A
male
age
36-40,
*evil Crazy
writes:Hi all,This will be a long question, as I need to rant.I have been fighting against inferiority complex for years now, as I grew up in an abusive family. My dad did nothing much else (other than earning money) but abuse me and my mum. So I had very little foundation of confidence to speak with.My inferiority complex can be found in a few areas:1). Academic areasI used to top the class, or finish in the top few from primary all the way to pre-university. Now I am in the university (going to graduate next year), although things are considerably much harder, everyone else seems to have better results than mine (although mine's average, but I am not satisfied). It's like...being amongst them just makes me feel as if I am the most stupid of the lot.That was about a couple of years ago, now I feel better but somehow, it would mean that I won't get into the best companies or secure the best opportunities.2). FriendshipsI have a few close friends of my own and some not-so-close ones. I always envy those who seem to have endless invitations and such, everyone likes to be around them. I am a quiet person, my friend said I look unfriendly but that's the way I am. People usually see a different side of me once they get to know me better, but usually they don't bother to. And I am alone most of the time due to lack of invitations, this simply sucks. Another thing is, I can hardly relax when I have work to do, and I often pass over outings to finish them. I know this isn't good for my social life, but I cannot help it.Things look bleak now that I am about to enter the corporate world, as I would have even lesser opportunities to make friends.3). RelationshipsThis is probably my biggest obstacle amongst all. I had two ex-es in the past, but both ended badly. I did what I could, but feel that I deserve better. None of my confessions ever succeeded. I am not bad looking, isn't crippled, don't have terminal diseases and such. And I was told by some of my close female friends that I would make a good catch. My ex-es said that I am a good mix of being naughty and sweet. But nobody else seems to appreciate that. Whereas, the other guys are mostly in a relationship, so that makes me feel even worse. Sometimes, I feel as if I am the most unwanted guy in the world and no woman would want to be associated with me.I had my fate told in the past (call me superstitious if you want, but I think these things are quite accurate), and I was informed that I would marry late. I don't know if that means I would have to attend matchmaking and such, as getting a partner after entering the corporate world is really tough. Also, it seems like matchmaking is still a stigma in my country, so I wonder if people would look at me otherwise if I met my wife through matchmaking.Additional note:I am 24 this year, going to graduate in less than a year. I am the only child in my family. Independence is my forte, given the many times when I am with myself only, but I can't help but fear the day where, my parents are no longer with me and I would be all alone in the world. This is arguably my biggest fear.Thanks for exercising patience to read through such a long post.And thanks for all replies that comes along.Devil Crazy
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male
reader, PleaseHelp2235  +, writes (23 January 2009):
Hi devil.I am 19.I am studying in the best engineering school in my country,though my major is not what i wanted.but that is not my problem.I just feel I am the lonliest person in this world.The funny thing is that I actually hate being in a crowd or with a group of my peers.But when I am alone I feel bad.I must admit that I am not at all good looking.But is this the reason I feel that I do not have any friend who wishes to talk to me?My dad died when I was 6.My mom did not have the best of relations with my uncle,in who's house we were living.Also ,every single person that I know has made fun of the fact that I am ugly.This includes all my cousins,brother and even my dearest mother-she is the person who cares most for me though.I am so low on self confidence that I have not yet found the courage to even talk to a girl.I always had the feeling that when I leave school and go to a university I will become a changed person.But this inferiority complex seems to follow me like a shadow,even though I am the brightest academically in my family.Do I have to suffer like this till I die?Is there no other solution?
A
male
reader, Devil Crazy +, writes (9 October 2008):
Devil Crazy is verified as being by the original poster of the question To Tisha-I:
I understand where you are coming from, sometimes I try to brighten up my own mood but it's been really hard at times. If you know what I mean.
As for the family part, I believe I didn't elaborate that very well. Due to a constant exposure to family violence, I had been feeling very suppressed and low on confidence since young. My dad was very demeaning and he would say or do things which I think you would not want to hear. I am better than that now, but I know I can improve further. However, it's still hard as the scars would forever be there.
Studies wise, I have no illusions of the direct correlation of straight As with outright success. So, no issue there. It's just a lost feeling at times, if you know what I mean, when I compare myself to others.
