit him. The same way he believed that I would change over the years.
A couple of years later, I met my husband. He too is a keeper and all of the things I mentioned above, plus something else, that I cannot put in words. With him I know that he is the one and I know that I would never have to change or to chose. We share the same goals, ideas about life. We are growing and changing at the same pace and in the same direction.
You have to be compatible. No one should put on hold his or her life to please the other. When this happens people regret it.
But you have to be sure that you are not afraid of the commitment. That you really want a different kind of life. If you are afraid to commit, there will never be a good moment or the right guy.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (22 August 2019):
 I think it’s pretty clear that this is the end of the road here. You want to travel more, he doesn’t. You want different things, if he was ‘the one’ you wouldn’t be at this cross road, you would be on the complete same wavelength working towards the same goal. You aren’t, which means you’re not as compatible as you think you are. Having chemistry with someone is easy and it may seem like you’re ‘made for each other’ but it isn’t the case.
Just the fact that when you worked abroad you got close with another guy shows that you aren’t that into your BF. If you were then you wouldn’t be able to be swayed under any circumstances.
If you want to be free then you you need to set your BF free also because this relationship has run its course.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2019): The only compromise, that I can see, would be a mutal agreement for you and your bf to have a LDR, or an Open LDR. The trouble with this is, that the only person compromising is your bf! You want us to advise you on how to escape this bf and avoid being a wife and mom. Then let me advise you OP: let this man go! Break up with him! He will hurt for a while, but since he loves you, he is NOT going to be Ok with you traveling and sampling different dicks from different lands! Yet if you agree to stay and settle down, you will hate your life and second guess yourself, resenting your bf/husband, wrecking both of your lives, and additionally any innocent children that you may have. Those results are far worse than the breakup blues, which you will inflict upon the poor guy! Your bf deserves a girlfriend/fiance/wife, who is ALL in! You and your boyfriend have seperate life paths, and is time to part ways. Just make it a clean break and do not sell him false hope! We already know that you cannot remain faithful.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 August 2019):
No, your feelings are not completely unreasonable- only, I think if you feel them, it is because you basically are not into this guy, you are not in love with him. He is perfect on paper, a great, solid person, a great potential dad for your children… all those " boring " things that you pay lip service to, but do not really capture your heart and mind. I mean, as soon as you went away it was a case of " out of sight out of mind " and you found yourself another dude, I guess this says something about how you really feel, deep down, toward your Bf : a fantastic guy… for someone else , not you. You talk about him as you'd talk about an excellent position at work : " job security, convenient hours, high yearly bonus, relocation perks... " , something that is objectively a great offer. Subjectively ? not so much.
I don't mean that if you were in love with him ( besides dutifully loving him " on paper " ) you would / should drop all your plans , forget about travelling, and turn into a Stepford wife with a starched apron. But I doubt that you'd feel this dramatic sense of imprisonment, of being caged and suffocated, which transpires from your post.
Another poster said that it's time for you to choose between doing your thing and settling down with this guy, and I agree, of course it is high time . But I would venture to say : choose your freedom, because I feel that it's not really a matter of wanting just a few more months on your own, or just one last chance to travel- I have this feeling that in 2, 3 , 5 years etc... you'd be stuck where you are now. Simply because he is not and never will be interesting enough in your eyes to want to settle down for good with him.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 August 2019):
"However, now I’m getting itchy feet again. " Your feet aren't the only part of you itching, or wandering.
"he’s only 24, which I personally think is a bit young." do you really think this or is it just an excuse to do what you want to do?
"I don’t want to hurt him, " that doesn't fit too well with this, "I made lots of friends and eventually got close to someone new,"
On the other hand this "I made lots of friends and eventually got close to someone new," matches perfectly with this " he got upset. He doesn’t want me to leave again, "
"he is the home I feel comfortable leaving, because I know I can come back when I’m ready to settle again." Your return ticket just expired. He won't be cruely discarded again. He knows your wandering ways.
Freedom isn't free. Every choice you make has its consequence. You are free to " make the most of my freedom for a bit longer first. " But remember that with that He is free to find a stable match to build a life with. No real man, or real woman for that matter, will be content to be someone's Plan B. To wait on the shelf until all the better options are used up. You are not (never, ever will be) entitled to a relationship safety net.
So far I've just held up a mirror to your declaration to show you the holes in your logic. I feel a burden to go beyond interpretation and offer you some advice. You specifically asked "How can I talk to him about this?" In order for you to have a successful conversation about this you will need to do something that is foreign to you. You probably need to practice the conversation. When you talk to him about this, Do Not use the word "I".
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 August 2019):
 I can see both sides here. I did some travelling before, in the middle and after my studies as well. Had I not met my husband (of 20+ years) I would probably have gone back to travelling a bit more.
However, YOU TWO want different things. He wants to "begin" adult life with a partner (you) - with the home, the jobs, the family. Traditional.
YOU want to travel a "little" bit more (and let me tell you... you will NEVER stop craving that. EVER - if you have that travel bug in you, it's there for good. Doesn't mean you can't at some point settle down, but you will always MISS not being able to pick up and go somewhere new). You think being able to do whatever, whenever is "freedom" versus "settling down" is NOT freedom.
BUT, you also know that this guy is a Keeper. Potentially a GOOD husband, GOOD father and GOOD partner.
Well, you will HAVE to choose. That is life.
I can also see WHY he isn't KEEN on you travelling again, if you LAST time you went somewhere you found another dude, but eventually came back to your BF.
Of course your BF sees you travelling as you not WANTING to really BE with him unless you can take off and take "breaks" from a LIFE with him.
You want it all. Him AND the "freedom" to travel and DO YOU. I get it. Totally. But it's UNREALISTIC long term.
Talking to him about HOW you feel would be one way to see if there ARE any compromises to be had. But you might ALSO have to accept and REALIZE that you might NOT be able to "have it all" with him. To both travel when you get the itch and HAVE him in holding pattern at home waiting for you to show up.
Sometimes, part of being a grown up means you have to SHIT or get off the pot. you have to CHOOSE.
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