A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I'm in my first relationship and have been for 18 or so months. I've got body dysmorphia and I'm waiting for therapy for it, but I'm ashamed of my body. I'm very introverted physically and I've only ever been naked with my current boyfriend.My issue is that I feel uncomfortable whenever vagina/p*ssy/cl*t/d*ck/c*ck are used. I'm kinda okay with "penis", but everything else makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable.I've always been scared to talk about it because I'm worried people will just say I'm prude or immature, but I've never felt the need to figure it out until now. We've made love many times, but we're not sexual people and using genital words feels weird to me. I can only ever say stuff like "touch me", "stroke me" instead or "rub my ______" or "touch my ______".I have no idea why and I'm going to try to get used to saying "c*ck" to him, but I still can't get comfortable with the words for female anatomy and it makes me feel silly and frustrated with myself.Please help without judging me.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 November 2016):
 Honey you really are not alone. I would imagine that the vast majority off girls your age are the same. I am almost 30 and I am still the same. You are shy around it but you also associate it with something dirty because off past experiences. Introducing it slowly and having a supportive partner will help you. Just go at your own pace and remember it is not a must to be comfortable around these words.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all ; talking it out has helped me figure out why I think I'm uncomfortable with it. I've never heard them in any way other than vulgar but it might help hearing/using them in a nice situation I want to be in and not feel pressure to keep talking about it :-) My boyfriend is very understanding and I was the one that brought it up with him, he only said he'd prefer it to calling his penis "him" after I asked him about it. We try to have open communication a lot and he's supportive of making sure I'm comfortable - even more so than himself being 100% comfortable, which is new for me and appreciated!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's never pressured me - I mean he calls his penis "him" just because he knows it's more comfortable for me, but I want to say something more specific than "touch you", but other than "I want to touch him" because it sounds like another person ;-)We're not very sexual in the sense that we make love for the emotional closeness and we do get physical pleasure out of it, but we don't get anything from masturbation/porn/kinks and we don't have a high "I need sex" libido, more like "I need to be close to you" libido -- if that makes any sense??I think it's because I have only had those words thrown at me when I've been harassed, rather than a positive experience when I've consented.I've spoken to my boyfriend about it and asked him if we could try using a couple of the words to help me create a positive attachment to them. I see him every couple of weeks, but I think it will help me associate some of the words with good things, instead of feeling pressured by random people. He's said we can definitely try and we can stop at any time if I'm not ready or want to try another time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 November 2016):
 Ah-ha, cherchez l'homme. So, it's the boy that would love a running commentary ? You don't have this terrible urge to liberate your inner fool-mouth, but you want to please him.
Uhm. Call me thick skulled , if you want, but I still can't see why you'd have to put yourself through with what, at this stage, is an ordeal for you - just to suit his tastes.
It's already a little miracle that you can have intercourse or perform sexual acts or , whatever is it that you do - and hopefully enjoy it too ! - what with having body dismorphia and " not being sexual people " ( whatever this may mean ;,tbh I am a bit confused by the concept of non-sexual people who made love many times .)
What I am saying is, not by any fault of yours, but sex does not come easy , natural , in fact overwhelming and irresistuble to you, so , for the person you are, you are already doing great, excellent - you do not need to add the extra "skits" unless it's something that you have a burning, compelling desire to do . Which you don't . You have to be comfortable at what you do sexually, until at least, therapy has helped you to loosen up some psychological knots. So- keep staying comfortable !
" You can't always get what you want ", you know ?, so it's not because your bf would like to get something, that he is automatically entitled to have it. Particularly in sex .
It takes two to tango, and , if either party just can't or won't master certain steps... you can agree to dance other dances :) which feel comfortable and fulfilling for BOTH.
Said all that... and perfectly aware that I have not convinced you :)... if you feel that you just need to have a name for your organ and his organ- why don't you use
" him " and " her ". "Touch her...touch him... " I don't know, but maybe it feels less awkward and contrived that inventing special nicknames ( Romeo and Juliet ? Bonnie and Clyde ? Aladdin and Jasmine ?... Naaah , it does not work, you see :) ? )
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2016): You aren't a prude or immature because what you're referring to is dirty talk and as it's not something used in everyday life (nor should it be) it's no wonder it's weird to you. It's used a lot in porn and although I have no objection to it, it isn't something you have to imitate. If you aren't comfortable saying these words with your boyfriend then that's fine; just as it would be if you didn't want to do a particular sexual act. You're young and as one gets older and more confident it gets easier to say almost anything! I work with 16-19 yr olds and I can tell you while some (usually males) will use these words all day everyday (inappropriately and to shock) most don't. Mention menstruation and they blush profusely.I also think this is a cultural thing as in the UK we don't find it socially acceptable to say these words in normal conversation. My friends would never use them and as a society we usually talk in euphenisms. Think of the dozens of phrases we have for our vaginas ("The downstairs", "Fanny"), menstruation ("On the blob", "The builders are in") or penises ("Tackle", "The crown jewels").I see nothing wrong in just saying "Stroke me" etc as it's not as though you aren't communicating your desires with your boyfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all. I even feel uncomfortable saying "vagina" to a doctor because I'm not very connected with my body (masturbation does nothing for me either) and I feel strange saying it out loud to anyone.