For friendships, it's related to what I had in my childhood. I know this sounds old to you, but it's definitely linked. I believe I give off an aura of aloofness and unfriendliness, I am trying to change that image but you know that it takes time.
Relationships wise, I think you were a bit too harsh here. I bear no illusions that I am the perfect boyfriend, or that I would have a custom-made mate. I am aware of my shortcomings and is constantly trying to make adjustments, but doing it is not easy, I think you know that as well. Also, it is natural for me to want to be loved, considering that I got very little of that from my family.
As I said, it's more of a rant than an outright depression. I am just like any other human being, what they seek is what I seek. I don't complain everyday, and I bet you also know that saying is always easier than doing. I am fighting hard for what I want, it's just that sometimes I need someone to listen, emphatize and advise me as my friends are not always available, or have the heart to listen.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 October 2008):
 Okay, a little blip, but I'm back to yell at you. I bet you're sorry you asked for help now, aren't you?
Okay, I have a couple of friends who are only children. They have very active social lives. How do they manage that? They volunteer for some social concern that speaks to them. They also do the incredibly frustrating work of asking people to parties they host. One example is New Years' Eve. One friend does a very nice sit down dinner for his close friends. Another example, a single girlfriend, organizes a tailgate gathering for a fancy steeplechase race day. She doesn't cook, she doesn't do anything but arrange the space.
You can do that. You can.
But you're only 24. You're still a social novice, if you choose to be.
As far as telling your fate. You decide you're going to get married late, well, you most likely will. It's down to you, and if you decide to just sit there and take what life hands you.
If you choose that, as it sounds like you have, then you'll be where you are now.
If you choose to get OUT there and DO and ASK and initiate, well, you still might be where you are now, but then you'll have a legitimate complaint against the universe.
And the exes. Hmm. Okay, you want honesty? You say that you did what you could but that you deserve better. Does that mean that they did not live up to your standards or that you did not live up to theirs? So you go into a new relationship feeling as though no woman would want to be associated with you. What, do you have bad body odor? We know that you have a brain and I sincerely hope that you have a sense of humor. Do you have so much body hair that you resemble an extra from the "Planet of the Apes"? Or do you have some expectation about the perfect woman that is meant only for you that is not realistic?
You could post an update here, or just spend some time thinking about my rather naggy answer. I really wouldn't blame you if you choose to ignore my very blunt advice.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 October 2008):
Okay, I'm going to tell you what you might not like to hear. First of all, the best students from the best high schools (forgive me for not having the correct term for you) show up at university (college for some US readers) and suddenly find themselves at the bottom of the class. They haven't changed at all, the environment around them has. And you know what? Take a look at some of the top entrepreneurs. They were dyslexic or had some school issues. They stunk at school. Being the perfect 100% A student gets you nothing. Well, nothing except perhaps a scholarship, but you're past that now. What gets you somewhere is a belief in a project you want to get out there. A love for whatever job/career you've chosen. Find some works by Joseph Campbell. He did some stuff on 'follow your bliss'.... it might help you.
The invitations thing. I am going to air one of my discontents on you, sorry. I often invite people over for a meal or drinks or a book club or what have you. I cook and plan and prep. What do I get from them? Nada, zero, zilch. If you want invitations, you need to invite people to your own thing. They are actually waiting for you to seize the initiative. You don't have a house or someplace to entertain? Fine, invite them for drinks at a local bar or pub or cafe.
Don't whine about not getting invited places if you never invite people places yourself. If you want to be invited, you have to put out the effort yourself. No excuses. No house, no problem, go to a restaurant or bar.
Popular people, what do they do? They include others and want others to be with them. They don't wait around for others to make the social decisions for them. They act, they ask, they move, they DO things. They don't sit back and wait.
Relationships. They stink, until you find the right person. I have this theory on only child situations. They become the focus of the parents and wind up feeling that they are super special. Well, they are, but so are all the other children who grow into adults. The difference is that children from multiple child families realize very early that they have to find their own place in the world.
My computer is about to shut down so I'll come back and post shortly if I get cut off.
You're 24, you're young, you have your whole life out there in front of you.
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A
male
reader, Devil Crazy +, writes (9 October 2008):
Devil Crazy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Is there no one who can answer my question? Please kindly help, thanks.
Devil Crazy
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