A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my fiancee for just over 6 years, 5 of which have been abusive. No, he does not hit me or physically harm me in any way, but he is controlling, degrading, insecure, jealous and a host of other things. My two children (ages 9 and 12)and I live in his house. I have been planning on leaving him in secret for several months. I was planning to leave at the end of this school year - or as close to it as I could manage, so that the kids wouldn't be shuffled around too much and make an already difficult situation any worse. He does NOT abuse me in front of the kids anymore - and is not abusive to them. My oldest son is very active in school and holds a very deep respect for sticking by his commitments and following through. About 2 weeks ago, my fiance and I got in a huge fight, and I had to leave the property to get away from him and put a stop to it - he tried to prevent me from leaving by standing behind my car and begging me to stop in the driveway - it was humiliating b/c the neighbors witnessed this. (again - the kids were unaware b/c they were not at home). I have been very calculated about my plan to leave - only telling those necessary, setting up secret savings accts, creating new email etc .. and i've done this for reasons to complicated to explain. After this particular fight, I made an irrational decision and decided to leave on April 15 - apporx 6 weeks sooner than i have been plainning on. I am now feeling like I made the wrong choice to move up the date to leave. I really feel it's important for my kids to finish this school year out - we are so close to the end, and again - my 12 yr old son will take it very hard if he can not fulfill the obligations he has made to his various teams and clubs. I am not sure what to do, or how to handle this. I have told a couple of people i moved up the date - b/c i need help getting things out of the house quickly when he is at work. I don't want to let anyone down, and I don't want to look indecisive - or like i've changed my mind about leaving. I'm absoultely 100% certain I am GETTING OUT this time (i've tried in past and he always stops me - i've never had the courage to leave in secret and i've never had a plan before) Can anyone help me to figure this out? When i move out I am leaving the State I am in ... so there isn't an option of leaving the house I'm in and yet still keep the kids in the same school district. Am I over thinking the importance of keeping things as easy on my children as possible, and allowing them to complete this year of school w/out the disruption of moving so close to the end of the school year? or should i just move out, move on and explain things to them (age appropriate explinations) as best I can. I've asked other people, including the therapist i have been seeing to help me cope, but everyone is so close to me and my situation that it's difficult for them to give me any unbiased advice. They all think I should have left years ago .... so obviously the sooner the better, but i just want to do right by my children ..... i hope this makes sense and gives enough detail. Thank you for your help!
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at work, fiance, insecure, jealous, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 Well done, and yes you will all be more than OK it will be a new start for you and your children, make the most of it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni just wanted to give an update ... i have left! i have been gone for a month today and even though it is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life .... it was totally 100% worth it. i appreciate all of the advice that was given. i did not make it to the end of the school year - but i was able to drive my children back and forth with my mothers assitance. we are going to be ok i think ... :)
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A
female
reader, Aunty Honest  +, writes (6 March 2011):
 I'm so sorry to hear of what an awful time you're having and I think it's admirable you want to put your children first. I think first of all, listen to your friends and therapist, because they know the situation better than anyone, and while people tend to be biased towards their friends, they would tell you if you were putting children through trauma unecessarily. You moved the date for a reason, I can only assume you felt threatened and frightened. There is a chance you're children will be angry either way I'm afraid, until they truly understand what went on. Here you can only be patient and prepared. Follow your instincts on this one, if you need to go, go. Your kids will understand over time. Hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (5 March 2011):
First off can i say i admire you for looking out for your children so much, you should give yourself credit for that. I guess my advise would be if you think you can handle staying until the school year is finished then it would be the best way so that your children arent disrupted suddenly and that they will get to finish the school year and then start a fresh next term at a different school. Am glad that you have saw sense and you are getting out of this relationship and if it all gets to much and you dont think you can handle staying until the end of term well then take the kids out of school and move if it is needed. But I think you are right I think you should allow your children to finish the school year and then go ahead with your plan and move then. Goodluck and all the best for the future.
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A
female
reader, Taskin +, writes (5 March 2011):
Hey! im sorry to hear your going through all this. I think you know deep down what you need to do and time will present it self with the answer. But for the sake of your own sanity and your children, i think you should leave. So that you give your self and your kiddies a new start in life. There so young, its cruel and unkind what they are going through but they rely on you, to make things better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): Maybe he senses what you're planning because I'm sure in some way your feelings show through about what relief you will feel to finally be away from him.Although it's up to you to decide in the end, I think it's best to leave earlier and just get it over with as he may find out about the move and the financial arrangements and then try to stop you again. I think your children have already been affected by all of this and probably still sense something is wrong so the sooner you get them away from this the better.
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