A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey. I dunno if I'm just being a typical woman here and giving this too much thought but would like some second opinions. I've been seeing a wonderful guy for two months now - it's our 2 month anniversary on Friday and everything's going REALLY well. We're very happy together. Been taking things slow and are very keen not to rush in to things, but we don't see other people, so it's very exclusive. We're also very open with each other about everything so as to not leave anything unsaid. Like, I know his best friend is a girl and that they spend a lot of time together. At first I was a bit wary of this but then realised I was being a bit hypocritical especially since one of my best friends who I spend a lot of time with is a guy so now I'm cool with them hanging out. Anyways, the other night we were talking on the phone and he said he had something he wanted to ask me. He said that it was his friends birthday (the girl hes best friends with) and that she was having an Ann Summers party and going speed dating for a laugh with all her other friends. He asked me if it was ok with me if he went along. Surprisingly, I didn't have a problem with him going to the Ann Summers party as I know it's just going to be a massive laugh, I've been to a few myself and I know nothing bad goes on - it's just a laugh. His female friend is having an Ann Summers party and shes invited him along. I dont have a problem with this. However, I did feel a bit wary of the speed dating though and I told him it made me feel a bit scared. He explained he wasn't going along to meet anyone because he had me, and that he was going along as it was part of her birthday and all her mates were going along as well and if anything he was going along just to meet new people and make friends.Am I over thinking this or is this all ok? I do feel happy that he was open with me about it and asked if it was ok, so obviously taken in to account my feelings, but just wondering about other peoples opinions? Is this really any different to me going out with my guy friends and having a few drinks??
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anniversary, best friend, speed dating Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): Yes, worry. I am an events manager and host and in those situations pheromones are spraying, people are nervous but exposed, and though he may not make out with any of them, the post speed dating mingling can be dangerous in the seeds it plants. Also guys with girlfriends who are not really looking become irresistable to single girls because the guys are laid back and confidant whereas all the single guys are not. Go with him. Don't tell him not to go. Your presence will make a difference in terms of his flirting.DVB
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): What? If you do not mind your boyfriend dating other girls then let him go and do the speed dating, but seriously i would not want my girlfriend dating other people.
I say he should not even want to when he has you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): i would not have agreed for my boyfriend to go speed dating, because that exactly what he will be doing, dating other girls. Cant he go to the ann summers party and be there for her birthday but then leave the dating to them? afterall why go dating when he has you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): I don't think your being unreasonable. People in relationships don't speed date. I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. And I don't think the other female speed daters want to waste their time meeting a guy who's not on the market.
Will the female speed daters all be from the party (and therefore understand he's off limits) or are there other girls involved? Could he go to the speed-dating portion of the evening and not participate? Could he bring a date (you) to this whole event? I know when my friends invite me out they always make it clear the bf's invited unless it's a "girl's night." And while this sounds like a "girl's night" you are in fact a girl, so... But if you were both comfortable with it, it could be a great opportunity to get to know some of his friends a little better.
I don't think he's unreasonable to want to go to his friend's party and, since he's being so up front about everything, I don't think he wants to cheat or meet other girls or anything either. And ultimately it's his decision I suppose. But there's no point in telling you things and then not offering options if your not comfortable with his plans. If he goes in spite of your discomfort, I wouldn't bring it up afterwards, just be jovial and supportive and let it go.
That said, I don't think your discomfort is unwarranted and I do think you should make it known and offer some alternatives. Also, for the future, it sounds like you both need to become more of each others circle of friends, so you'll both be a part of events that might otherwise worry you (ie singles events with members of the opposite sex) Start inviting him to hang out with your friends - the guy in the group might really enjoy having another male around!
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (14 May 2009):
If this was my boyfriend I would have said that he could not go. Yeah, its nice that he's taken your feelings into account but I still would have said no! Speed dating does exactly what it says on the tin, its unacceptable in an exclusive relationship. X
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A
female
reader, Honest_Answers +, writes (14 May 2009):
 You sound like a lovely girlfriend! My first question would be if there are any other male friends going? It's usually a good indication if there is a big mixed group going. If you trust this man then I think you have nothing to worry about. Speed dating is just a bit of a laugh for many people, but it isn't for others. If you know he wouldn't cheat then all I'd worry about is the women he'll be leading on if he does go.
Do you get on with his friend well? I'd advise with any relationship to make friends with their friends, just to make the relationship easier.
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