A
male
age
51-59,
*arried.inlove
writes:I'm 40, married (and as usual - unhappy, married with kid 7y)I'm staying with her only b'cos of kid. My parents were divorced and it was very hard for me (I lived with father)I have problem with my colleage. She is so young (30), nice, bright - we are almoust 100% match.But I'm so affraid.I don;t want to ruin her life, we are working together for 5 years and everyday is getting worse and worse... I cannot get her out of my mind. It started to affect my work 5-6m ago - my productivity is now so lowI'm surviving mornings somehow but nights.... No, we haven't even kissed - I'm so affraid that she will run away - I cannot live without seeing her prety face and having small talks with her....ahhhhhhhh
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 You do not have a relationship with this co-worker...it sounds like it is all in your head.
Firstly, find a new job, you need some ojectivity. Your productivity being low is a red flag...the person who will suffer for your lack of concentration is YOU.
If you leave your wife, do not do it for the relationship that only exists in your head right now.
Have you tried talking with your wife about your unhappiness, have you suggested different things that might bring the spark back?
I sense you are depressed maybe going through a mid-life crisis? Your email focuses on your past, the relationship in your head, but nothing concrete about the present. I do not think any decision you make right now will be thought out in your best interest.
Again, start with a new job, and that might get your juices flowing in your brain. Maybe seeing a therapist once a week to talk about your problems...unresolved issues might be manifesting themselves (your childhood) in ways that make it impossible for you to see solutions to fixing your present marriage.
GOod Luck.
-FBK
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2007): A few quite harsh responses to you there mate! I was in a similar situation and had to deal with falling in love with a work colleague while being married. The only way I could deal with it was to cut all contact with the girl involved. Hurt like hell, still does, especially because she thinks it's her fault and can't understand why we can't be close anymore. Wish I knew what to do about that but it's still something I can't work out without lying....
Might sound stupid but write down the pro's and con's of keeping a friendship with this girl. When I realised the con's far outweighed the pro's I knew I'd done the right thing. It's not easy but when you don't spend as much time with this friend, you'll think about her a lot less.
Good luck
Steve
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A
male
reader, married.inlove +, writes (23 May 2007):
married.inlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Irish - you are completely right, I have all you said in my mind for years....that's why I haven;t tried anything for 5 years... but...its getting harder and harder to survive the night....she was even away (was sent to other city on assignment) for 9m and when she returned 2m ago - its even worse.... (for me)I'm not asking how to approach to her - I don;t want to do that to her... I'm not good enough - she is young, nice... she deserves someone better....But how to get her out of my mind - as 9m separation was not helpful - and now we are again working together - ofice side byt sideI don't want to leave/lose my kid, and don;t want to hurt my dear (colleague)how to survive - (I was really happy when she left city hopping that 9m will be enough for me to get over....)
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A
female
reader, LenaTobery +, writes (23 May 2007):
 i dont think that its her i think that its u.....u and ur stalking the other girl is whats clouding ur views ....... get it together or there maybe a sex-herrasment suit on your hands....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2007): Let's get this in perspective. You work with an attractive young woman daily. Sometimes when people are in this work environment they do develop a close bond. I mean realistically, you likely see this woman 40 hours per week, during the daytime hours...likely a lot more than you do your wife. So it's obvious you know her very well and you both have a good friendship. But let's take some responsibility here. You are pondering a dilemma that you want to take this friendship with this work collegue further into an a physcial relationship..an affair. So now you are making a very conscious decision to cross over the line into infidelity because you and the wife are unhappy. So rather than a) work at your marriage problems or b) divorce your wife...you simply 'want' to get cozy with this friend at work. And if you are to approach this work colleague with this idea, you are worried she will run away?? If she has a good head on her shoulders...she'd run like hell. What you are thinking of doing, will undoubtably, cause suffering and a lot of pain to your wife and child. Added to that, you would be putting this other woman in a position of being smack dab in the middle of 'your' chaos and hurt. What you would be doing, is you would be putting 'only' your needy, selfish feelings ahead of your wife, your little kid and this other woman. It's all about what you want, isn't it? Your happiness is all that counts? So...if you are not going to ask your wife for a divorce, and not go through the tough emotional workout of leaving your family for good, then start thinking clearly, end your infatuation for this work colleague now or move to another job. I don't care how unhappy you are. Your wife and your child do not deserve this!
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (23 May 2007):
 If you're unhappy, then all you're going to do in your marraige is breed more unhappiness. You should end it and spare you both a bad outcome. Tell your wife that you are unhappy, but try to part ways on a good foot, especially because there is a child involved.
Best wishes,
DV1
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