I think it's just easier to have at least one word for what he's got and one word for what I've got, but I can't find any I'm comfortable with. He hasn't been saying them to me because he knows I'm uncomfortable with it, but I know he'd like to and I think I'd like him to as well, but I can't find any words that don't make me feel awkward, particularly for my downstairs.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 November 2016):
... It's not mandatory ! maybe talking dirty is not your thing, does not turn you on- and there's nothing wrong or bad in that. It's like any other thing- some people like to have their nipples played with, others hate that, some women like to have their earlobes kissed or licked and other cringe at the idea.
I can assure you I always have had a normally active sex life- in certain periods, in fact, very active and unconventional, and still it never occurred me to use certain words during sex.
I'd like to precise that I am not shy , and that I had acting training, so, if needed, I can detach my emotions, get into character and spew obscenities to make a drunken sailor blush. It's just that I don't find naming things very erotic- personally, I'd say that whispering " touch me here " is more sensual and erotic than issuing detiled instructions. For the same reason that a female body wrapped in, say, see- through black lace is more alluring and sexier that total nudity.
I realize that for some people naming things explicitely has the exciting value of breaking a taboo, of a transgression, - but, personally, I find it funny, and a bit silly, you know like when a 3 y.o. keeps saying " Poop. Poop. And pee-pee . And wee-wee and weenie and tushy ". To feel all " naughty " and grown up :).
My point is, - know yourself, know your body and desires and turn ons. Trust your instincrs.
There's no one size fits all in sex . If there's something that does not appeal to you, don't feel that you have to MAKE yourself like it because " you should ", and do not feel that if you do not like X thing, that means that you are frigid, or lame, or boring. You just have got your own distinctive sexual style.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 November 2016):
 I know a girl who was similar, she wouldn't be able to do 'dirty talk' at all, she would try and then just say 'sorry I can't do this'. I guess it's just not for everyone so you can't force yourself into it. If you want to work at it then take it slowly, but don't feel like you have to do it to please your bf. If you're not comfortable it's fine.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 November 2016):
 Trust me, sweetie, a lot (if not most) of women have problems (at least initially) with this. I am way older than you and, while I never considered myself a prude and was open to trying different things sexually, I always struggled with using what I termed as "porn language".
Do you feel you "should" be using these terms, or is your boyfriend pushing you into using them? There is nothing wrong with guiding his hand to where you want him to concentrate or pushing that part of your body towards him. If it feels unnatural for you to use these terms, then simply don't. Don't spoil an enjoyable experience because you feel you need to do a running commentary or issue verbal instructions.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (7 November 2016):
 Aww, how could I judge you? That's a very real and honest issue. It sounds like you're having more of an issue saying these things in bed, rather than in a doctor's office? If dirty talking makes you uncomfortable, that doesn't make you immature - just not really into it yet. You might find that after awhile, you're more comfortable doing so - or maybe that's just not your cup of tea. That's totally okay. Frankly, I'm not even a fan of saying "pussy" or "clit" and while in flagrante delicto ,"vagina" seems a little sterile.
The good news is, it sounds like you want to be open and communicative with your boyfriend in the bedroom. That's awesome! I commend you for taking some command over your sexual pleasure, and being willing to tell him where and how you'd like to be touched. That's a super healthy (not to mention successful) way to enjoy each other, and that makes me very happy for you. Especially given your struggle with your body dysmorphia, it's pretty huge that you're able to be so open about what you want. You should be very proud of yourself, girlfriend!
Have you ever considered giving your parts your own names? Maybe that could be something fun that you and your boyfriend do together? You could also use more actions and less words. "Touch me here," while guiding his hand where you want it to go.
Don't worry about it so much, don't hate on yourself or get frustrated. You're off to a strong start to a healthy and fulfilling sex life - and frankly, you sound more mature than a lot of women much older than you who are afraid or ashamed to speak up about what they desire. If you want to be a dirty talker, keep practicing the lines and soon they'll just roll off the tongue. If you don't, you can find plenty of worthy alternatives. Either way, don't pressure yourself and just enjoy the sexual journey that you and your boyfriend are on.
Good luck!
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